


(His) Home For The Holidays

by Biorcry



Series: Home [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Eventual Smut, F/F, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 59,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21952666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biorcry/pseuds/Biorcry
Summary: Clarke and her boyfriend of six months, Finn, go to his hometown for the holidays. She goes there expecting to meet his parents and get to know him more. What she wasn't expecting was to meet his neighbor, Lexa, who also happens to be his childhood friend.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Series: Home [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624240
Comments: 268
Kudos: 716





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be done for Christmas, but a wandering mind is very unhelpful. Anyways, I do have most of it written out, but it needs some polishing. I'm hoping to finish publishing this story before the new year. :)
> 
> Also, Clarke is in a relationship with Finn in this story, but keep in mind this is about Clarke and Lexa.

I start to fidget and play with my hair as I sit in the car that will inevitably get Finn and me to his childhood home; my mind wandering to a million different scenarios, good and bad, mostly bad. I’ve never had a relationship serious enough to garner meeting my partner’s family before and now that’s going to change. 

When he had asked me if I’d go to his home for the holidays, my initial reaction was going to be no. But he looked so hopeful and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Plus, my only other options were to stay home alone or go with my mom and her new boyfriend to Whistler, which would have been fun without the boyfriend. I think they were okay with my choice, too.

I lean over to turn the heater a little bit higher. I’m not used to the chilling temperatures of this state and ponder for a moment why anyone would want to live here as I place my hands directly on the device blowing the delicious warm air on them. 

I hear a slight chuckle and turn to the man that’s putting me through this hell, arching my brow at him. 

“What’s so funny?” I dare him. 

“It’s just cute,” is his fast answer and it’s enough for me to back off slightly.

“What is?” 

He glances over at me then back to concentrate on the snow plowed road before making a gesture toward me with his hand. 

“Just, you know... all this,” he swirls his hand to point out my ensemble. “Plus the heater and you’re still cold. It’s cute,” he smiles.

I let out a soft giggle and lightly smack his shoulder. I get it, it happens in Washington, too. I’m always shivering when the temperature drops below sixty-five degrees. I’ll have a beanie and a big, warm sweater on, sometimes when the temperature gets really low I have to use a scarf and gloves. Meanwhile, mister big shot over here will have a long sleeve shirt on as a top while I’m overloaded with clothing. 

Here it’s a whole different ball game. When we arrived the pilot said it was twelve degrees! Finn told me it’d be cold and I planned for that. Big and warm jacket, huge wooly scarf, hat to match and warm, waterproof boots. He opted for a sweater, and maybe if he gets cold, he’ll put his puffy vest on over it. 

“Yeah, yeah,” is my reply as I playfully roll my eyes at him and even though he can’t see me, I know he knows I’m rolling them. 

He smiles again and reaches for my hand, the warmth from it a welcoming feeling. He brings it to his lips and lightly kisses it.

“We’ll be there in a few minutes, babe. You ready?”

I’m not, not at all. What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m a corrupting influence on him or something? What if they start threatening me with murder? That’s not too out there, I’m sure that’s a total possibility. 

“Can’t wait, hun.” 

I’m just glad that I’m not pinocchio or the window on this rental would have a glory hole in it. 

#####

I am so entranced by the snowflakes hitting the windshield that I don’t even realize we are driving through a neighborhood until he parks by the curb in front of a freshly shoveled driveway; not blocking it of course. 

“We’re here,” he says excitedly as he pulls the parking brake up. “Lets go!” And he’s out the door like an excited puppy before I can respond. 

I smile slightly at his excitement before my nerves grab a hold of me once again. We’re actually here, this is the moment that’s had me lose some sleep, along with a bit of my sanity, for the last few weeks and I can’t help the slight shake in my hands. 

I take a moment and a deep breath to settle down before opening my door. Finn’s already got our bags and is walking up the driveway toward the house. Nice house, snow covered grass and snow covered roof with some Christmas lights hung along the sides shining through the white powder.

My boyfriend is already at the door about to knock before I even take one step toward his childhood home. 

“Thanks for waiting, babe,” I whisper to myself. “Anything for you!” I finish as I make my way over, the driveway already filling up with more of the fluffy white powder that leave footprints behind me as I pull my jacket to me just a little bit tighter. 

I walk up beside him and interlock our fingers. He pulls me in just a little bit closer before placing a quick kiss to my cheek. The door swings open and we’re greeted with the ugliest Christmas sweater I’ve ever seen in my twenty-one years of life wrapped around a rather plain woman with mousy hair and a beaming smile. Here we go. 

“Hello, my baby,” she says as she grabs her son and hugs him for a few moments before giving him a big kiss on his cheek. She pinches his cheeks and with the light from inside the home shining on him I can see his face redden slightly. 

“Mom, c’mon,” Finn says as he bats her hands away with a boyish chuckle. “You’re embarrassing me, mom.” 

It’s quite a scene to me, actually. I mean, he can be loving and kind, but for the most part he’s never overly cute about things. And right now, he’s being overly cute.

“And you must be Clarke!” 

Before I know it I’m wrapped in her arms instead of shaking hands like I wanted to be doing. Her grip gets just a little bit tighter before she releases me and I don’t think I remember getting hugged like that before. It’s… nice. 

“I am, it’s nice to finally meet you,” I smile as my teeth start to chatter. 

“Oh my, I’m sorry!” she seems genuine in her apology as she rushes the two of us inside. “Come on, get warm, get comfortable. Make yourselves at home.” 

I start to breathe just a little bit easier now. Meeting Finn’s mom was a million times easier than the scenarios I had been coming up with; one parent down, one to go. And if his dad is anything like his mom, this won’t be too bad. 

Finn shuts the door behind us, then kisses his mom on the cheek before helping me take off my jacket. The house is so warm and the smells coming from the kitchen make my stomach grumble, announcing its presence to the world. 

“Are you guys hungry?” 

It’s like she can read my mind, or tummy, and I nod.

“Yeah, starving, mom.”

“Great, I’ve got dinner going and it shouldn’t be more than a few more minutes. Let me go check on it,” she says as she leaves, but not before pinching Finn’s cheeks once more. 

“She’s so sweet. And so are you,” I say as I pinch his cheeks, too. He doesn’t like it any more when I do it either. I love that. I’m putting that in my arsenal. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he chuckles as he pushes my hands away much like he had with his mom. “I’m going to take our bags to my room.”

I give him a half smirk and a raised eyebrow. “Really?” I drawl. “Need some help with that?”

He knows me too well and shakes his head, “Later, horn dog. Go see if my mom needs some help, huh? I don’t trust you not to follow.” 

“Ugh, fine,” I shake my head as I watch him go up the stairs, resigned. He’s known how much I’ve been freaking out about this trip. He knows how weird I feel about meeting new people, and I’m not just meeting his friends, but his parents. It’s a big deal and though his mom is sweet it would still be nice if he checked how I felt first. 

I take a deep breath before heading to my right, which is where I last saw Mrs. Collins walking, through a wide doorway. I see the table beautifully set, a lot of red and gold accentuating the upcoming holiday’s colors. Everything about this place seems welcoming and well, like a real home. I can recall maybe one or two times when my mom and I sat at a table for a meal at our house. 

I don’t want to think about that. This isn’t the time for that. This is the time for small talk and pretending I know what to do in a kitchen with my guy’s mom. I start to head toward the next door that I hope leads me to where I'm supposed to be and not into a closet, but stop for a second when the amount of place settings catch up with me. 

Why are there five place settings?

I shrug it off and head through the door, finding Finn’s mom moving what looks like baked chicken to a serving plate. All the sides have already been placed in their respective dishes. It smells delicious and I want to eat everything. I don’t think anyone would notice if I eat one of the rolls before dinner starts. 

“Need some help with anything?” I ask as I walk towards the food. 

I receive a big smile in return. “Just finishing up in here, but if you could help me take some food to the table?”

I nod back and get started with my task. It takes only two trips with both my hands full to trek all of it to the table. I place the second round down and my eyes keep shifting to the dinner rolls. They wouldn’t notice one missing, would they? I contemplate in earnest before my hunger wins out over my better sense. I would be more ashamed about being a bread thief if this wasn’t the first thing I’d eaten since breakfast. 

Going on my third bite I see the front door open and a brunette woman walk through, shutting the door behind her. I furrow my brows, unaware if Finn had a sister he hadn’t ever told me about. It would be strange since we’ve been together for a bit over six months.

“Anybody home?” she calls out. 

I hide the roll that I’ve been chomping on behind my back as she looks in my direction. I don’t want anyone to know my crime. Still with a little bit of roll in my mouth, I give her a weak smile and she returns it in kind, before looking me over suspiciously. I’m not sure I like the way she’s looking at me, but my body starts tingling. I don’t know if it’s with shame, or nerves again, or what. 

She walks closer towards me, face never changing. 

“You must be Clarke.” Her smile widens and she sticks her right hand out for me to take it. A hand shaker, I appreciate that. 

“Mmhmm,” I nod and discreetly switch the bread to my left hand behind my back. I try to swallow as fast and as subtly as I can before taking her outstretched hand, “That’s me, and you are?” 

Instead of answering, she walks closer to me and makes a quick move to try to peer behind me, but I’m able to turn in time so that she can’t see. She steps closer still, hint of her perfume tickling my nose, a playful glint in her eyes, “Whatcha hidin’ there?” 

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” I shrug my shoulders. 

“Uh huh,” she nods and looks me over once more, arch to her brow. Quicker than I can react, she reaches behind me and grabs my pilfered bread then proceeds to wave it in my face, taunting me.

I don’t know who this girl is and not only is she stealing my stuff, but also has no idea what personal space is. And I kind of like it. Which is strange because it usually takes me a while to click with someone.

Before I can make any moves to re-steal my pre-dinner snack, Mrs. Collins walks in from the kitchen. I act quickly.

“Hey, you, how dare you try to eat a dinner roll before we’re all ready to eat!” my voice a louder tone than usual. I’m unsure why it is that when I lie I can’t control my volume. “Sorry, Mrs. Collins, I tried to stop her.”

Mrs. Collins sets the main dish down at the center of the table. “Oh, Lexa,” she reaches out to embrace, who I now know is named Lexa. “We’re about to sit down, you could have waited,” she chastises. 

“Hey, Mrs. C,” Lexa replies as she rolls her eyes and points at me before gesticulating how she wants to murder me while she is mid-hug. It’s more cute than threatening and I giggle to myself. She stops as soon as Mrs. Collins ends the embrace, trying for all the world to look innocent. 

“I’m so glad you could make it tonight,” she says as she pats Lexa’s cheek. “Oop, forgot the water. I’ll be right back.”

“I wouldn’t miss it! Where is that dude, anyway?” Lexa says as she looks around. 

It’s like her words summoned him and we hear footsteps pounding on the stairs. The next moment he has Lexa in a bear hug, spinning her around for a bit, loudly greeting each other. Hugging for longer than necessary. Then cheek kisses that linger for longer than necessary, so I pinch him to remind him that I exist. 

“Hey, watch it,” he pulls away from her and looks at me. His head tilts to the side, question very much in his eyes. 

I shrug back at him in response and shift my eyes over to the woman he was practically dancing in front of me with not mere seconds ago. I can literally see the moment the light bulb turns on in his head when he understands. Thank god he’s pretty.

“Oh, sorry. I thought you guys had already done intros.” He points at the brunette, “Lexa, this is my girlfriend, Clarke,” pointing to me now, “Clarke, this is Lexa, she’s like, one of my best friends, we go way back,” he finishes as he bumps her shoulder with his, both of them grinning like idiots. 

Their adorable interactions must only be adorable to them. I link my arm with his and pull him closer to me. 

“We did,” I say between gritted teeth as I force my lips in an upward direction. “Just wanted to know the whole picture, is all. Finn’s never really mentioned  _ you _ ,” the last sentence I direct toward her. 

I know what I’m doing and I really don’t like that I feel compelled to do it. Finn’s a charmer and he’s handsome and outgoing and girls like that. And it hasn’t bothered me before when I’ve seen him acting chummy with some of his friends that are women. This just feels different, more personal, maybe? 

Lexa looks at me, green eyes exploring mine, a slight smirk playing at her lips. The way she studies me, I feel my face start to warm up. She draws in a short breath then blows out quickly, whatever she was going to say dying before it leaves her lips. 

Finn claps his hands together when his mom returns from the kitchen with a pitcher, “Okay, I’m super hungry. We eating yet, mom?” 

“Is your father still upstairs watching the game?” she sighs as she starts filling the water glasses. Finn shrugs and his mother looks at him to spur him into action. And when her look fails, she settles for words, “Well, go get him, Son.”

He leaves on his mission and I immediately start to fidget with my fingers again, not knowing what to do or say. I kind of killed the easy rapport I had with Lexa and Finn’s mom is, well, his mom and that alone is hard. 

The women start to talk and head over to sit at the table. Lexa on the far side of the table and Finn’s mom at the end closest to the kitchen. I follow their lead and pick the chair opposite the brunette. I don’t sit yet because I know I’ll have to stand to meet Finn’s dad. 

“This looks really good, Mrs. Collins,” and I mean that. Finn’s dad couldn’t come down here fast enough. Sure, it’ll be awkward meeting another new person, but I’m hungry enough to get past that. I didn’t get to finish my roll. 

“Oh, please,” she waves her hand. “You can call me Kim, if you prefer.” 

I don’t prefer. It seems weird to me to call your boyfriend’s parents by their first name. But if she wants me to, maybe I can say it from time to time. 

We hear footsteps and my stomach is in knots again. It could be nerves or it could be starvation, either way I want to get it over with. I smile as I hear the two men laughing together, they have the same laugh. And when they are visible, I realize a laugh isn’t the only thing they share. Finn’s a spitting image of his dad, except the older one is rounder, taller and a bit of silver accentuates short brown hair.

His ugly sweater, however, looks like he inherited that from the same place as his wife did.

“Ah, Clarke!” he says as he opens his arms. Huggers, I don’t think I’ve done this much hugging before. But I reciprocate in kind and I’m wrapped up so tight I finally understand people who say they’re claustrophobic. But just like his wife’s, it’s… nice.

“Hi, Mr. Collins,” I breathe out when the hug breaks. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” It really is. 

“Nice to finally meet you, too,” he grins so bright it could replace the star atop the Christmas tree. 

“Let’s eat, I’m starving!” Finn announces as he picks the chair to the right of me, closest to his mom. 

I notice that Finn changed at some point. He, too, has a Christmas sweater on. Ugly, but not as bad as his parents and I say what I say because when I’m nervous, thoughts and observations can’t just stay internal. 

“Hey, if I knew we were having an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party, I would have worn one, I love that!” I say as I take my seat. 

I guess Lexa had taken a sip of her water or something, because a bit of stray drops land on my hand before she’s able to cover her mouth, swallow and compose herself. Though, a few telltale signs, like her shoulders moving up and down and her barely hidden smile clue me in to the fact that she’s laughing through the suddenly silent room. 

Finn clears his throat and leans over, his lips a breath away from my ear, “My mom made them.”

He sits back upright and places his hand over his mom’s on the table. 

It’s quiet and awkward and I can feel heat rushing to my cheeks. I’ve had some facepalming moments in my life before, but I got to say, this is probably taking the top spot for a while. 

“Well, I think they’re beautiful!” Lexa cuts through with a tone and delivery mimicking my own when I blamed her for the dinner roll. She sips from her glass like she’s Cersei Lannister, conniving almost. 

Bitch. 

“Thank you, dear,” Kim mutters. 

I glare over at Lexa only to be met with smoldering and mischievous green eyes. I know exactly what she’s thinking.  _ Payback. _ And I shake my head as a smile creeps up on me. I bite my lip to stop it, I don’t want to humor her. 

Her look changes immediately to one that I can’t quite place. Her eyes darting to my mouth before looking anywhere she possibly can but at me.

#####

Dinner after the awkwardness of my sweater comment went pretty well. It took Mr. Collins asking us how we met to end it. That topic made me loosen up a little and further conversation was easy and flowed well. After dinner and clean up Finn’s parents excused themselves for bed, explaining that they had to work the next morning, but not before giving each of us a hug goodnight. They’re good people.

With their leave I thought that a certain woman would make herself scarce, too, but when she asked if she should get going and let us go to bed Finn laughed it off and instead told her, “Come upstairs, I got something for you.” 

I’m pretty sure that whatever glare I gave her when she accepted probably intensified at least ten fold when she shrugged with that stupid smug smirk she’s had since we met. I wish that I could wipe that smirk off her face. 

We step inside Finn’s room to find him on his bed digging through his suitcase, throwing random pieces of his clothing to get to whatever he’s looking for. I didn’t know he brought anything for anyone, though it shouldn’t surprise me now since the gift he got was for someone I didn’t even know existed until a few hours ago.

I realize that I’m just staring at him while he makes a mess and instead opt to take a look around at Finn’s childhood room. A full-size bed with blue comforter straight across from the door. A desk with an office chair up against the right wall, a large window on the opposite one. It looks pretty similar to the one he has in his current apartment, except he has a trophy wall here and a smaller desk now. 

Lexa takes a seat in the office chair, her back facing me. She pushes away from the desk, the wheels rolling back a few inches and I see her nod to herself like she just accomplished something. She places her arms on the armrests and crosses her legs, her head bowing, her hands going up to her face before she slowly and dramatically turns around. 

“Well, well, well, Clarke of Seattle, we meet at last,” she delivers like she’s a bond villain, her fingers interlaced except her index fingers that she taps together. She does this with a straight face and god, I want to dislike her so much.

She makes it hard. 

I shake my head at her while trying to hold back the smile I feel creeping to my lips.

“You’re an idiot.” 

“I second that!” Finn chimes in, his face buried in his backpack now, still looking for whatever he brought Lexa. He packs things, but he doesn’t remember where he puts things. 

She laughs as she turns around, then repeats her earlier chair move. “You’re both just jealous ‘cause I got this kick ass chair and sweet moves.”

The smile escapes me then and plasters itself plainly on my face, my head shaking again as I walk over to her. I place my hands on the armrests and she looks up at me with that same smirk. “The only sweet moves you have is this,” I say as I spin her back around so she’s facing away again. “I like the view better when your back is to me.” 

“Wow, Clarke. At least buy me dinner first.”

Finn’s laughter sounds muffled as a bit of adrenaline rushes through my body. My face burning as well as the tips of my ears. My cheeks hot and red as Lexa’s words go through my mind. Those words and what they infer flash for a moment before I can stop it and brush it off. I take a deep breath to calm myself before either of them can see my expression and I move to sit on the bed.

“Stop hitting on my girlfriend, Lex.” he remarks between his dying chortles before pulling out a small opaque ziploc bag. “Aha!” He stands up and walks over to Lexa as she turns back around to look at what he brought for her. 

Did he call her Lex?

He unzips the bag and takes out two keychains, one of which I vaguely remember him buying. “This is from Seattle,” he explains as he hands it to her. He doesn’t really need to, the Space Needle is its own explanation. “And this one from a quick road trip Clarke and I had a few months ago in Portland,” he says as he hands her the keychain with a rose on it. 

“Cool,” she replies with a smile as she admires them. “Thanks, Bro,” she ends as she stands and gives him a quick hug before sitting back down. 

He sits next to me on the bed, throwing his arm around my shoulders and I just want him to stop touching me. It shouldn’t bother me that he’s giving some other girl a present, especially with Christmas coming up in almost a week, but it seems to mean a lot to the two of them. And since I don’t understand the sentiment behind it, I’m just an outsider. 

Lexa glances up from her recent gifts and it’s like she read my mind or something because she starts to explain.

“Any time either of us travels somewhere and we see each other again,” she dangles the one with a rose on it for me to see, “we give each other keychains from those places. It’s a thing that Mr. C would do when he used to travel for work and now that we’re,” she motions air quotes, “‘adults’, we do it for each other.” Another smile. 

“Yep,” Finn nods, “the keychain you admired when we first got together was from Lex when she went to the Philippines.” 

It’s a cute story, but all it does is piss me off further. I know nothing of their relationship and now I’m supposed to just be chill with everything? How long have they known each other? How has he never told me about her? Did they have a thing and he brought me here to let me down gently? This all just doesn’t make sense, but I need to compose myself before I say something stupid. 

“What the hell is up with you two?” I blurt out. 

Finn removes his arm then to get a better look at me, his smile replaced with furrowed brows and a frown. 

“What do you mean, babe?” 

The look of confusion on his face and the almost smug one on Lexa’s exacerbates my anger, but I can control it. I’m a grown up who can deal with her emotions.

“Are you purposefully being fucking obtuse?” Nailed it.

“Whoa,” Lexa exclaims, hands in the air like she’s about to retreat. Quite honestly, she probably has the right idea. 

“Geez, calm down, babe. What’s wrong?” 

I’m going to lose it. When has telling someone to calm down ever worked? I would really like to know. 

I hear Lexa take in a breath through her teeth and I whip my eyes in her direction. She shakes her head and evades my glance, but I can still sense what she’s feeling. Even she realizes Finn said exactly the wrong thing. 

“Finn, dude, how do you have a girlfriend?” 

He stutters before shrugging his shoulders, “I just, I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Are you gonna break up with me?”

“What?” He glances over at Lexa like he’s trying to find the answers for all of life’s questions. It would have made me chuckle any other day, or even another moment, but the heat boiling inside me ends that thought. 

“Or did you think that it’d be fun to introduce me to someone you’ve never, ever fucking talked about, who, oh hey, happens to be your ex?” I say, my voice no louder than a normal inside voice, but with a lot more sting in it. I don’t want his parents to hear me. 

The answer is a brief moment of silence as the two of them look at each other, then at me, then back to each other. A couple seconds more of silence before they chuckle and as seconds go by the chuckles start to get a little bit deeper and louder. It’s like I’m watching the laughing version of a slow clap until they’re laughing with some pep. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Clarke,” Lexa manages through her dying giggles, “if that’s what you’re worried about, you don’t have to.” She glares over at Finn, “I can’t believe you never talk about me!”

“Hey,” he replies making the same gesture Lexa had made just a few minutes ago with his hands in the air. “I do talk about you.” He turns to face me, “I have talked about her.”

We are getting off topic. “Regardless, what was so funny?” I repeat. Whether he spoke about her or not is inconsequential to me right now. 

“Oh,” he smiles again. “It’s just funny that you would think that,” he shrugs. 

“Why is  _ that _ funny?” I demand, a bit more bite to my question.

“I’m gay,” Lexa states, a shrug to her shoulders as well. 

It’s like she threw water on me to cool me down, the anger I felt mere moments ago dissipating when what she says completely registers. I look at Lexa, squinting as if that makes me able to read minds. I want to know for sure that she’s telling the truth. 

“Really?” I say as I arch my brow.

“Yep, one hundred percent.”

“Not that that’s the  _ only _ reason we weren’t together,” Finn interjects.

“Ah?” Lexa challenges. “You had more reasons, huh?”

“Plenty!” he exclaims before chuckling as she reaches out and smacks his shoulder. 

“You’re no prize yourself,  _ Ginn _ ,” Lexa emphasizes the last word. 

“Ha, she already knows that story! And, it’s not even that embarrassing, so.” 

“There is no way that she knows that story and is still attracted to you!” she laughs while turning her eyes on me. “Do you know it?”

I do know that story. He blurted it out once while we were playing Never Have I Ever with some friends of ours. We had all been playing for a while and running out of relatively normal things to never have done, when someone says that they’ve never pooped themselves and everyone didn’t drink except Finn. 

The silence that fell over that room after he took a sip from his cup was cut by first, laughter, then everyone wanting to know the story. They all begged him to tell it and as someone who had only been dating the guy for a couple weeks at that point, I was the only one to protest knowing about it. I was outnumbered. 

He explained how, after stealing his parents gin as a middle schooler, he and a few of his friends drank way too much. Well, Finn mostly drank too much and needed to use the bathroom, but was too far gone to even walk by himself. Or hold on to his bowels, apparently. And while his friends were helping him get to his destination, it happened. 

I nod as I scrunch up my nose, remembering the tale. 

She moves her chair closer to us on the bed. “Wow, Clarke. You’re doing the whole world a good deed by staying with this man,” she taps Finn’s shoulder before scooting back. “But I guess, if you were there, you probably wouldn’t be. God, I still remember almost throwing up at the smell.”

That surprises me. I may not have been paying attention to every detail of Finn’s story when he told it the first time, but I don’t remember him ever talking about Lexa being present to witness his poop fiasco. Or any girl, just a couple of his buddies. 

“You were there?” I question before I finally put two and two together. 

Finn has spoken multiple times about his friends from here and some of his stories and when he brought up Lex, I just assumed Lex was a guy because I thought only stupid boys would be a part of the things he had talked about. Like this story of day drinking while skipping school. 

Lexa nods. “Yeah, it’s probably the reason I’m not just gay but like, super gay,” she says as she scoots back in her little office chair and places her right hand on Finn’s left shoulder. “So, thanks for that, bud.”

He smacks her arm away and they both start laughing again. “Yeah, whatever, nerdlinger.”

This time, when she touches him or when he laughs at something she says or vice versa, I don’t feel that hostility towards them. In particular, against Lexa. I was reading into things incorrectly, jumping to conclusions. But now, I see it for what it is and that’s just a friendship. A good friendship at that. 

“Speaking of you being an idiot,” Lexa starts and Finn pushes her chair away with his foot. She smiles and leans back in it, “Some of the guys are back in town for the holidays, too. Have they gotten a hold of you?”

“Yep!” his eyes light up when he replies, “What do you say, Lex, good to go out tomorrow night?”

He asked her first. He never brought up in any conversation that we’d had about coming here that we’d also be meeting up with his friends. I was ready for his parents and was surprised by Lexa. Now that I’m tentatively okay with Lexa there’s another surprise group I have to meet. Without even having been asked. Wonderful. 

“You up for it, Clarke?” she eyes me and it’s like she can sense my discomfort about the whole thing. I’m starting to think that she’s a mind reader or something.

“Of course she is! Right, babe?” he smiles with that stupid smile that made me fall for him in the first place and I can only fake a grin and nod. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has read and commented so far! Hope you enjoy this chapter :)

I look at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, leaning over the counter to check out my eye-liner. I make sure I don’t have any unwanted black spots around my eyes and then take a step back, twisting from side to side to check out my outfit. Tight black pants and a red almost sweater like shirt are my choice for the evening, and I’ll throw my slim-fit blazer jacket on top when we are ready to leave. It’s not the warmest of outfits, but we’re just going to be in the car, then the gastropub. I want to look good for Finn and his friends. 

I start to fidget with my fingers, something that I’ve been doing a lot of lately. It’s something that has always been able to calm me down, at least a little. And I need some calming tonight since I’ll be surrounded by friends Finn has known for years, friends he grew up with. More people I don’t know. I’m meeting them tonight and though I’ve gone this long without knowing them, I still want to make a good impression. Meeting Lexa was challenging, but I think we’re definitely better and I’m hoping that I’ll end up feeling as comfortable with this new batch of friends, too. 

I run my right hand through my hair, using my fingers to comb it until I’m somehow satisfied with the end result. I take a deep breath to brace myself and then reach for the handle, pulling the door open. A small gasp escapes my lips when I almost run straight into Lexa.

“Sorry,” she says, taking a step back at the same time I do. “I didn’t know you were in there.”

“You’d think the closed door would be a dead give-away,” I counter. It’s supposed to be a joke, but I can tell it doesn’t come off that way as soon as I hear the words. I must be more nervous than I thought.

Lexa looks at me with a raised eyebrow, and her no nonsense attitude makes my stomach feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride. Not in a nauseous way, but in the sense that it’s turning with the motions of the ride. It’s hard to explain, because I’ve never felt this way. 

“Sorry,” I end up mumbling, finally stepping out of the bathroom. “All yours.”

“How kind of you,” she replies with a bow. It’s so silly and I catch myself before letting out a giggle. I still don’t want her to think that she’s funny. Standing straight up again she lets her eyes travel over me and I’m on that same damn roller coaster again, but this time it feels like it’s happening throughout my whole body. 

“You look really good, by the way,” she says like she didn’t just openly check me out. 

I try to will my cheeks from turning red, but I can feel the heat rising up anyway. “Thanks,” is all I manage to squeak out before quickly scooting past her and heading toward Finn’s room. I wanted to say she looked good too, but I couldn’t get the words out.

I don’t know Lexa well enough to know if she was hitting on me or not. I know she’s attracted to women and I’d also like to think I look good, but I’m Finn’s girlfriend and Finn’s her friend. So she probably wasn’t. Maybe she was just being nice and knows that when women make an effort it’s sweet to be complimented. It’s not like she wanted to have her hands all over my body. 

I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts as I enter Finn’s room and find him lying on his bed, phone in his hand watching some video playing on it. He’s wearing worn-out jeans and his old high-school hoodie and he’s probably going to just throw his puffy vest over it. It’s not a look I’m used to and now I feel like I’m overdressed.

“Hey,” I say, heading toward his bed and sitting down beside him. He looks up from his phone then, smiling at me.

“Hey,” he replies. I smile, awaiting the compliment I’m sure is going to follow now that he’s finally seen me. “You look nice, sure you’re going to be warm enough in that?”

Nice. He said I look nice and that’s sweet, but nice is what I hear from my mom or aunt if I had one. He didn’t even give me good, or a really good like I got a few seconds ago. Normally when I dress up a little I get, “sexy” or, “let’s get you naked.” So, nice? Not what I was expecting. 

“I’ll be fine,” I answer, my self esteem deflating just a little. “I’m wearing something over this, and we’ll just be in a bar anyway, right?”

He shrugs with a smile. “I dunno, that’s the plan. But we usually just see where the night takes us,” he finishes before picking his phone up again and going back to watching whatever video he had on when I walked in.

A knock on the door makes us both look up to see Lexa standing there, leaning her shoulder against the doorframe.

“You guys ready?” she asks, and I don’t know why we had to go there together. I would have liked some alone time with Finn before meeting all his friends, but she offered to drive and I’m planning on drinking a bit. 

“I am,” I announce while sitting up and sliding my legs until my feet touch the ground. I push myself off the bed and head to the closet, grabbing the jacket that’s hanging in there.

“Let’s do this!” Finn says, jumping off the bed. “I’m excited for you to meet the rest of the crew.”

“Me too,” I reply, trying my best to convince everyone, myself included. It seems to work with Finn who pretty much flies out the door with unbridled excitement. Lexa, on the other hand, is looking at me curiously. “What?” I ask as I slip my jacket on. She just shrugs as a reply making me repeat myself. “What?”

“Nothing,” she answers, turning around and heading downstairs. 

#####

The place is nice, kind of loud and slightly run down, but overall nice. That nice comment is still on my mind. Everything on the way over here that Finn was pointing out to me was, “Oh, looks nice, Babe.” Passing his Elementary school was nice, passing the park he and Lexa and the rest would skip school in was nice, passing the fast food restaurant where he had his first job was nice. I need to get over that. 

We are sitting at a table near the bar with Finn on my right and Lexa on my left. His friends Bellamy, Murphy and Jasper are sitting across from us. We order a few appetizers along with beers for everyone but Lexa and even though she’s not drinking the waitress takes the most time with her order. 

There’s a little back and forth between the two of them on if Lexa’s sure that’s all she wants, the other woman’s tone alluding to more than her words suggest and they should just get a fucking room already. 

I feel myself rolling my eyes as Lexa’s gaze is stuck on the waitress’s retreating form. And another eye roll happens when I hear Jasper ask her if she’s going to, “Get with that?” 

She laughs it off, throwing one of the cardboard coasters that are sitting at our table at him. It hits him square in the face making everyone snicker. 

“Alright, alright,” he says through a smile. “Moving on to something more interesting than Lexa being a prude…” he ducks out of the way as another coaster goes directly toward him once again igniting another set of chuckles. “How did you two meet?” Jasper asks.

I smile at the question, glad to be included in their conversations. I know that this night is about reconnecting for all of them so, I had mentally prepared to be sitting most of the night out as far as what everyone talks about. Maybe add in a few quips here and there when I think it fits with what they’re saying. But being asked about us first is a nice gesture and additionally, something I can contribute to. 

“We had a couple of classes together and completely hit it off. She couldn’t wait to get her hands on me,” Finn says and I roll my eyes. That’s one way to put it… and oversimplify it. And not let me talk. Nice.

“Dude, I met a girl just like that last semester,” Murphy chimes in. “It lasted only a week, but the sex was amazing,” he says and based on their reactions, I seriously have to wonder if I’m hanging out with a bunch of middle schoolers or something.

Thankfully, the discussion moves on from that pretty quickly since Lexa starts asking everyone how fun it is to be back and how their families are doing. She taps the side of my leg to get my attention and gestures for me to lean in. 

“You’re welcome,” she whispers then squeezes my knee. 

Nothing kills a sex drive more than talking about your family and parents. Smart. 

We get our drink orders and I bring the glass to my lips as soon as I can. This night is going to be awkward, that’s not even a question, and this beer is going to help me get through it a whole lot easier. 

A couple more minutes go by before the appetizers start piling up on our table. I didn’t realize we had ordered so much, but I guess that’s why we only ordered apps. Everyone agreed beforehand that they were the best part about this place. 

The waitress, of course, places them on the table while reaching past Lexa and my god, it’d probably be less obvious if she hopped in Lexa’s lap. I mean, it definitely would have been easier if she went between the boys, but what do I know.

“Your night going well…” Lexa pauses to check the girl’s name tag. Although, I feel like she already gave her name so it’s just an excuse to look at her boobs. “Raven?” she says as she places her elbow on the table, and chin on her fist. 

The waitress, who I refuse to call by name, nods. “Mm, it could be better.” 

“Well,” Lexa pauses to take a sip of her soda, “if there’s anything I can do to help make it better...” she finishes with a smirk.

Girl blushes and nods. “I’ll think of something,” she blows out a small laugh. 

I polish off my half empty, (some days I would consider it half full, but not tonight), glass of beer right then to a couple of whoops from everyone. 

“My girl, guys!” Finn declares before giving me a quick kiss. 

I shoot him a quick grin before waving my glass at the woman suckered in by such a sad line. And I know it’s rude to gesture that I need a refill like this, but I am far past giving a shit about it to stop myself. 

It takes the waitress a few seconds to realize that someone else at this table, namely me, needs her attention, but when she does she takes the glass that I have in the air and finally leaves. I hope she has someone else drop off the refill. 

“Damn, Lex,” Bellamy laughs out, “teach me your ways.”

The others join in on the laughter before Lexa responds.

“All you have to do is be nice and pay attention, B,” she shrugs and pops a fry in her mouth. There’s a short silence around our table like the boys are trying to file this brand new information away in their minds for future endeavors.

“Is that what I did to land you, babe?” Finn nudges me and I get a little self conscious when I feel all eyes on me. 

The waitress comes back just in time to drop off my beer and this is the only time I’m grateful for her presence, it gives me a little time to think up the proper response. Should I try the cute version of this story or just use sarcasm like I usually do. 

I scrunch up my face and take a sip of my drink, “I think it was just my sheer desperation for love.” I nod.

Another round of silence for the table and I’m afraid I just blew it with my boyfriend’s friends as they all look around at each other. Lexa is the first to let out a laugh at my reply before the others join in, then proceed to poke fun at Finn for my harsh words. 

“Damn, Clarke,” Murphy bellows. “I like you. Finn, hold on to her, man!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Finn says as he bumps my shoulder with his before he swings his arm around me to pull me closer. He pokes my forehead and I grin back at him as innocently as I can and he shakes his head. “Jerk,” he ends with a quick kiss to my cheek before taking back his arm.

The food starts to disappear as the conversation steadily flows and more stories of their time growing up together pop up. It’s charming in a way, but I also feel unable to participate since I don’t know what they are talking about half the time. They try to include me by asking if I heard this one or that one, but it's still hard to join in because one story begets another and for the most part it’s hard to keep up with them and their train of thought. 

Instead I just listen, drinking my beer and eating some food, chiming in when necessary and chuckling whenever I feel the situation warrants it. I drain my second glass as Bellamy finishes telling yet another story, this time about Finn and him getting suspended for peeing “Merry Christmas” in the snow at school together. What is it with these boys and their gross bodily fluids? 

I’m nodding along when I feel Lexa’s gaze on me. It’s so strange that you can feel someone’s eyes on you and with her it’s a lot more intense. I turn to face her and for a second a surprised look flashes across her face before she masks it. Like she didn’t know that I knew she was looking at me. 

“You bored?” she asks, recovering quickly. Everyone else still too busy in their storytelling and laughter to hear us.

“No, I’m fine. It’s nice to learn some of this stuff about him, about all of you,” I say, reaching to the middle of the table to grab a fry before they’re all gone.

“Hm,” Lexa hums. “You don’t have to lie, you know,” she says and why does she seem to be able to read me so well?

“I’m not lying, I mean it,” I insist.

“Uh huh,” she scoffs as she turns her whole body to fully face me. “Maybe the first couple of stories,” she points out. “But after like the millionth one, even I'm a little bored,” she adds with a half smile.

I copy her movement so that I can get a better view of her as I talk, our knees tapping against each other for a second. “It’s fine. Tonight’s not about me, really.”

“Hm,” she repeats. “Tell me, Clarke of Seattle, what’s your favorite story so far?” she taps her chin before continuing, “The one where some or all of us were being idiots or,” now she rubs her chin, “the one where some or all of us were being stupid?” 

I can’t help the chuckle that flies so easily out of my mouth before I stifle it. Looking around to see if any of the others are even paying attention to what we’re saying. I just barely got them to like me, I don’t want them to overhear us and find it rude. Lexa doesn’t seem to care about that, but she’s known them forever, it’s okay for her to say these things.

I finish my fry and wipe my hand on my napkin before responding, “Fine,” I lean more toward her, “I am a little bored,” I divulge. “You gonna un-bore me?” That’s totally a word.

There’s a hint of something that flickers in her eye, but she buries it. That’s the second time tonight. She shrugs and looks up for a second, the twisting of her mouth and the scrunched forehead looks about the same way I look when trying to figure out a complex math problem.

“Um…” she shrugs again. “I dunno. We could thumb war.”

“What are you, five?” I giggle. 

“Well, I get it. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be humiliated in front of my partner and all their friends either,” she challenges me. 

“You don’t really think that’s gonna work on me, do you?” 

“Spoken like a true loser,” she remarks as she starts to shift her body away again to sit like she had been before asking me if I was bored. 

“Fine!” I concede and tug at her to face me again. The smirk on her face pointing out that she knows that I know I was just manipulated. “Whatever,” I say as I shake my head at her. “Prepare to eat your words.”

Our right hands connect, her fingertips against the inside of my fingers with her knuckles in my palm, mine reciprocating in kind. Our thumbs dance around the other’s as we countdown to start the competition. 

It’s an even match for an embarrassingly short time. Lexa’s fingers are slightly longer than mine are and she pins me pretty quickly, but I’m able to break out before she’s able to claim her victory. 

“Ha!” I squeal out like I just won the whole thing.

“Congratulations, you’re still losing!” she replies with a cocky smile and lurches forward. To evade her I pull my arm back and in the process accidentally elbow Finn in the side. 

“Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?”

I turn my head for a moment to answer him and Lexa pounces on the moment and pins me again. I forget about Finn and fix my attention back to the game, but she spouts out the phrase faster than I can react.

“Should I start calling you ‘Clarke of Seattle and Loser of Thumb Wars’ now? It has a nice ring to it,” she smirks. 

I disengage my hand from hers only to use it to smack her with. “You cheated!” I pout and I know it’s a childish look, but I am a little bit buzzed and I can’t help it. “Finn,” I turn to face him again after my loss. “Tell Lexa she cheated.”

He throws his hands up in surrender. “You’re on your own, babe,” he chuckles before returning to his own conversation.

Knight in shining armor, that one.

I look at Lexa again and the glimmer in her eyes tells me just how much she’s enjoying my plight and I really just want to like, poke her eyes or something. “Fine, rematch. No _distractions_!” that last word I direct to all the others there and they react the same way Finn did, hands in the air. 

We count down and start again. She pins my thumb as fast as she did the first time, but I escape and reach over with my left hand to push her thumb down and I blurt out the phrase as fast as I can. She lets out a high pitched sound and giggles.

“You cheated!” and now she’s the one pouting and I mentally high five myself. But she pokes my forehead, much like Finn had earlier, and I bat her hand away with a smile. 

“No, I didn’t, I played just as fairly as you did.” 

She rolls her eyes and starts poking me everywhere, my head, my shoulder, my neck and I keep smacking her attacks away. Each poke igniting a titter or two from me. She’s either really quick or I’m more of a light weight than I thought I was. 

“Hey, ladies,” Finn’s words cut her tickle assault.

“What’s up?” Lexa replies, poking me one last time and I giggle again.

“We were just talking about heading to J.J’s after we settle up.” 

“Oh?” I didn’t know that was part of the plan, though Finn had been pretty ambiguous about what was going to happen tonight. “Okay,” I say, smiling at him and running my hand down his arm until our fingers are intertwined. It’s not that late and I don’t mind continuing the night. “What’s J.J’s?” I ask as an afterthought.

“It’s a bar. Their food is shit, but they have more than just beer there. Plus it’s trivia night, so,” Finn replies.

“Oh, cool.”

The waitress drops the check off and just like she did with the appetizers she stands next to Lexa to place it in the middle of the table. This time, though, she puts her hand on Lexa’s shoulder then signals with a nod to the check. 

“Found a way you could help my night get better,” she says in a low voice meant for only Lexa to hear, but I’m so close to them that it doesn’t escape my hearing either. I feel heat rush through my body and I really just want the waitress gone. 

“I think this is for you, Lex,” Bellamy says as he hands her a card that he retrieved from one of the pockets of the black check holder. I’m only able to make out the word ‘hottie’ with a heart over the ‘i’. If I had a dollar for every time I rolled my eyes at this girl tonight, I’d have like, three dollars. 

“You guys ready to head over to the next one?” Finn asks everyone after everything is squared away. 

I put my jacket on before we all head outside, but just standing near the open door I know my jacket is not going to help withstand the cold temperatures for very long. I pull my blazer tighter to me as a light breeze blows as I walk out. I shiver, rubbing my arms with my hands and thanking god for the close parking space we got when we arrived. 

We begin walking and I’m surprised when everyone starts walking in the opposite direction of the parked cars. It strikes me that we’re going to be walking to the next place and I freeze just thinking about that. Shit. 

“How far is the bar?” I ask Finn, standing closer to him, trying to get warmer by proxy.

“Just a few blocks away,” he says. Then he turns to look at Lexa. “What would you say, like six blocks away?”

“More like ten,” Lexa says with a laugh and I have to do a double take.

“Did you just say ten?” I ask, incredulous. No one told me we would be walking out in the middle of the night for ten blocks. This light jacket is not enough for that and I shiver as I pull it as tight to me as possible.

“Yeah, it’s just around the corner,” Bellamy says, pointing ahead of us. I don’t know in what world ten blocks equals ‘just around the corner’, but I can’t even see where he’s pointing to from here.

“Sorry,” Lexa mumbles from beside me. “We’ve done this walk a million times so it’s always just around the corner. I don’t think they realize how far away it is,” she explains.

That’s easy for her to say. She dressed for the occasion, warm jacket and appropriate shoes in place. Unlike me and my very cute, but very uncomfortable for the cold ensemble.

“It’s fine,” I say and it’s like my mantra for the night.

I shake my head, I really hate this idea and I hate that Finn didn’t even tell me that this could be a possibility. I know that this is how he is sometimes, not always planning things out and often spontaneous when it comes to nights like this. It was one of the things I enjoyed about him when we first started dating. But I wish he had pushed harder for me to dress with warmth in mind.

Another shiver runs through me and my whole body shakes. I’m going to freeze to death before we reach the next bar. “Hey Finn,” I say to get his attention. “Come here and keep me warm,” I say as I waggle my eyebrows.

“Such a horn dog,” he chuckles and waves me off, then jogs a few yards to catch up with his boys. I stand in place for a moment, my hand on my hip. I can’t believe that he left me to fend for myself in this cold ass street. I know that I had been a bit suggestive, but I feel like he should know that that was in jest and that me being cold is not. 

“Here,” Lexa says and I didn’t realize she was standing beside me until just now. I look at her, ready to take my frustration out on her instead, until I see what she’s holding in her hand. “You can wear it, I’m used to the cold.”

I look down to the jacket she’s holding out for me. The same jacket she was wearing a few minutes ago. I look back up at her who now only has a sweater on over her flannel shirt for warmth, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” she nods and shrugs. “It’s almost two degrees warmer than yesterday. So, you know, it’s hot now.” She lies with a smile. 

I contemplate saying no because I don’t want her to get cold, but I’m freezing and she doesn’t seem bothered at all at the moment. So, I take it with a soft thanks and put it on, immediately welcoming the warmth it brings. 

“Better?” Lexa asks, a small smile playing on her lips. I nod in reply. “I don’t know how he has a girlfriend, honestly,” I look at her with a frown, prompting her to continue as we pick up our pace to get to J.J.’s faster. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy to hang out with, but damn, his partner skills need some work.”

I laugh at that, my mood finally improving now that I don’t feel like my bones are turning into icicles. “Oh, and yours don’t?”

“I gave you my jacket, didn’t I?” she replies with that same smirk and I can’t even refute her point there.

“Then how come you don’t have a girlfriend, huh?” I challenge, just because I’ve discovered I really like provoking her. “Just enjoy getting numbers from waitresses too much?”

“Who says I don’t?”

I open my mouth to answer, then quickly close it. I actually hadn’t considered that possibility. The thought of it makes my stomach tight and I don’t know why. I definitely don’t want to think about it.

My thoughts are interrupted by her laugh. “I don’t, but,” she shrugs and I smack her arm. Apparently she enjoys provoking me too.

“I can see why,” I reply and she just lifts one perfect eyebrow at me. “You’re annoying and a cheat!” I exclaim as I give her a thumbs up. She lunges at me and I have to wrap my arms tightly around myself when I feel her grabbing onto the jacket’s sleeve, pulling it.

“Okay, that’s it,” she says, her eyes shining. “I want this back,” she says, tugging it some more.

“What? No,” I say, elongating the o’s. “You can’t take it back now.”

I squeeze my arms more tightly to prevent her and she laughs as she half-heartedly keeps pulling on the sleeve.

“Hey, dorks,” Finn’s voice cuts through and we both stop doing what we’re doing. “We’re here, let’s go.”

I nod, clearing my throat and walking faster to catch up to Finn, leaving Lexa behind. Her jacket still snuggly wrapped around me

#####

I try to stifle another yawn, my eyes drifting to the screen in the corner of the bar. It’s 1:35am and I’m ready to pass out. We’ve been at this bar for the past three hours and the first part was fun. We got second place in trivia, winning a ten dollar gift card for this establishment that was promptly spent and then some. The drinks flowed like a river and damn could these guys drink it. Of course, with the drinks came more stories and I’m done listening to their stories. I want to sleep.

Another yawn slips through and this time I have to cover it with my hand. “Hey, babe?” I whisper softly into Finn’s ear. “Can we go? I’m tired.”

Finn looks at me, his eyes glossy from drinking. “Already?” he asks, his breath reeks of the drinks he imbibed and I lean back a little. “We are just getting started.”

It’s drunk Finn replying to me now. This Finn I have never been a fan of and I’ve told him so in the past after a particular night he spent with his friends in Seattle. That night he came over and was such an ass that I ended up calling a cab for him to take him back to his place. He said some rude things to the cab driver and I ended up being the one to apologize to the poor guy. 

The next morning I threatened to break up with him if it happened again, but he swore he’d be better. And he has been good about it and either leaves me alone when he parties too hard or just doesn’t drink as much when I’m around. But, this is a special occasion, I guess. 

“Please?” I ask, hoping my sad eyes will do the trick. 

He sighs and I’m about to do an internal happy dance, but then he says, “C’mon, Clarke. I just wanna hang out, okay?” he says gruffly. 

I lean back against the chair and cross my arms. I’m not going to engage with him any further about this. I don’t see it ending well for either of us. It doesn’t take long before another yawn breaks through and this time I don’t try to stop it.

“You tired?” Lexa asks without looking up. She’s sitting across from me this time and passively participating in conversation. She’s been more into her phone here, texting who I can only assume is the waitress by the way her face lights up when her phone buzzes.

“What gave it away?” I fume and I don’t know why I take my dissatisfaction with my boyfriend’s response to me out on her, but I can’t help it. It just sucks that she seems to pay more attention to the way I’m feeling than Finn has been. He’s my boyfriend for fuck’s sake.

She smiles and I hate that she doesn’t seem to bat an eye when I give her attitude. Usually people back away, but not Lexa. She stares at me for a couple of seconds then back at her phone and lets out a sigh before typing something quick on it. 

“Alright, guys,” Lexa says, placing both hands on the table before pushing herself up. “I’m gonna call it a night.” she states amidst a flurry of boos and nos that don’t seem to phase her. “Yeah, I know, it’s been fun, I’m just tired.”

“Sure,” Jasper slurs, “You’re _tired_.” he chortles and the other guys follow in turn.

I look at her. More like glare at her, envying her ability to just get up and leave and fuck someone. But she’s also our ride, how are we supposed to get home? Does that mean I’m now at the mercy of one of Finn’s other friends to make it home?

“You wanna come, Clarke?” she asks as she lends me a hand to stand.

I blink back at her with surprise that she would extend that offer, but I’m not one to deny something I want. With her help I stand, but feel a slight tug when Finn grabs at my hand and holds on to it with a limp grip, the alcohol reducing his fine motor skills. 

“Where you taking my girl, Lex?” 

“I’m taking your girl home.” she replies as she slides his hand off mine. “If you want, Clarke.”

A quick nod is all she needs to spur her into saying her goodbyes to everyone with her hugging them from behind while they sit and some high fives. She lingers with Jasper, patting him on the shoulder after he nods.

I just wave at everyone, thanking them for a good time before mindlessly leaning in and kissing Finn on the cheek. He tries to bring me in for a real kiss, but I move away from him, not allowing that. I’m mad at him and he’s lucky he got any kind of goodbye from me. 

The worst part is that he doesn’t notice or care that I’m pissed at him. Before Lexa and I even get to the door he’s already back to talking with his friends. I’d be more bothered if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m going to be in a bed relatively soon.

We step outside and somehow it’s even colder now than it was before. Great. I’m definitely looking forward to walking ten blocks again. The only bright side the cold is that it effectively woke me up for this walk to the car.

A pair of hands on my shoulders makes me jump a little and it takes me a second to realize Lexa is placing her jacket on my back.

“You don’t have to,” I protest, but my body betrays me and my arms start looking for the sleeves so I can properly put it on.

“Please. You were shivering as soon as we walked out the door.”

“Whatever,” I say, finally zipping the jacket up. I take a deep breath, trying to ignore how good it smells. As we start our trek something dawns on me. “Hey, what happened to your plans with the waitress?” I don’t think I could put any more disdain on that last word if I tried. 

“Oh…” she waves it off. “Like I said, I got tired.”

Something about the way she says it makes me not believe her, but I’m not going to push her on it. I much prefer she be with me, anyway. Taking me home, of course. 

“What about the guys, think it’s fine that we left them.” 

“Yeah, I took Jasper’s keys and made him promise to call a cab. They’ll be fine.”

“Oh good,” I say and I mean it. “Finn’s an asshole right now, so I’d really like to be able to yell at him tomorrow about it.” 

Lexa chuckles. “Never mind Finn,” she says as we walk side by side. The street is mostly deserted and it makes me a little uneasy to walk back to the car in the middle of the night, but Lexa seems fine and that calms me enough to push the worry away. “They all get carried away when we get together.”

“I noticed,” I say. “It’s fine.”

“You say that a lot,” Lexa says and I roll my eyes.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t keep implying otherwise.”

Her laugh echoes through the night. “Okay, Clarke.”

I glare at her. “Why don’t you?” She looks at me, eyebrows furrowed. “Why don’t you get all intense, like they do?” I explain.

She shrugs. “I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, I like them. And I like when they are back in town and we all get to hang out again like when we were younger, but it’s like–” she pauses, looking ahead of her. “They’ve all moved away, going to college somewhere that’s not here, and so they come back home and all they want to do is talk about the ‘good ol’ times’” she says, adding air quotes.

“I stayed,” she continues, tucking her hands in her front pockets and I wonder if I should give her jacket back, but the selfish part of me doesn’t want to. It feels good. And I’m sure she’d have no problem asking for it if she really needed it. “And so what’s reminiscing for them is just, it’s still my life. So I don’t really feel the need to talk about it like they do.”

I nod, appreciating her honesty. Something tells me Lexa isn’t really the type to open up to just anyone and the fact that she just told me that –either to make me feel better or to help me understand Finn– feels good.

“Why did you stay?” I ask her, sliding my hands into the pockets of the borrowed jacket.

“How are you still cold?” Lexa asks with a shake of her head, effectively side-stepping my question. “That jacket is really warm.”

“Hey, don’t judge me,” I say, letting her get away with it. I’m not going to pressure her to talk about something she doesn’t want to. “I don’t judge you for walking around and being fine in just a sweater!”

“You better not,” Lexa threatens, “or I’ll take my jacket back.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” I challenge and I can see how my words awaken something inside her if the look in her eyes is anything to go by.

“Are you sure, Clarke?” Lexa says, reaching over to try and grab the jacket. I avoid her grasp by a hair, a laugh bubbling in my chest as I take a couple of steps away from her. “You won’t get very far with those shoes,” she adds, walking toward me.

“Watch me,” I say, ready to start running. I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s dark, the sidewalk is uneven, I’m sure there’s ice everywhere and Lexa isn’t wrong about these shoes not being ideal for a situation like this. But none of that stops me as I take a couple of strides away from Lexa. I love provoking her.

I feel victorious as I watch Lexa just stand there, shaking her head at me, but it doesn’t take long for her to start chasing me and I let out an embarrassing squeal when I feel her get closer.

“You’ll never ca– oh, shit!” I’m about to eat my words, I know this as I feel my foot hit an elevated part of the sidewalk, my arms flailing aimlessly in front of me as I try to balance myself, but I’m unsuccessful. My feet don’t react quick enough and I can see myself face-planting on the ground. I close my eyes, bracing for impact, until I feel a strong tug from behind, effectively pulling me back.

“Clarke!”

I land on my knees instead, my hands somehow managing to soften the landing, Lexa’s hand also helping to avoid a harder impact. I sigh in relief.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks, her hand still on my back, but no longer holding onto the jacket. She’s kneeling next to me, running her eyes over me to assess if there’s any damage. “Did you hurt yourself?”

“No,” I say, shaking my head. Next thing I know I’m leaning forward, head hanging and just laughing. “I’m fine,” I say between giggles that she joins in on. “But fuck. That could’ve been an ugly fall,” I lean back to rest on my haunches then look at my hands, surprised to not see any scratches.

Lexa must’ve really softened the fall. “Thank you,” I say once my fits of giggles start to subside.

Lexa’s smiling at me, her eyes going to my hands as well. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” I answer, whipping the dust from my hands before pushing myself up. I offer Lexa a hand up. “Thanks, again.”

“No problem,” she says. “I didn’t want to see my jacket ruined.”

I look at her, mouth open until I catch the small smile playing on her lips. I smack her arm instead. “Asshole.”

Lexa laughs. “Now, now. Don’t make me take the jacket away. We both know you clearly can’t run away.” I push her with my shoulder this time, chuckling when it makes Lexa stumble a little.

We reach Lexa’s car shortly after and I get in it, welcoming the hot air as soon as it starts blowing. I place my hands directly on the vents to warm them up quicker, my fingers numb from the cold needing the most heat. 

She glances over at me. “Is it warm enough for you, Clarke? Feel free to fiddle with the knobs.”

“Lucky me, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner first,” I quip, alluding to the earlier comment she made in Finn’s room last night. It seems to catch her off guard for a moment before a smile plays at her lips. I’m throwing her off her game and I like it. 

“Oh, Clarke of Seattle thinks she’s funny, huh?” she says as she reaches to turn the heater off.

“No!” I whine as I turn it back on. 

She turns it back off. “Hey, hey, driver’s choice!” she claims and slaps at my hand as it almost approaches the button to turn the heater back on. The multiple attempts that I make, and with both hands, mind you, are still not enough to win.

“Hey, slow poke, I need to concentrate on the road,” she warns. 

“You could just let me turn the heater on, butthead,” I complain and pull my arms out of the sleeves so that every part of my upper body is inside the jacket. I move my head down into it as well, the top of the zipped up jacket covering my face a bit past my nose. 

“Oh no,” she grabs at her chest dramatically. “I don’t know if I can go on living since you slay me with your name calling!”

I want to smack her, just a little, but due to me wanting to be warm and wearing this coat almost like one would wear a straight-jacket, I don’t have the ability to. Instead I just roll my eyes and complain some more. 

“Come on, Lexa, please?” I try to make my eyes do most of the begging for me. Well, my eyes and I think I probably must look somewhat pathetic all wrapped up in her car.

She glimpses over at me with that smirk. That smirk is going to be the death of me, I’m sure. 

“Fine, but only because you asked so nicely, you adorable burrito,” she says before pinching my left cheek. I don’t even fight it, mostly because I can’t. And now I know why Finn hates it so much. 

I roll my eyes and she giggles before turning the heater on again.

The rest of the ride is mostly done in silence and I know that I haven’t known Lexa very long, a day only in fact. But when you find someone that gets you and automatically understands when you’re making a joke or when you look at them a certain way they know it means something specific, you get comfortable with them easily. All that to say that the silence in the car, except for the lovely sounds the vents were making, isn’t unpleasant. 

As we get nearer to Finn’s house she slows but doesn’t stop where I thought she would. Rather, she pulls into the house next door’s driveway then turns the car off. She opens her door, but before she can step out I tug on her sleeve. 

“What are you doin’?” 

She looks at me with confusion. “I was gonna walk you home and then go to my place to sleep?” she points at the house whose driveway we’re parked in. 

“Oh,” I whisper as realization hits me. “You’re literally the girl next door.”

She smiles and gets out of the car, shutting her door quickly before jogging over to my side and opening mine. She offers me a hand to help me out and it’s an overly cute gesture for someone like her. 

“Well,” she starts with a small giggle, “too bad there wasn’t a girl next door for me too, huh?” 

It’s my turn to giggle and we head over to Finn’s together. I feel something wet touch my nose then my eyebrow and I look up only to be greeted with more of it. Small snowflakes tickling my nose once again along with other parts on my face. 

“It’s too bad you hate the cold,” Lexa says, stopping in the middle of Finn’s parent’s driveway, her breath making a smoky appearance. 

“Why’s that?” I ask while trying to catch a snowflake in my mouth. I catch her eyes on me, a soft smile playing at her lips. “What?”

She shakes her head, brushing my last question off. “Well, one of my favorite things to do when it’s like this is just stand and look up as the snow falls down. That and snow angels, but I think that may be too much for your poor cold-hating body,” she ends with a laugh. 

I smile at the sound of her laughter, something that just yesterday would irk me, but now it’s just contagious. Also, the thought of this woman making snow angels is priceless and my hands itch to push her into the snow-covered lawn. The only thing holding me back is that I know she’d be able to catch me and I’d be dead. Stupid boots that offer nothing but style. I love them, usually, but now is the second time tonight that I regret using them.

I walk closer to her as she looks up at the falling snow then mimic her because I want to know why a sane person would want to do this. I have the urge to close my eyes everytime one gets close, but she shakes her head at me.

“Uh-uh, you gotta keep your eyes open,”

“This is lame, Lexa.” 

“You’re lame, Clarke,” she retorts and we both start giggling. I think I drank too much, I don’t think I’ve giggled so much in my life. 

“Good one,” I mumble and receive a gentle smack to my shoulder for it. I look up again, eyes open this time for a few seconds before turning my attention back to her. “Why do you like this so much?” I ask while shoving my hands in the jacket pockets again. If we stay out here any longer even doing this won’t stop my hands from becoming numb. It’s crazy to me that she can stand out here in this weather without her jacket and still be fine with all the snow that’s starting to fall a lot faster. 

“It’s just always made me feel like I’m flying,” she shrugs before looking me over. “Cold again, huh?”

“What gave it away?” I respond, my chattering teeth chewing up the words. And though I’m cold, I get why she likes it now. Especially with the snow coming down the way it is, falling quickly past my sight. It’s kind of cool. 

Lexa walks up behind me and starts to move her hands up and down on my arms. It takes me by surprise at first, but the warmth the friction generates is welcome and I start relaxing into it. She steps in, her front pressing into my back as she pulls me in closer. 

“Does this help?” she breathes and the air she expels tickles my ear. 

“Desperately, yes,” I reply as the warmth she creates travels through my whole body. She feels really good. “But my hands are still frozen.” 

“Oh, here,” she says as she slides her hands down my arms, following them into the same pockets that my own hands reside. She places her hands over mine and it stuns me that they are warm. It’s like this place raised human furnaces or something. 

We stand together like that for a moment before turning our attention back to the snowflakes plummeting from the sky. The snow starts to stick to the ground beside our feet and it’s almost as if it absorbs any sound around us it’s so quiet. Everything feels so… right and without thinking I interlace my fingers with hers.

“I also like how quiet it gets,” she whispers and I almost don’t catch the words.

“I was just thinking that,” I start to feel warm and for the first time since Finn and I arrived here, relaxed. I lean my body into her and feel her respond in kind. The closer she gets to me, the cozier it feels and I can’t help the murmur that escapes my lips. With that I feel her tense up and before I know what’s happening she’s taking a step back, our hands no longer joined as she pulls hers out of the jacket.

“You should head inside,” she says as she jogs to the front door and unlocks it, the Space Needle keychain hanging. “I think it’s a lot warmer in there, so,” she giggles without the same fervor that she had earlier in the night. I frown at the change in her demeanor. She’s no longer looking at me and walks past me to the end of the driveway, her boots crunching the snow underneath. 

My mind tells me to protest, to stop her, to reach out and ask her what’s wrong. But my body is tired and without her next to me I’m getting colder by the second. It’s probably for the best that I head inside,, anyway. 

“Okay,” I say, nodding. “Thanks for the ride,” I offer her a small smile, because I am grateful she took me home. 

“Of course. Anything for Finn’s girlfriend.”

Finn’s girlfriend. Not Clarke or Clarke from Seattle like she has been calling me. It’s like she’s trying to remind herself of that, or me. It’s too late to debate about it and I don’t have the energy to figure out what’s going through her mind right now. Instead, I just wave at her, wish her a good night and head toward the house.

I turn around as I approach the door, remembering one thing. I catch eyes with her and tug at the coat Lexa loaned me for the night.

“Keep it for now,” she remarks, understanding my small gestures. “I’ll get it back some other time.” 

I nod before giving her one last wave and receive one from her, too. I notice she doesn’t move until I’ve closed the door behind me, her retreating figure the only thing I can see through the main window.


	3. Chapter Three

  
I wake up to the smell of coffee, my mind still fuzzy from sleep but starting to catch up to my senses. The room is still pretty dark and looking out the window I can tell that the sun hasn’t fully risen yet. I look for the digital clock that I know sits on the nightstand beside me; the red numbers tell me that it’s only 7:38. It’s still a little too early to get up, so I shut my eyes again. I turn over expecting to find Finn next to me, my feet are cold and I want to heat them up on his legs. But in place of a warm body that I can snuggle into I find nothing but cold sheets.

My eyes fly open as I tap the empty space like maybe it’ll make him magically appear or something, but of course it doesn’t work. He’s definitely not in bed and I wonder if it’s him making the coffee. I don’t want to be in his bed alone and I have to push myself to get up and get dressed. 

It’s fucking cold and it makes actually leaving the bed that much more difficult. But once I’m out the cold spurs me to put my clothes on like I’m trying to win the award for ‘Fastest Dresser’. The water to brush my teeth and to splash my face is like ice and my god everything in this fucking place is cold. I am definitely looking forward to the coffee.

I reach for my phone and an oversized hoodie that’s lying on the chair by the desk and then head downstairs, letting the smell of coffee guide me into the kitchen. I expect to find Finn with a fresh pot of coffee and hopefully pancakes. He makes some pretty good pancakes. 

My steps falter as soon as I enter the kitchen and find that Finn isn’t in here either. It’s just his parents sitting at the small table by the window, having breakfast. For a split second I have the hope that they don’t see me and I can sneak back the way I came. Not because I don’t like them, just that it’s early and I want to spend the little energy I have toward finding Finn and not on small talk. 

It doesn’t pan out that way. 

“Clarke, darling,” she greets with a smile. “Want to join us for breakfast?”

I want to shake my head and go back upstairs until Finn shows up, but that would be rude so I dip my head and say, “Just coffee sounds good.” I smile as I head to make myself a cup. 

Mrs. Collins stands and places a hand on my shoulder to stop me, “I’ll get it for you, Clarke,” she says as she heads over to the cupboard to grab a mug for me. I try to tell her that it’s okay, but she waves me off with a grin. 

“Did you kids have fun last night?” Mr. Collins asks me and I smile.

“Yeah, it was good,” I say, and then take the opportunity to ask, “Have you guys seen Finn?”

His mom turns around with a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. I take it gratefully, the heat from the cup like heaven in my hands. Mrs. Collins points to the creamer and sugar and I help myself to some, then thank her when she hands me a spoon to stir with. 

“I haven’t seen him,” she says. “He’s not upstairs?”

“No,” I shake my head. “Lexa dropped me off last night and he stayed out with his friends. I’m not sure at what time he came back.”

“Oh, there’s a chance he didn’t,” his dad says in between bites of his toast. “Usually they all stay at Bellamy’s when they hang out. Supposedly, he lives nearer to the cooler places around here.”

I frown, upset that he would stay out all night without telling me. This wouldn’t be a problem if we were back home, but the fact that he would do this to me in his hometown where I know like three people, two of which are his parents, is just… well, it’s not cool. 

“Thanks for the coffee,” I smile. “Do you mind if I take this outside?” I’m hoping they don’t think I’m being rude, but right now I don’t feel like being inside alone with them while they have their intimate breakfast together before having to head off to work. Honestly, I think they probably prefer having their time with each other without having to entertain the girl they barely know that their son dragged home.

“Of course not,” Mrs. Collins says with a grin. “Just make sure you’re bundled up, it’s pretty cold outside.”

I nod and turn around, grabbing the winter coat I left by the door. I set my coffee down on a small table near the coat rack so I can slip on the jacket. Once I’m done zipping it up I grab my mug again and walk outside, gently closing the door behind me.

A puff of air leaves my lips when I sigh and I wrap my hands firmly around the mug, trying to absorb as much heat from it as I can. I sit on the steps, staring out at the front yard. There’s a couple of people leaving their homes to start their day, but it’s pretty calm for the most part.

My eyes track to the middle of the driveway and memories from last night run through my mind. The snow falling, the peace of it all, a new experience with a new friend, all of it was kind of wonderful. It was the best part about last night. I don’t know what it means that the most fun I had had nothing to do with my boyfriend. 

I’m half-way through my coffee, which seems to be rapidly losing its warmth, when I spot a familiar brunette coming from around the corner. She’s about to run past the house when she spots me and stops in her tracks. She reaches to her ear and I notice she’s wearing headphones that she’s now pulling off.

“Clarke?” she asks. She’s slightly out of breath, her nose and cheeks a light shade of pink. What kind of crazy person is out at 7 o’clock in the freezing morning? Especially after staying out kinda late like we did. 

“Were you running?” I ask, although the answer is pretty obvious.

She walks in my direction, stopping a few feet in front of me, tilting her head to the side. “I was. What are you doing?”

“Enjoying a lovely cup of coffee,” I raise my mug to show her, my hands shaking from the cold.

“Really?” it doesn’t sound like she believes me and I wait for her to raise an eyebrow at me. I’m going to start calling it her ‘Eyebrow of Disbelief’ from now on. “You would never willingly sit outside in the cold like this.” She glances behind me at Finn’s house, frowning. “Did you guys get in a fight?” she teases. “Did Finn kick you out?”

I sigh and lean back a bit to get a better look at her. “No,” I frown. “He’d need to be here for us to fight,” I tell her and she stands there, staring at me.

“Seriously?” She asks incredulously. “He didn’t come home?” 

I shake my head.

“That idiot,” she mutters. “He probably stayed at Bellamy’s. They usually–”

“Do that when they go out. Yeah. Finn’s dad filled me in.”

Lexa sighs, looking up at the sky. She seems more exasperated than I feel. It’s fine. If it was safer for them to stay somewhere closer to the bar that’s totally okay. The part that bothers me the most is that he didn’t let me know that he was going to do that. How hard is it to shoot me a text? 

“So, you’re out here hiding from his parents?” Lexa asks as she peeks around, making sure the people she’s talking about aren’t around to hear her. Her breaths have slowed now, but her face is still red. I can see small puffs of air coming out of her mouth every time she exhales.

“I wouldn’t call it hiding,” I rush to explain. They are nice people, really. I don’t want Lexa to get the wrong impression. “I’m just…” I trail off. I don’t know what to call it.

She smiles. “Wanna hide in my house?”

My head snaps up to look at her. “Could I?” I try not to sound hopeful, or desperate, but I’m freezing my ass off. These steps might as well be a block of ice and my butt is numb and has been practically since I first sat down. I could use being indoors right about now.

“Sure,” she says as she offers me a hand to stand. “I can’t let Finn’s girlfriend freeze to death. He’d kill me.”

“I didn’t know you were afraid of him.” I chuckle.

Lexa laughs softly, shaking her head. “Sorry, let me rephrase that. He would try to kill me. He wouldn’t be successful.”

We walk across the lawn until we are standing on Lexa’s porch. She reaches into a hidden pocket on the side of her jogging pants to pull out a single key that she uses to open the door. 

“You sound very confident,” I say, following her inside. Her house is warm and it already feels good to be indoors. I take my jacket off, handing it to Lexa when she reaches for it. She hangs it up and closes the door behind us.

“Well, he stands no chance, so,” she shrugs. 

“He hits the gym practically every day.” I tell her, feeling the need to defend his honor. “You really think you can take him?” Lexa doesn’t even flinch, she just stands there, smile plastered on her face. 

“You don’t know what I do for a living, do you?” she asks and I shake my head in response. “I teach self defense and I’ve been in martial arts since I was a kid. He can hit the gym all he wants, but,” she shrugs, “He won’t win. Believe me, he’s tried,” she says with a smirk. That stupid, confident smirk that I think may be growing on me. 

“You do?” I ask, holding on to the most interesting piece of information, which surprisingly isn’t the fact that Finn’s unsuccessfully tried beating Lexa up. If any of the stories from last night taught me anything, they were probably being little idiots and fighting over nothing. 

“Yeah, been volunteering to teach since I was in my teens and actually getting paid for it for the past two years or so.”

“Huh, he did not tell me that,” I say and I can’t help it when my eyes slide down to look at her arms, looking for any signs of upper body strength. This is the first time I’ve seen Lexa wear a tight shirt and I can definitely see toned arms. I realize I’ve gone silent and have been pretty much staring at her muscles, so I force myself to look up and away, turning to face what seems to be the living room. “Hm, so,” I say, clearing my throat. “What martial art do you do? Karate or something like that?”

I think it’s obvious to her that my knowledge of types of martial arts doesn’t extend very far with that kind of question, but she doesn’t seem phased by it.

“No,” she says from beside me. “It’s called Kali, but you’ve probably never heard of it,” she shrugs. “It’s not that well known outside of the people who actually care about this stuff.”

“I haven’t,” I admit. I finally feel okay enough to look back at her. “What is it?”

“Why don’t you take a seat and look it up while I go take a shower?” she says with a knowing smile. “I need to get out of my workout clothes.”

I nod and try to stop the visual that’s forming in my head. I’m only partly successful, but luckily for me she has already turned around and is walking down the hall, which means she can’t see the way her completely innocent comment affected me.

######

Turns out Kali, also known as Arnis, is a martial art that originated in the Philippines and it includes fighting with weapons. At least that’s what I was able to find on Wikipedia and in the couple of YouTube videos I watched. It looks pretty cool and if she can do half of what I watched, I need to remember to never get on her bad side. It also makes me wonder what else Lexa knows how to do.

She’s turning out to be someone completely different from what I imagined when I first saw her a few days ago. Granted, back then I was completely blindsided by her appearance and then thought she was Finn’s ex-girlfriend, so there wasn’t a lot of room for great first impressions.

I chuckle at the thought, realizing now how absurd it was. The shower turning off makes me turn my head in the direction Lexa disappeared and it gives me a moment to look around the house. Christmas decorations are up, but definitely not as much as you’d expect considering it’s only a couple of days away.

There’s a small tree in the corner, lights wrapped around it but not turned on, only a couple of presents sit under it. I stand up and walk to the fireplace, checking out the decorations lined up on the mantel. There’s a couple of candles and a single framed picture. The picture shows a kid who looks a lot like Lexa standing next to a girl. Neither one of them is smiling, but there’s a glint in their eyes that tells me it’s a good memory.

“You’re lucky,” Lexa’s voice startles me and I jump a little, my right hand going to my chest. “That picture only comes out during Christmas when we put up the rest of the decorations.”

I turn around, taking in the woman now standing by the couch. Her hair is still wet, but it’s tied in a tight braid that’s hanging over her right shoulder. She’s wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, and it’s such a relaxed, normal look, but somehow it makes her look even prettier than any of the other outfits I had seen her in.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I take a step away from the fireplace and walk back to the couch. “I thought you wanted to get out of your workout clothes,” I tease.

Lexa looks down at herself. “These? These are not workout clothes, Clarke,” she says and is it silly to like the way someone says your name? “These are my comfortable clothes. Very different.”

“Hm,” is all I can say because I really don’t see the difference. I sit down on the couch and follow Lexa with my eyes as she joins me. “How come that picture isn’t always up there?” I ask, bringing us back to her first comment.

She shrugs, looking at it before looking back at me. “We’re not really one for taking and displaying family pictures. This is one of the few we have and it was taken around Christmas time. So, we only put it out-”

“On Christmas,” I add

“Yeah,” she smiles at me.

“Who is she, anyway?” I’m curious. She kinda looks like Lexa, but she’s definitely not old enough to be her mom.

“That’s Anya, she’s my cousin.”

That explains it. “Does she live with you?” I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly very interested in finding out more about Lexa. She’s Finn’s friend after all, so it’s good that I learn more about her. 

Lexa chuckles and then says, “More like I live with her, but yeah.”

“How old were you?” I point at the picture in question.

“What is this, twenty-one questions?” Lexa asks and I can feel my cheeks warming up. I look to the side, trying to hide my embarrassment.

“Sorry,” I mumble. “I was just curious.”

My left leg wobbles when Lexa leans forward and pushes it with her hand. “I’m just kidding, Clarke,” she says and I can hear the smile in her voice. God, she’s such a jerk. But a jerk who manages to make me smile, at least there’s that.

“Whatever,” I feign disinterest. “I was just being polite.”

She laughs and stands up, walking to grab the picture and then coming back. This time she sits down closer to me, our thighs touching. I try to ignore the way my stomach twists when I take a deep breath. The same aroma that I could smell on her jacket the other day not comparing at all to how good she smells sitting next to me. 

“I think I was…” she trails off, running a finger over the picture. “Eleven? I think I had just turned eleven. And Anya was twenty. This was taken after my first competition.”

I want to take a better look at the picture now that I have more context, but her hand is in the way. Without thinking about what I’m doing I reach over and wrap my fingers around her wrist, moving her hand away so I can inspect it more closely. A spark of electricity rushes through my veins from the point of contact, but I ignore it as I lean closer to see the picture more clearly. 

There’s a shiny gold medal hanging from Lexa’s neck catching my attention for the first time. “Ugh,” I let go of her wrist, reclining back against the couch. “Overachiever.”

“Hey, I told you I was good,” Lexa says with a bright smile and it makes me wonder why she’s not smiling like that in the picture.

“You seem more proud of it now than you did back then.”

“Hm. I suppose,” she says, staring at the picture, deep in thought. “It’s easier to appreciate it now,” she adds after a bit.

Pulling the inside of my cheek between my teeth, I consider what to say next. I want to know why, what was different back then, but I don’t want to impose. I look at her profile as she contemplates the image in front of her and realize I’m too interested to let it go.

“How come?” I ask softly.

Lexa is silent for a moment and it feels like this is going to be another question that she wants to sidestep. She stands up and walks to the fireplace to put the frame back where it belongs, tracing it with her finger for a couple of seconds before turning around to face me again. She stands there for a couple of minutes with a contemplative look like there’s a battle going on inside her. Then she lets out a breath. 

“I lost my parents when I was nine,” she says suddenly, and whatever I was expecting, that wasn’t it. I try to hide how surprised I am, but I make sure not to look away. She needs to know I’m listening. “I spent a few months in foster care while they were trying to figure out what would happen to me.”

She bows her head, averting her gaze from mine. “We don’t have a lot of family. Anya was my best option and she was only nineteen, so that should say a lot,” she looks to her left, her eyes landing on the Christmas tree. An almost imperceptible smile appears on her lips. “I don’t know why or how she did it, but she managed to convince them she was going to take care of me.”

Her eyes return to me then and they shine with such admiration, it makes my heart swell. “I owe everything to her,” she says, finally walking back to sit on the couch. I turn in my place to look at her, my knees facing the middle of the couch. “That picture was taken almost a year after I had moved in with her. Things weren’t great, but they were getting better,” she looks at her hands then, playing with her fingers. “There was still a lot going on. It was a bitter-sweet moment. I had won the championship, but my parents weren’t there to see it.”

Without thinking, I reach over and take her right hand, giving it a light squeeze. I look up to find her eyes find mine and I flash her a small smile. “I’m sorry that happened to you,” I offer even though I know it’s not going to change anything. But I want her to know that I care. 

She smiles back at me, much the same way as I did, and as much as I know I should let go of her hand, I can’t bring myself to do it. “Thank you,” she says. “I’m okay now, I’ve learned to live with it. And I could never be ungrateful for everything that’s happened since then.”

“That’s a great way to look at it,” I respond. She’s being so open with me and I can’t think that she’s vulnerable like this with everybody so, I feel the need to reciprocate. “I wish I could have the same outlook.”

“What do you mean?” she asks softly.

“My dad passed away a few years ago,” I let out and I can’t believe I’m going to tell her any of this. I haven’t spoken about it with anyone. Obviously my mom knows, but we’ve never really sat down and talked with each other on what his death meant for us. That’s just not our relationship. 

I feel her eyes on me and having her hand in mine encourages me to continue. “We had a lot of good times and he was always accepting about whatever I wanted to do. If I expressed an interest in anything he’d get behind me like, a hundred and ten percent. Which wasn’t always a good thing,” I add with a shy smile. “I was a terrible little cellist,” Lexa chuckles a bit at the face I pull.

“Though, it did help me find a hobby I was good at and that I fell in love with, so that’s good.”

“Yeah?” she asks. “What’s that?”

“Art. I like to sit anywhere and watch people and sketch them like a stalker,” we both giggle at that. “He gave me my first notebook and now I have so many notebooks of random sketches all over the place. I really need to be more organized with them.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” 

I bow my head for a moment, remembering the last thing I drew for him was a griffin with his face on it. It was just a gag gift for his birthday that was a lead up to his real gift because I knew he had the funniest distaste for animals with human faces. I think it freaked him out for some reason. But his reaction to it wasn’t what I was expecting and he kissed me on my cheek and told me he’d keep it with him forever. It was still in his wallet when they found him. 

“Anyway,” I say, looking back up at her. “I am thankful for the time that I had with him, but since then I’ve had a hard time finding things to be grateful for.” 

She nods. “I know what you mean, but I’m sure you’ll start finding things soon enough.”

I smile at that, enjoying her perception of things to come. It’s comforting. She looks down and I follow her eyes to our joined hands. I let go, suddenly feeling very self-conscious about it and stand up. I want to switch topics, distract us from some pretty heavy memories. I look around for something else to talk about and my eyes land on the gifts by the tree. I walk in that direction, kneeling to pick one up.

“Is this one for you?” I ask her, turning around to show her which one I’m talking about.

She smiles, seemingly thankful for the reprieve. “Yeah. But you better put it down.”

She really should know better by now than to tell me what to do. “Why?” I ask with a sly grin. “Don’t you wanna know what it is?” I shake the neatly wrapped box hoping it gives me some clue as to what its contents are.

“No rattles, so we know it’s not beans,” I remark as I shake it some more.

“Beans? Who buys people beans?” she asks with the Eyebrow of Disbelief. I guess she can’t believe I would guess something so ridiculous. “Remind me to never accept a present from you.”

I giggle and shake it once more. “Okay, it’s sturdy, so we know it’s not a paperback book…”

“Clarke,” Lexa’s tone is a bit threatening as she stands up. I like it. “Put it down,” she insists, taking a couple of steps toward me. That’s when I realize I didn’t plan this properly, because I have the tree right behind me and nowhere to run. So I do the only logical thing and hold the gift high above my head.

“Come on, where’s your sense of curiosity? We’ve eliminated beans and a book, I think we’re getting close!” I shake it again, although I can’t feel it moving at all, so I don’t think that’s going to get me very far. 

What’s also not getting me very far is holding the box above my head, because as it turns out, Lexa is slightly taller than me. I think my strategy is pretty much dead in the water and I realize this as soon as she takes a final step forward, her hand reaching up to grab the present. I try to move my arm back so it’s out of her grasp, but she manages to grab my wrist, keeping it in place.

“Clarke,” she says with the same threatening tone, her body almost pressed up against mine. I gulp at the realization that I’m screwed. She’s looking at me, her eyes never leaving my face and with her standing this close I notice for the first time how pretty her eyes are. Though, the shade of green I’m used to seeing is darker than I remember. 

“You really don’t care to know?” I ask, searching her face for some answers, but whatever expression she has leaves me with more questions. Like, why is she looking at me like that and why does it make me want to melt into her? Or why do I feel like she wants to kiss me and why do I think I’d maybe let–

I shake my head to get rid of whatever thought just popped into my head, like my mind is some kind of etch-a-sketch, and lower my hand to let her take the gift away. I move past her as quick as I can, needing to put some distance between us. 

She stands there for a moment, still, and takes a deep breath before placing the box back under the tree. “If Anya knew I even touched that, I would not hear the end of it,” she says, shaking her head at me. 

I chuckle then, crossing my arms over my chest. We are now standing a few feet apart and I’m chastising my body for missing the proximity. “I thought you were Lexa the Unbeatable?” I try at a nickname like she does with me, but that name actually sounds good so maybe I won’t use that again.

She glares at me. “First, I never said that. Second, even if I had, if there’s one person who could beat me, it’s Anya.” I raise an eyebrow at her in question. “She’s been doing Kali for longer than I have.”

“Is that how you got into it?”

“Yeah. Adjusting to a new city, a new school– it had its challenges. Kids weren’t very nice at first, so she started teaching me so I would know how to defend myself. Let’s just say it was a very effective tool.”

The way she talks about it, combined with the few clips I watched earlier, make me even more curious and it prompts me to ask, “Will you show me?”

“What? Now?” she asks, taken aback.

“Yeah. Why, do you need to go change into workout clothes first?” I say, poking fun at her. 

She gives me a pointed look which just makes me giggle. It’s like she’s trying to be all bad ass, but to me it’s just cute. “Fine,” she sighs then starts moving the couch out of the way to make more space for us. “But there’s no way in hell I’m giving you a weapon.”

I’m actually surprised and kind of thrilled that she gave in so quickly. I don’t even care that she doesn’t trust me with a weapon, I don’t trust me with a weapon. “Ah, so, we’re doing empty hand, huh?”

“Wikipedia?” 

“Yup, immediately after you left,” I reply and she laughs softly at that. 

“Alright, let’s work on that stance. Just follow my movements,” she says as she widens her stance, her left foot in front of her right, knees bent slightly. I do what she does, but she looks so cool and I truly doubt I look anything like that. I feel awkward, but her nod of encouragement helps.

“Yeah, cool, so, we’re standing this way because we’re gonna cross.”

I look at her strangely. “What’s that mean?” 

She looks back at me and nods. “Okay, let’s start with names of moves first and go on from there.”

  
#####

  
“Left, right, left,” she encourages as I block her cross with my left arm on the outside then push on her elbow with my right. My left hand coming back up to strike her in the neck, but stopping before I actually make any contact.

“Nice, Clarke!” she smiles so brightly and I can’t help but feel incredibly proud of myself. “You’re a quick learner,” she adds.

I smile back at her. “Yeah? You think?” I know I’m looking for validation here, but I don’t care. I want it. 

“For sure,” she says and the way she looks at me makes me think that she’s proud of me, too. And it’s so dumb how good I feel about that. “You’ll be able to be my sparring partner in no time.”

Something about that last remark saddens me a bit. After Christmas comes and goes, so will I and then I don’t know when I’ll see Lexa again. I wish she’d consider moving to Seattle, she already knows two people from there and we can hang out like this all the time. Plus, it never gets cold like this place, but I know it’s just wishful thinking. 

I don’t want to think about that now. “Teach me some other stuff! This is fun.”

“I’m gonna have to start charging you,” she responds with a smile that I think I’m starting to live for. 

“It’d be worth it.” 

She smiles again, “Alright, well, this is a bit more advanced, but I really want to throw you around, so.”

I laugh and smack her. “I’d like to see you try!” I know she can, but that doesn’t mean I can’t pretend just to get a reaction out of her. She rolls her eyes at me and I know that I’ve done my job. 

Lexa explains that we’re going to practice sweeping the base. As she talks she pulls her hoodie off, revealing only a white tank top underneath. Seeing her arms in her jogging shirt earlier is nothing compared to seeing them uncovered and my eyes start travelling on their own accord along her right arm until they reach her snapping fingertips. Oh, shit.

“You were saying something?” I ask after literally being snapped back to reality.

“Only everything _you_ wanted me to teach you,” she chuckles. “Come on.”

  
#####

  
“Okay, your turn,” Lexa says. “I’m going to throw a punch, do what I taught you and block me. Don’t worry about me.”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” I say, getting ready. I place my feet like she taught me, my right slightly ahead of my left. I sink on my knees just a little, lifting my arms in preparation for her next move.

Lexa extends her right arm and just as she had shown me I extend my left, getting in front of it and pushing it away from her body. It twists her shoulder and I take the opportunity to step forward, using my arm to further push her until she’s turning and she lands on her back with a soft _thud_.

Smiling proudly, I look down at Lexa from my standing position to see she’s mirroring my smile. “I did it!” I yell, lifting my arms up in triumph. “Take that!” The adrenaline is rushing through my veins, my chest rising and falling with each breath. I can see why people like to do this even as just a hobby. 

“You know it’s just practice, right? We’re not competing,” Lexa asks as I pull her up. We are both slightly out of breath, standing a few inches apart.

“Yeah, uh-huh, but I won,” I say as I stick my nose up at her. 

“If you did, I let you win.” 

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Lexa,” I say with a smirk. Of course I know she let me win, there’s no way I would have ever been able to do that without any help, but it’s worth saying so just to see the look on her face. She gets so easily offended.

“I did, though,” she insists, hands on her hips.

“Sure, Lex–” the words die in my mouth and before I know it I’m on the ground. At least she had the decency to catch me as I fell so that I didn’t land hard. I hate that she can do that. “Fine, fine…” I concede. “You let me win,” I say with an eye roll.

She moves to stand between my legs, extending her arm to help me up like she’s been doing this whole time. I look at her hand, considering my options before taking it. And instead of letting her help me stand up, I tug.

I was only expecting to throw her off balance, but I must have caught her off guard and she doesn’t have time to react. She ends up landing on top of me, hands on each side of my face, her body between my legs.

“Shit, Lexa, I’m sorry! Are you okay?” I ask. I really didn’t mean to make her fall.

She still hasn’t fully recovered, her body flush against mine. So close I can feel her ragged breathing. I swallow, trying to ignore the signals my body is sending to my brain. But when she moves slightly she hits a pretty sensitive area and fighting through that is difficult. 

Lexa finally pushes herself up enough that I can see her face and I let out a sigh of relief when I see she’s not mad. She looks down at me, shaking her head with a little giggle. “That could’ve ended very badly, you idiot,” she says, hovering over me.

“I know, “ I murmur with a shy smile. “I really am sorry.” I add as I mindlessly move my hands, one gently placed on her hip, the other to brush back a few stray hairs out of her face. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

She nods, her eyes traveling over me. “Yeah, are you?” she asks softly and the air suddenly feels heavier, like there’s not enough room to breath. I suck in as big a breath as I can, scared at how fast my heart is beating. It should have calmed down by now, but instead it’s pounding so hard I can feel it in my ears.

I wonder if Lexa is feeling the same way.

I search her face for any signs, noticing how her breaths mirror mine, her chest heaving. I try to find her eyes, and it’s then that I realize they’re fixed on my mouth. I involuntarily bite my bottom lip and her breath hitches.

Shit. 

“I–” I start, but have to clear my throat before I can continue. Her eyes snap back to look at mine at the sound of my voice and before I can finish my thought she’s standing up, taking a couple of steps away from me. She doesn’t help me up this time, which, well, fair enough.

“I’m going to get some water,” she says, pointing toward the kitchen. “Do you want some?”

I nod right away. “Yes, please,” is my scratchy reply. My throat feels dry and I’m hoping it’s for no reason other than our sparring session.

I sit back down on the couch, staring at my hands. Thinking too much about what just transpired between us. The way she felt on top of me, the heat I felt flowing through my body that culminated in one spot, her eyes, her lips, her smell surrounding me– 

Fuck. I’ve got to get out of here before something stupid happens. 

“Here you go,” Lexa says, handing me a glass of water. I thank her and immediately start drinking from it, looking anywhere but at her. I can feel her eyes on me, but I don’t want to even try to figure out what that’s about.

Does she think I’m a bad person? A horrible girlfriend? But I didn’t do anything. I didn’t kiss her. I wasn’t even thinking about kissing her. That was...

“So,” she says, and I appreciate her attempt to move on.

“So…”

We aren’t very successful.

My phone dings and I quickly reach for it, hoping for any excuse to not have to deal with the tension surrounding this room. I look at my screen and a message from Finn greets me.

Finn: Hey, where did you go? I’m home.

“Finn’s back,” I announce, standing up. I hand Lexa the now empty glass, rushing to get to the door. “Thanks for letting me hang out.” I reach for my jacket, slipping it on.

Lexa takes a step toward me and it spurs me to move faster. I don’t want to know what I’d do if she were able to touch me. 

“See you later!” I say, opening the door and stepping outside before she can say anything else. I close the door behind me, rushing to get to Finn’s house, ignoring the erratic beating of my heart.


	4. Chapter Four

There’s little glow-in-the-dark stars on Finn’s ceiling, barely noticeable with the afternoon sun shining through the window. It’s the first time I’ve seen them now that I’m lying on his childhood bed, staring up. He’s right beside me, his breath heavy just like mine. 

His comforter is over our lower bodies, both of our shirts still on, mine barely covering my breasts. I can feel his eyes on me, but I can’t dare to look at him, so instead I keep my eyes trained on the stars above me.

“That was…” he starts and I know that he’s having a hard time finding words. It happens every time that his post-sex brain needs a moment to fully function again. “Shit, Clarke.” And this is usually the part where I snuggle into him and kiss his still sweating face. This is usually where I whisper cute things to him or playfully try to emasculate him about not giving me an orgasm just to get him to try again. But, I can’t bring myself to do any of those things.

“Yeah,” I try to sound just as sure as he did, but I can hear that I failed miserably. He doesn’t seem to notice, though, and I don’t expect him to. He’s too spent to really be paying attention to anything. 

“This is definitely top three, at least!” he says, a tinge of wonder in his voice as he shuffles next to me. He turns on his side and wraps his arm around my waist. I want to throw it off, escape from his embrace, but I know that it would make him ask questions that I definitely don’t want to answer; answers that I can’t and never will give him.

“Mhm,” I nod, my eyes still fixed on the ceiling. I give him a short answer, not because I don’t agree with him, but more the reasoning behind why it was so good. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

When I found out that Finn had spent the night out and hadn’t even bothered telling me, I was pretty upset. My plan was to wait until he decided to show up and then I would end up explaining to him why what he did was ridiculous and selfish. I wanted him to know that it wasn’t okay and that it’s unacceptable to me for him to practically abandon me in a place I am not familiar with at all.

I hadn’t counted on hanging out with Lexa, on spending my morning with her and having one of the best mornings that I’ve had in a long time. I hadn’t counted on the sparring session that we had that led to her landing on top of me. I hadn’t counted on how much having her there, looking at me the way she looked at me, feeling how she felt on me, smelling the way she smelled would affect my body the way it did. 

And when I left her place my intent was still to discuss my feelings, but the heat rushing through me didn’t diminish even with how cold the walk back over to Finn’s place was. So, instead I kissed him and dragged him into his room, knowing that his parents had already left for work.

He was surprised at first, but stopped caring and kissed me back, letting me lead him to wherever I wanted. He touched me and started to try to do everything he always does to get me ready for him. But I didn’t need any of that, I was more than ready. I just needed him to drive me home. 

I was on top when he started encouraging me, moving me, talking to me and I needed him to be quiet. I didn’t want to hear him, I had my own thoughts and another voice going through my head. I placed a finger over his mouth to quiet him and let the image of a brown-haired girl with green eyes appear in my mind, her lips parted, her eyelids hooded as she stared down to look at my lips. 

And that’s what pushed me over, biting my lip so I wouldn’t say the wrong name, with him following close behind.

_Fuck_. I used him.

I finally dare to look at Finn, turning my head just enough so his face comes into view to find him eyeing me with a quizzical look.

“Whatcha thinking about, Clarke?” he mumbles and I know that even though he does want to know what I’m thinking, sleep is creeping up on him. His late night coupled with his recent release is a good combination to knock him out.

I fake the best smile that I can and sit up, his arm falling off of me and onto the bed. “Just… how good it was,” I lie and push some of his hair away from his still sticky forehead. I bring my arm back down and he grazes his lips against my palm. The normal act chokes me and I try to swallow past the knot in my throat.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” I say as I point toward the bathroom. 

“Can I join you?” he asks in a low voice and shining eyes.

I shake my head at him, fake smile still in place. “I don’t think I’m ready for another round,” I chuckle wryly then push his forehead with my index finger. “Stay.”

“Fine,” he chuckles and rolls his eyes at me, but I feel those same eyes on me as I make my way to the bathroom.

I feel dirty for what I did with Finn and I know that the warm water tumbling down my body isn’t going to help with that, just like the shampoo that I lather in my hair isn’t going to wash away my thoughts. 

If only Lexa hadn’t been so kind the night before, if only she hadn’t paid attention to me the way she did. If only she hadn’t looked at me like she was about to kiss me just hours ago, if only none of that happened, I'd only be in a fight with the guy in the other room. Not beating myself up. 

My hand tightens, my knuckles turning white. She had no right to come into my life like this, no right to invade my space and my thoughts. I’m Finn’s girlfriend. Her childhood friend’s girlfriend. What was she thinking?

I turn the water off and step out of the tub, towelling myself off then blow drying my hair as the steam hovers around me. It’s so warm in here and I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay here forever, hiding from all my problems. 

When I get back to the room I find Finn out like a light, just like I thought he would be. I get dressed as quick as I can then sit at his desk. I don’t feel comfortable being by him yet, and why? How can I not feel comfortable being around my own damn boyfriend? 

Because I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s the reason that I’m feeling this way, the reason I feel so guilty. And she’s probably just fine, not realizing or caring what kind of emotional turmoil I’m in.

And that pisses me off. 

And now I’m fuming. 

And the rational part of me knows that this isn’t her fault, that the blame shouldn’t just be on her, but I’m not thinking rationally and I feel like I’m on autopilot. I’m up and as soon as I close his door behind me I head downstairs, shove my unsocked feet into my snow boots and rush outside.

The cold afternoon air hits my face and it’s then I realize that I forgot my jacket. But it doesn’t matter since I won’t be out here long enough anyway. I approach her front door and start rapping on it then wait for her to appear. I don’t wait very long before I start knocking again, louder and more anxious this time. 

I’m mid-knock when the door flies open and the woman I’ve come to curse shows up, looking just as hot as she did earlier and it takes the wind out of my sails, but only slightly. Her eyes widen and her eyebrows hike up like she didn’t expect me to be the one standing there. The look would have made me at least giggle any other day. 

“Hey, Clarke.” 

I don’t even acknowledge her words as I brush by her to get inside her house. 

“Yeah, no, I wasn’t busy. Just eating lunch, but please, come in and make yourself comfortable,” she mutters under her breath before shutting the door. She turns to face me, her eyes concentrating on me as I pace back and forth in her living room trying to get my thoughts in order.

“Clarke,” she drawls, trying to get my attention. 

“You suck, you know that?” I spit out. I had some time to think about what I was going to say, I at least had the few seconds that it took me to stomp my way over here and the amount of time I spent pacing to come up with something clever and that’s all I could come up with.

“Okay,” she states, pausing between syllables. “This has been a very pleasant encounter,” she quips. 

I get that she’s a snarky person and that that’s what drew me to her in the first place. The reason I felt so comfortable with her in such a short amount of time, but right now her attitude makes my stomach hurt and I start fidgeting with my fingers again. Pacing, fidgeting, telling her she sucks? She must be thrilled that I came over. 

“Whoa, hey,” she says as she makes her way toward me. “Clarke,” she repeats, this time standing in front of me to stop me in my tracks. She reaches out a hand to place over mine and I recoil, turning my back to her. 

“Don’t touch me!” 

My body wants to betray my words. I want her to touch me, my skin begging to feel hers, but my mind is awash with guilt that turns my stomach more and more. Like that same roller coaster ride I was on derailed. I’m in disarray and I hate her for making me feel this way. 

“Clarke,” she says, this time softly and I can hear her concern for me in the way she says my name. 

My fingers move even faster now, a little harder against each other and it’s almost like I’m _trying_ to hurt myself with the way I’m digging my fingertips into my palms. Like I’m trying to punish myself for having the thoughts that I’m having. Or hurt myself as a way of distraction. 

She steps towards me, slowly, and I can feel her presence engulf me. It overwhelms me and I don’t know whether to be angry or to cry, or to run from her. I’m a fucking mess. 

“Clarke,” she whispers and she’s so close her breath grazes the back of my neck. “Hey,” she places her right hand on my hip and tugs to try to turn me around. But I fight against it, I can’t look at her right now. I am not in the right headspace, I’m afraid of what I might do, afraid of what I might see in her eyes. 

Her grip tightens on me and she tugs again, harder this time than the last, but again I fight it. “Look at me, Clarke,” she urges, but again I refuse. Her urging becomes a command and her gentle tugs more forceful. 

She wants me to face her? I’ll give her what she wants.

I whip around catching her by surprise and startling her backward. I follow her, step for step as she backs herself up until she’s against the wall behind her. I can’t imagine what I look like to her that she retreated so quickly. 

I walk into her personal space, the closest I can be without actually touching her. The heat emanating from her body burning my own and I know what I want from her. I place my hands on the wall, one on each side, slightly above her shoulders.

For the second time in the same day I witness her breathing heavily and her eyes locked on my lips. I drift closer, the distance between us diminishing until I’m flush against her. Lexa’s hands fly to my sides, clasping onto them like they’re the only thing in the world that can keep her from falling into nothingness. 

I don’t know if it’s her or me that lets out a soft moan as I let her pull me in tighter. Frankly, I don’t quite care, the sound is out there and it permeates in my mind and fuels a growl out of Lexa. That growl makes my knees weak. 

And it blows me away how just that small sound she utters turns me on faster than anything anyone I’ve ever been with has ever done. And that’s what scares me and frustrates me. The want to scream at her and blame her again creeps up on me and I start to pull away from her. 

She overpowers me and stops me from moving too far. I don’t exactly put up much of a fight and soon I feel her hands move underneath my shirt making my legs turn to jelly. Now, even if I wanted to run away, I wouldn’t be capable. She draws small circles on my bare back and I feel my skin rising all over, my body humming with every movement her hands make. 

“Fuck, Clarke,” she sighs as she glides her fingertips up and down my sides causing me to shiver. “What are you doing to me?” 

_Fuck_. 

I was intimate with Finn no more than forty minutes ago. I shouldn’t be here and I especially shouldn’t be up against some chick I barely know. Some chick who I met because of my boyfriend. My body has no right to betray me the way it is right now, to be as turned on as it is right now. I shouldn’t want to touch or kiss or fuck this person in front of me. I shouldn’t want to, but I do. 

“What do you want from me?” 

I lift my head slightly and bring my lips close to hers. “Kiss me,” I breathe out and that’s all I need from her for now. Just a kiss. Just to see what it’s like, get it over with and hopefully it breaks this spell that she has on me. 

Green eyes darkened by lust find my own blue, our breaths the same cadence. Our mouths are so close that I can feel the heat of her tongue as she licks her lips and my mind jumps to other things that that tongue could do.

“I…” she leans her head against the wall and closes her eyes. Her hands again moving back down to my hips, though this time to do the opposite of what she did earlier and using them to push me away. “Clarke, I… ”

She doesn’t finish her thought and I don’t want her to. She’s rejecting me, she’s fucking with me! I didn’t come over here with whatever the hell this whole thing is on my mind. I came to yell at her for fucking with my emotions and dominating my thoughts. Then she puts her hands on me, she fucking pulled _me_ into her, made me want her and now she’s rejecting me?

“Fuck you, Lexa,” I whisper and start to make my way to the door before she’s even able to say anything. 

“Clarke, wait!” she says, an attempt to stop me, but I need to get out of here. “Wait,” she tries again and this time I feel her hand on my wrist. I tug, trying to loosen her grip on me, but it doesn’t work. I don’t know if it’s because she’s that much stronger than me, or because I don’t actually want her to let me go.

“We need to talk,” her voice gentler this time. I take a deep breath, trying to calm down before I let her turn my body around with one last pull. “Stay. Please.”

It’s that please that gets me to stop resisting. I turn to face her again and she lets go of my wrist, taking a couple of steps back to give me some space. I’m still furious with her and I can feel my chest rising and falling so fast. “What do you want?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing she says. Her eyes look sad and I have to look away. Those eyes will sucker me into feeling bad for her right now and I need to be mad. I need the anger because it’s an easier emotion to deal with. It’s a hell of a lot easier to deal with than the truth. 

If she hadn’t stopped us who knows what would have happened. That’s untrue, I know exactly what would have happened. I wasn’t thinking clearly the moment I decided to come over here and that stupidity was heightened when she laid her hands on me. When she touched me, when those fingertips grazed my skin, I was lost and hers. And I know that she was lost, too.

“You should be,” I counter. “I’m your best friend’s girlfriend,” it’s a reminder that I don’t think either one of us needs, but I throw it in there for good measure. I hear a sharp intake of breath from her and her feet shuffling against the floor. I look up to see what she’s doing and watch her as she heads for the couch.

“You think I don’t know that?” she questions, sitting down. She brings her hands to her face and I knew I shouldn’t have looked at her. I knew that if I saw that she was struggling with this too that I wouldn’t be able to keep putting the blame solely on her.

This whole situation is fucked up. None of this was supposed to happen. I was supposed to come and visit my boyfriend’s family, get to know him better and fall deeper in love with him. Instead, I met Lexa, whose existence I wasn’t even completely aware of, and my whole world turned upside down.

I can feel her eyes on me, watching me, wondering why I’m still standing in the same spot she left me at. I’m still torn between just walking out the door and staying here to hash this out with her. My body decides for me and I feel my legs drag me into the living room, but I avoid the couch like the plague and choose instead to stand closer to the fireplace, carefully leaning my back against the mantle to face her.

We’re silent for a minute or two, she looks just as deep in thought as I am. “You almost kissed me,” I finally say. It’s dumb, but I’m clinging to it. I’m still trying to pin the blame on her for the way things have played out, although I can already feel my determination in that fading.

“You practically begged me to,” she counters, looking at me with those eyes that keep drawing me to her. Those eyes that turn my stomach and accelerates my heartbeat. Those eyes that show me everything that she wants to do to me right now.

_Fuck_.

She needs to stop looking at me like that, but she doesn’t so I take the initiative and look away, “So what?” I shrug, my cheeks burning. “He’s your best friend,” I really want to drive that point home and get it stuck in her head. Maybe get it stuck in my head, too.

“He’s your boyfriend.”

“Oh, you’ve got an answer for everything, don’t you?” I huff. 

And for a moment I listen to what I just said and glance back at Lexa. She has that smile on her lips, that even though she’s trying to hide it, I can see it behind her fingers. Her smile turns into a giggle.

“That was such a stupid thing to say,” she says and her giggles turn into a heartier chuckle. It’s contagious and I find myself chuckling along with her. It’s nice and for a second it cuts the tension that’s hanging around us. 

“Look, Clarke,” she says, and back to business we go. 

I tense when I see her standing out of the corner of my eye. I’m afraid of how I might react if she gets too close to me again and it’s like she’s worried about the same thing. She stops abruptly in the middle of the living room and a part of me wishes she didn’t control herself. 

“I– I don’t know what you were expecting when you barged in here like you did,” I open my mouth to protest, but she puts her hand in the air to get me to let her talk. “But none of this should’ve happened. Yes, I shouldn’t have touched you the way I did.” The thought alone gives me goosebumps and I can tell it has a similar effect on her with those expressive eyes. I chastise my body for still reacting the way it does. “But you shouldn’t have told me to kiss you.”

I cross my arms over my chest again, this time more as a way to reel my thoughts and feelings in. I know that she’s right and I know that I shouldn’t be mad at her, but I need to know why it all happened. Why did she let me push her against the wall, because we both know that she let me. Why did she say the things she said, those words she murmured that made me weak as she held me so close to her.

“Didn’t you want to kiss me?” I ask and that’s not the way I want to go about it, but it’s the only way my brain could communicate it. She goes silent and I keep my gaze, searching her face for the response she’s not giving me fast enough.

She hesitates, taking a few seconds before finally giving me an answer. “Of course I did, Clarke,” she says as she lets her eyes purposefully roam over me leaving a scorching trail in their path. “Can you blame me?” she says with such raw honesty that it sends a shiver up my spine and I have to tighten my arms around me to stop myself from doing something I’ll regret. Something else I’ll regret.

“But he’s my best friend,” she sighs, disappointment in her tone. Like if maybe things were different, if she met me first...

I bring us back to what matters instead. “And my boyfriend,” I add and she nods with a sad smile.

“Maybe…” she sighs again and seems to struggle with getting her words out. Like she hates what she’s going to say next. Then she lifts her head, chin up. “I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”

I knew it was coming and it’s the logical thing to do, I know it is, but it still tugs at my heart. I have enjoyed getting to know her and my time with her has been the best part of this trip. The thought of not being able to see her anymore sucks, but I know she’s right.

“What about Finn?” I ask. “I’m sure he’s gonna want to still see you and stuff… And obviously, I’m going to be there.”

“I mean...” she shrugs. “When that happens, I can’t just tell him no. He’ll keep asking questions and, I dunno,” she shrugs again. 

I nod. “So then..?” 

She sighs. “We’ll be civil, I guess, but I don’t think we should be alone together.”

I push myself off the wall and start walking toward the door. She’s right, and we might as well start now.

“Clarke?” she asks, because I haven’t acknowledged her suggestion yet. I take a deep breath, forcing myself to agree because as much as I don’t want to, I know it’s the right thing to do.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t be friends,” I say with a sad smile. It’s all my fault. If I could have just kept my stupid self under control, if I hadn’t gotten so carried away I’m sure she would’ve been a great presence in my life. She was already starting to be.

“Yeah,” she says, her eyes watching me as I reach for the door. “Me too.” 

I sigh, looking at her one more time while she stands there in the living room, looking as small as I feel, before I turn around and leave her house.

Walking back to Finn’s feels different this time, I can’t really place it. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to stop the shiver that runs through my body. When I had walked to Lexa’s house I had been so mad and focused that the temperature had barely registered, but now that I’m leaving it I can feel the cold seeping into my bones.

Reaching Finn’s front door I turn my head one last time, looking in the direction of Lexa’s house. I don’t know if I’m imagining things when I see the curtain by the window move, but either way it doesn’t matter anymore. I gather the courage I need to open the door and head inside, this time the warmth of his home not doing much to help how cold I feel.

My feet guide me upstairs, even though it’s not really where I want to be. Part of me thinks I just need to spend time with Finn and surely things will go back to normal; the other part knows it won’t be that easy.

I walk into his room, relieved to see he’s still sleeping, the length of my absence probably gone completely unnoticed. I stand by the door, looking at him in his peaceful sleep. My heart tightens in my chest and I want to say it’s with affection, but if I’m being honest it’s mostly with guilt.

Guilt for thinking of Lexa earlier when I was on top of him. Guilt for asking Lexa to kiss me and knowing it would have gone much further if she hadn’t stopped us.

I shake my head, trying to get rid of the feeling and all the thoughts that come with it. It doesn’t matter anymore. Lexa and I already put a stop to it and now I can go back to spending time with Finn, not letting a certain brunette enter my mind at all.

I walk the few steps separating me from him and his bed. Slowly lifting the comforter, I get under the covers, scooting back until my back is pressed against his front. He sighs contentedly, wrapping an arm around me.

“You’re cold,” he mumbles into the back of my neck and I nod.

“I know. But you’ll keep me warm,” I say, closing my eyes tightly. He pulls me in closer and I try to rest. This has been an emotionally draining day.

#####

The universe must be punishing me for everything I’ve done wrong during this trip. It turns out that Finn’s family has Lexa and her cousin, Anya, over every year a couple days before Christmas for games and dinner. Well, the younger ones play games, Mr. Collins watches t.v. and Mrs. Collins prepares dinner. Tonight is that night. 

Lexa must have failed to say anything about it before I left her house yesterday. Tonight is going to be fun.

“Anya’s all Lexa’s got,” Finn had explained earlier that day when he first mentioned they would be coming over that evening. “It’s really just the two of them,” he said, unaware that I already knew this. “So, my parents started inviting them over for a Christmas dinner the year after Lexa and I became friends. They usually like to spend Christmas Eve by themselves, so we picked a day that worked for all of us.”

I hadn’t said much, just nodded and smiled while he was filling me in, too busy trying to figure out how I was going to spend an evening around Lexa after everything that had happened and hoping that Finn couldn’t tell I was struggling.

As far as he knows Lexa and I get along great, there’s no reason for me to be nervous or worried about it at all. So I put on my best smile when Finn asks me if I’m done getting ready as we hear the door opening and closing downstairs, followed by Mrs. Collins voice.

“In a minute, Finn,” I answer as I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Just like a couple of days ago when I was going to meet Finn’s other friends, I wanted to look good, better even. If I was lying to myself my reasoning is that I’m trying to make a good impression on meeting someone new. But if I wanted to be truthful it’s that I wanted to look irresistible for one specific person.

I take a deep breath to calm my rapidly beating heart as I hear Lexa’s voice filter through the house. I don’t know what it’s going to be like seeing her again and I worry that what transpired between us will be written all over our faces as soon as we’re in each other’s presence.

But Lexa, either because she has a great poker face or because she’s genuinely unfazed by what happened yesterday, has an expression that betrays nothing when Finn and I come into view. And somehow that helps calm my nerves a little, thinking that maybe this means I can put our interaction behind us.

“There they are,” Mrs. Collins announces. “I was just telling them to come in and get comfortable. I still have to finish dinner, but I’ll let you know when it’s ready,” she says, turning around and leaving us to go into the kitchen.

“Hey, Lex,” Finn says, giving her his trademark boyish grin. They fist bump and then he turns his attention to whom I guess is Lexa’s cousin. “Anya, nice seeing you,” he says, confirming my assumption.

“You too, Finn,” Anya says, nodding in his direction. If I ever thought Lexa was reserved, Anya seems to be that and then some.

“Hi, I’m Clarke,” I say from beside Finn when her eyes land on me. “Nice to meet you,” I extend my hand and she takes it, giving it a tight squeeze.

“You too,” she says and then turns her attention back to Finn. “Thanks for having us over.”

“Of course,” Finn smiles. “I’m glad you guys could make it, especially this year,” he says, placing a hand on the small of my back and I flinch before stopping myself from jumping away from his touch. We haven’t spent much time alone since yesterday afternoon and I still feel too guilty to reciprocate his affection. Having Lexa’s attention on us definitely doesn’t help the situation.

“Let’s go to the living room,” Finn says. 

We all follow him and I watch as they sit around the coffee table, Finn taking a space on the couch while Lexa and Anya sit on the armchairs across. There’s a deck of cards on the table and Finn picks it up just as I sit down next to him.

“What are we playing?” I ask, observing as he shuffles the cards. He tells me it’s a game called _‘Bullshit_ ’, but I’ve never heard of it. “How do you play?”

“You’ve never played Bullshit before?” Anya asks and she sounds surprised. I don’t know why, it’s not like it’s _Uno_. Everyone knows what _Uno_ is.

“I’m an only child,” I tell them. Mostly Lexa and Anya, because Finn already knows this. “My mom is a doctor so she wasn’t around as much, and my dad was more into educational stuff, so whenever we got together during the holidays we’d watch documentaries and eat caramel popcorn.”

Finn scoffs. “Lame, huh?” he says with a small chuckle as he starts to deal. I know he’s just trying to be funny, I can even understand how watching documentaries isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but he should know by now how much I appreciate every memory I have of the things my whole family did together.

“I think it’s sweet,” Lexa says and it’s like a punch to the gut how much she understands me when Finn doesn’t seem to get me at all. And I know it’s not that he’s an asshole, he just doesn’t think sometimes.

“Anyway, how do we play?” I ask, deciding to ignore her comment altogether. It’s better for all of us that I do.

Finn explains after dealing out the deck that we will all take turns placing some cards from our hand face down. The objective is to get rid of them and we do so by calling out the number of cards that match the rank we are on, beginning with Aces and ascending in consecutive order to Kings and then back to Aces and repeat.

“So, for example,” Finn explains, taking some cards from his hand. “If we are on the third round I need to put down threes, so I’ll look at my hand and declare I have two threes. Then I place them in the middle, face down.”

“And if I don’t believe him,” Anya chimes in, “I can call bullshit, which means he has to show his hand.” Finn flips the cards he put down then, revealing a Queen and a three. “Because he lied, he would take the discard pile.”

“If I did have two threes, though, Anya would get the discard pile instead.”

I nod. Sounds pretty straight forward.

“We’re playing with one deck,” Lexa adds then, moving forward on her seat and resting her elbows on her knees. “Which means there are no more than four cards of each number. So, for example, if I call out that I have three Jacks and you have two in your hand–”

“Then I know for sure you’re lying and I’d call bullshit,” I finish the sentence and she smiles at me.

“Exactly,” Lexa says with that same smile she had for me yesterday when she taught me how to counter attack and I still live for that smile. “See? Quick learner,” she adds. A split second goes by before realization hits her and I see her eyes widen before recovering. She shakes her head and looks to the side to compose herself. 

I look at her in surprise, thinking what she’s probably thinking too. She just alluded to our sparring session from the day before, the one that led to– 

Nope. I’m not even going to go there.

I look away from her and catch Anya giving me a curious look, but I brush it off. There’s no way she knows anything.

“I told you she was smart,” Finn says, placing a kiss on my cheek. I let him, even lean into it to push any other thoughts away from my mind.

Turns out the game is actually really fun. Finn is absolutely terrible at it and it makes me wonder why he even enjoys playing, because there’s no way he’s ever won playing against Lexa and Anya. They are both really good, although right now Anya has a slight advantage, mostly because I’ve been managing to catch Lexa every time she’s lied.

I can’t help but feel proud of myself for it, while simultaneously pushing all questions of _why_ I’m able to read her so well from my mind.

“Wow, Lexa. You seem to be losing your touch,” Anya remarks as she glances over at Lexa with the same Eyebrow of Disbelief that I’ve seen Lexa give me countless times in the past few days. Lexa waves her off and tells me to take my turn. 

I throw down two cards and before I can even say anything Lexa calls out, “Bullshit,” with that fucking smirk that’s back again. I groan and roll my eyes. Turns out she’s just as good at reading me as I am at reading her.

This sucks.

I flip over the cards, revealing a five and a ten and my shoulders deflate.

“Take the cards, Clarke,” Lexa says, leaning forward to push the discard pile towards me with her fingertips. I take it, glaring at her when I see there’s at least ten cards in it. Just when I was nearing the end of my hand.

“Geez, Lex,” Finn says. “Not even giving my girl a fighting chance!” he laughs. “If it makes you feel any better, babe, I had no clue you were lying,” he adds and I think he’s trying to be sweet, but I don’t want sweet from him right now because it makes me feel guilty again.

“I’m gonna go get more water. Anyone else need anything?” I look at Finn, then Lexa, both of whom are shaking their heads. I turn to Anya, but she’s just looking intently at me, that same eyebrow gesture she gave Lexa mere seconds ago now directed at me. I gulp and decide to leave even though she didn’t really answer.

I think that everything is going okay. I feel like both Lexa and I are doing a pretty good job acting like nothing ever happened, except for that one slip up. And I’m pretty sure Finn doesn’t notice anything different at all, but this night so far has been a bit unnerving. I’ve never let myself be put in this kind of situation before and I’m having a hard time internally dealing with it. 

“Everything okay, dear?” Mrs. Collins asks as I enter the kitchen. I nod, lifting my empty glass.

“Yeah, just need more water.”

“Help yourself,” she says, pointing at the jug that sits in the middle of the table. “Will you tell everyone dinner is ready? And ask Finn to let his dad know, please.”

“Of course,” I say with a nod, reaching for the jug and filling my glass before heading back to the living room.

“You’re so obviously lying!” I hear Anya accusing as I return to the living room.

“I’m not,” Finn says, but his laugh gives him away. I can’t help but smile at the sight, finding his childish demeanor charming. I walk over to where he’s sitting, placing my glass on the side table. He looks up at me, playful smile still on his face and I push the hair away from his eyes. “Your mom said the food’s ready and to let your dad know.”

He takes my hand in his and gives my palm a quick kiss. “Alright, I’ll be right back,” he says, putting his cards down before standing up and heading towards the stairs. Anya reaches over as soon as he’s out of sight, flipping them.

“See?” Anya says with a triumphant smile, turning to look at Lexa. “I knew he was lying.”

We both look at Lexa, waiting for a witty retort or playful reaction, but she just sits there, staring at the cards in her hand. “Yeah,” she sighs as she puts them down. “He really sucks at this game,” she says before standing up and going to the dining room.

#####

Mrs. Collin’s roast is absolutely delicious and I make sure to tell her, repeatedly.

“It’s so good,” I say between bites, probably for the fourth time.

We are all gathered around the table, halfway through dinner and I’m really enjoying the homemade food. It’s way better than any meal I’ve shared with my mom for the past two Christmases, when she’s been too busy to prepare anything for us. This beats frozen TV dinners any day.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” she replies with a smile just as I bring another piece into my mouth.

“I told you her cooking is the best,” Finn says from beside me and I smile at him. He’s such a mama's boy. I reach over to playfully pinch his cheek like his mom had done when we first arrived, just to embarrass him, and he pushes my hand away with a wide smile. We laugh, but then remember we are sitting at the table with his family, so we both chuckle and then turn our attention back to the rest of the table.

“Aw, you guys are so cute,” Anya remarks as she nudges Lexa with her elbow. “Don’t you think they’re cute?” Lexa just pushes the other woman’s elbow away.

I turn to smile at Anya, but she just turns her head to look at Lexa again, leaning over to whisper something in her ear. I see Lexa shake her head and lip the words ‘stop’ before I realize I’m staring, so I return my attention to Finn’s dad who is telling us about a time when he offered to prepare the food for Christmas and almost burned the house down.

His anecdote leads to another one and I spend the rest of dinner hearing Mr. and Mrs. Collins’ stories. I’m sure Finn, Lexa and Anya have heard them many times before, but I’m glad they are sharing them with me. At one point Mrs. Collins tells a really cute story about Finn when he was a kid and I smile at him, squeezing his knee.

He beams at me and I think that maybe there’s a chance we’ll actually be okay.

#####

“Please, let me clean up,” I offer, standing up after everyone has finished eating dessert and grabbing a couple of plates from in front of me. I’m so full from all the delicious food, but I want to show my gratitude for having me over and welcoming me the way they have.

Mrs. Collins refuses at first, but gives in after I insist a couple of times. She still helps me bring all the dishes and everything else into the kitchen, but leaves once she’s shown me where the dishwasher is.

I welcome the break, grateful for the time alone with my thoughts. Tonight has been… weird. Things with Lexa have been fine, or as fine as I think they can be. But every now and then I can feel her looking at me, or at Finn and me, and when I glance in her direction she turns away, purposefully making it so I can’t see what she’s thinking.

And Anya? Anya’s curiosity has been driving me insane. I’m afraid that she’s able to sense that something is off. And if she can sense it maybe Finn will, too. But Finn is being Finn, dorky, playful, so I really don’t think he’s paid enough attention to notice if anything is wrong.

Lost in my thoughts, I don’t hear the kitchen door open or close, so I’m startled when Lexa speaks.

“I see things with Finn are going well,” she says. I slowly put the plate I was rinsing in the dishwasher and take a deep breath before turning to look at her. She’s leaning against the wall by the door, leaving as much space between us as possible.

“Yeah,” I say. “I think so.” I don’t know what she’s doing here, we both agreed we wouldn’t be alone together and she’s not holding anything in her hands, which means the only reason why she came here was to talk to me.

“Good,” she says, but I don’t believe her. There’s no smile on her face, just silent contemplation. 

Her eyes land on me, burning me and I can’t deal with the way I feel under her gaze, so I go back to the task at hand. I turn my back to her as I grab another dish to rinse and put in the dishwasher. Lexa stays where she is, never wavering, arms crossed over her chest. It’s driving me insane.

“I thought that was the plan,” I say. She doesn’t say anything, so I continue. “Shouldn’t you be happy?” there’s a bite to my words, whether or not it’s intentional is beyond me. I don’t know how to deal with her presence, with the way she dismantles me whenever she’s around. I thought I was fine ten minutes ago when we were all sitting at the dining room table.

I thought I had successfully managed to push all improper thoughts of Lexa aside. I thought that I was getting close to Finn again, the stories and his reactions helping me move past everything I’ve been feeling for the last couple of days.

But all the progress flies out the window when Lexa is standing there, just looking at me. I hate the effect she has on me. 

“I didn’t say I wasn’t,” Lexa speaks then. 

The pile of dishes is starting to diminish quicker than I’d like, so I slow down to make sure I still have something to do, something to distract me.

“You didn’t say you were, either,” I challenge. I don’t know why I feel the need to push her buttons, I just do.

I didn’t expect her to move from her spot, so it surprises me when I hear her footsteps. She’s moving closer and I panic, turning in place, ready to ask her what she’s doing when I see the object she’s offering me.

A towel to dry the dishes. I look behind me at the kitchen sink, realizing all that’s left now is pots and pans. “Thank you,” I mumble, taking the piece of cloth from her. Our fingers brush when I do and electricity surges through my veins at the contact.

It’s scary how just the smallest of touches ignites a fire within me more than any of the more significant exchanges I’ve had with Finn today.

I wonder if she felt it, too, and I dare to glance at her face. She’s looking at me, her eyes on my chest and I feel the blush that rushes across it. Her gaze wanders upward to my neck and I feel compelled to swallow. Her eyes keep heading up, now at my ears, the tips of them turning red and she bites her bottom lip. That bottom lip I’m sure she’s just using as a poor substitute. Then finally she lands on my mouth and she licks her own lips. And it’s the second time in as many days that I think about what that tongue could do.

“Lexa…” I whisper and I don’t know whether it’s to tell her to stop looking at me the way she is or to urge her to do more than just look. 

She leans her hip against the counter and lets go of the dish towel, immediately busying that same hand by linking a finger through one of the belt loops of my jeans. “I’d be lying if I said I don’t wish things were different,” she says, so quiet I have to strain to hear her, but when the words hit my ears I feel like melting into her. 

“You can’t say stuff like that,” I say weakly. She can’t. She just can’t. She can’t tell me we can’t be alone anymore and then when I’m trying to do that set out to find me. She can’t be the one to set a rule and then immediately break it. She can’t come in here looking and smelling the way she does because I don’t know how long my resolve is going to last.

I feel a gentle pull on my pants that easily persuades me to press my bottom half against her. We both look down at her finger still linked, our foreheads almost touching, and I place my hand on hers. My thumb mindlessly petting one of her knuckles. God, she’s going to kill me.

“Are you happy, Clarke?” she asks, so close to me that her breath becomes my air.

I was before Finn and I came here. At least, I was happy enough and I’m sure that once I’m away from this whole situation, Finn and I can be just like we were before. And that’s what guides my answer. 

“Yes.”

I don’t know if i mean it. 

She drops her hand, taking a step back and I immediately miss the warmth of her body. “Okay,” she nods, staring at the tile on the floor for a beat before looking back up at me with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m happy that you’re happy. That you’re both happy.” she sounds sincere despite the sadness in her voice.

“I’m gonna–” she points toward the kitchen door instead of finishing her sentence and I nod in reply. She starts to make her way over, but stops in the middle and turns to face me again, “You look really good tonight, by the way,” she smiles. “It’s so unfair for you to look like that.” 

“Lexa…” I scold softly as I feel a blush coming on. 

Her cheeks turn a cute shade of red. “I know,” she says, dipping her head. “I’m sorry. I just needed you to know. But last thing, I promise,” she says, bowing her head to accompany her words. She gives me a small smile and a quick yet awkward wave before making her exit.

#####

Five extra minutes is all the time I give myself to stay in the kitchen after I’m done with the dishes, afraid that if I stay any longer it will be too obvious that I’m hiding from something or someone.

When I reach the living room I see everyone else has gathered around the entryway and I sigh in relief knowing Lexa and Anya are leaving. As much as I enjoyed their company tonight, if I’m supposed to ignore everything that has happened with Lexa I need her to be far, far away. Even her own house isn’t far away enough.

“Thank you for everything, Kim,” Anya tells Finn’s mom. “Dinner was delicious, as always.”

I join them just as they are sharing hugs, and I wait patiently at the side. I don’t expect Anya to hug me, and I pray Lexa doesn’t even think about it either.

“Yes, thank you,” Lexa says, smiling at the Collins. “And thank you, Clarke,” the mention of my name makes my head snap in her direction, my heart pounding. I don’t know what to expect from what she’s going to say next, “for finally joining the tradition and choosing to wear your own Ugly Sweater.”

I look down at myself, confused. I don’t remember wearing an ugly sweater, she even said I look good. This is just a regular– she snickers and I look up, glaring at her.

“Lexa,” I warn, but smile when I hear Mrs. Collins laugh.

Lexa lifts her hands up, showing her palms and I just shake my head at her. She gives me a small smile and the slightest raise of her right eyebrow and I nod, understanding her joke to be the olive branch she’s extending.

Finn takes my hand then, Lexa’s eyes traveling with the gesture. Anya elbows her, and Lexa looks up. Anya raises an eyebrow at her and Lexa just smiles, shaking her head.

“We’re out of here,” Anya waves one last time.

“Thanks again,” Lexa says, closing the door behind her as they leave.

“That was fun, huh?” Finn asks and I nod. It was, but I’m glad it’s over. I’m ready to move on.


	5. Chapter Five

An arm that feels heavier than it actually is is wrapped around my midsection as I slowly start waking up. After blinking a few times Finn’s room comes into view, the same stars I had stared at the other day looking back at me. 

As a kid, I had those same plastic things puttied onto my bedroom ceiling and at night their glow was comforting. In the day time, they were fun to peel off and pretend that I was a ninja when throwing them at my parents. They had good memories for me. After the other day, I don’t think they ever will again.

I turn my head to look at Finn, surprised when the sight of his messy hair and half-parted lips doesn’t elicit the same reaction it did less than two weeks ago. But I’m sure that that feeling will return once things go back to normal. And they should, now that Lexa and I have officially moved past that thing that happened between us. 

I try to get used to the weight of his arm again. I don’t remember it being so… heavy and constricting. The more that I focus on it, the more cumbersome it becomes second by second until I can’t take it anymore and practically throw it off of me. I glance over at him to check if that woke him, but he’s still sound asleep.

I notice it’s already 9:00 as I walk past the alarm clock and decide to grab my clothes so I can shower and get ready to start the day. I’m not sure what the plans are, but I’m hoping Finn and I will get to spend some quality time before all the Christmas craziness starts tomorrow.

During the early stages of our relationship, we would talk about places that he promised he would take me to when we visited his hometown. There was an ice skating rink that he said he loved as a kid during the holidays because of all the lights they hung up and the live bands that you could hear play while you skated. It was a thing that we both agreed we should do when we got here, I even remember him poking fun at me because it was an outdoor rink and he knew I’d freeze my ass off. But I told him as long as he kept me warm, I wouldn’t mind. We had good times, we can have them again.

He’s still fast asleep when I return to the room, fully dressed and my hair dried. I sit down on his desk chair and twirl for a moment in the seat, looking up and watching the ceiling become an almost hypnotizing swirl. Lexa pops into my head then and an unexpected chuckle escapes my lips when the thought of her sitting here and turning around to look at me like she was some sort of gangster comes to mind. 

She’s a goof, I think, shaking my head to clear the thought as well as the small smile that’s pulling at my lips. My stomach grumbles, helping to stop my reminiscing and reminding me it’s time for breakfast. I scoot the chair closer to the bed until I can reach Finn. It would be easier just to walk over, but not nearly as fun. 

I place my hand on his shoulder and shake it softly, hearing a soft grunt.

“Hey, Finn,” I start at a whisper, rocking his shoulder back and forth once more. Another grunt. “Finn,” I say, more firmly this time. He lets me pull him onto his back, his eyes blinking slowly. “It’s almost ten, can we go have breakfast?” my stomach grumbles again at the end of my question.

He blinks a couple more times, his eyes looking at me. Sitting up, he frowns. “You’re already dressed?”

“Yeah. I woke up about an hour ago.”

He finally acknowledges my previous request with a nod. He rubs his eyes, willing the sleep to go away. A yawn and a stretch later he’s out of bed, slipping on sweatpants and a hoodie before telling me he’ll meet me downstairs as he heads into the bathroom.

I’m grateful it’s late enough that his parents aren’t home, so I can just sit at the small table in the kitchen while he makes us some pancakes. He puts on one of his mom’s aprons, dancing like an idiot just to try to get me to laugh. I smile at him and think once more that we can get back to normal. 

We sit in silence for a while, my stomach grateful for the fuel, his brain still trying to wake up. It usually takes him a while, although the cup of coffee in his hand is supposed to help with that.

He uses his free hand and reaches over the table to hold onto mine. It’s a sweet gesture, one that not long ago would make the butterflies in my stomach fly freely, but today only serves to ground them, making my stomach feel heavy.

I try to push the thoughts that accompany the sudden change away, but it’s hard when his hand seems clammy and uncomfortable and I need to break free. I give it a light squeeze and let his hand go as soon as possible. I reach for my glass of water that’s in front of me, tossing him an apologetic smile at his questioning look.

It doesn’t mean anything. It’s fine. We just need to go back to how things were a week ago. I’m starting to feel another mantra coming on.

This trip has been interesting, to say the least. Meeting Lexa was unexpected, the way she made me feel– I shake my head, because it doesn’t matter anymore. This isn’t about Lexa and me, it’s about Finn and how disconnected I’ve felt from him since we arrived. That’s why I think today will be a great day to spend together and go back to what we had before we left Seattle.

“What are we doing today?” I ask him after swallowing another bite of the pancakes he prepared.

“Well, the guys wanted to hang out since we’re all going to be busy tomorrow for Christmas Eve and on Christmas, obviously.”

“Obviously,” I pointlessly add, but he smiles at me anyway.

“So, Lexa offered her house and we’re all meeting there this afternoon,” he says. He’s finally more awake, the coffee having its intended effect.

Panic flashes through me at the thought of spending more time with Lexa, but then I remember her soft smile from last night as they were leaving. I remember her light, stupid joke about my sweater and let my shoulders relax. It’ll be okay. We’ll just spend an afternoon with Finn’s friends and then maybe the evening can be just for us. 

“I was thinking,” I start.

“Did it hurt?” he interjects with that smile that made me fall for him in the first place. We can go back to what we had again.

I smack him on the shoulder and he chuckles, but I continue, “Maybe after hanging out at Lexa’s, we could go to that skating rink we talked about before coming here?”

His eyebrows raise at that. “You actually want to?”

I nod. “I think it’d be romantic,” I shoot him a smile that he returns. “And I mean, I feel like we haven’t had a lot of alone time…” I shrug. “I think I’d like to spend the night with just you. And afterward we can hit that restaurant that you really like that you complain about not having in Seattle?” 

“Yeah,” he smiles again and pokes my forehead. “It’s a date!”

I feel like we’re getting back on track. We can have what we had again. 

#####

Lexa put us in charge of bringing beverages, so Finn and I make a quick run to the store before we meet his friends at her house. I thank my lucky stars that Bellamy, Jasper and Murphy are already there by the time we get there. As much as I think being in the same room with Lexa will be okay now, I still prefer to do it surrounded by as many people as possible.

“Clarke, nice to see you,” Bellamy greets me once we come into view. He and Murphy are sitting on the living room couch and I can hear Lexa’s and who I can only assume is Jasper’s voice coming from the kitchen.

“You too,” I reply with a smile, hoping that hanging out with them will feel different this time around. That maybe since they already rehashed their stories of growing up that this time they’ll talk about something that I can actively participate in. 

We walk into the living room, Finn fist bumping his friends as a greeting. I just wave at everyone before taking a look around, my eyes landing on that same picture of Lexa and I catch myself smiling. Maybe being in her house will be slightly harder than I expected, but I know I can get through with it.

Jasper and Lexa come out of the kitchen, placing down a couple bowls of chips and a short stack of red solo cups on the table in the dining room. “You bring the drinks, Finn?” Lexa’s voice carries into the living room. “Otherwise, you can’t sit with us.” she adds as she walks in our direction. 

“It’s nice to see you too, Lex,” Finn remarks as he rolls his eyes at her, holding up the beverages that we just bought. 

Lexa nods at him before her eyes find mine and she gives me the softest smile, “Hey, Clarke.” I try my hardest not to melt in place. My mantra from earlier is hard to recite when she looks at me like that. 

“Hey,” I say and I can’t help it when my smile matches hers. There’s something to be said about being in her presence, all the nerves I feel about being around Finn’s friends almost disappearing completely. Despite all the tension surrounding us the last couple of days, she has this incredible ability to help me feel relaxed.

It’s a contradiction I don’t have the capacity to mull over.

“Alright, guys,” she says as she directs us all to where the snacks are. 

We all sit around the circular table, Lexa and I purposely sitting as far away as possible from each other. Which, isn’t very far, but at least we made the effort. 

Conversation flows easily between all of them and, thankfully for me, it’s more about general topics and a lot less about things they did when they were kids. So, it’s nice and for me, better than the night we all went to the bars and did the frozen trek from hell. Well, that trek wasn’t all bad. 

I can feel her eyes on me while Bellamy is talking about something that happened in one of his classes at the end of the semester. It’s not the first time I’ve felt her eyes on me since we all sat down ten minutes ago, but every time I’ve looked over she has managed to look away. So, this time I try to be less obvious when I turn my head in her direction.

_ Gotcha. _

Her cheeks redden and her struggle between looking away and maintaining eye contact is almost visible. She goes for the latter and my stomach is on a ride again. She’s subtle and cautious, but so unapologetic when caught. It’s incredibly attractive.

I raise an eyebrow at her with a smirk on my face and she just gives me a smile and a casual shrug to accompany it, before she turns her attention back to her friends to chime in on their conversation.

With her attention turned away from me, I take the time to look at her, really look at her. Because of everything that’s happened between us I haven’t let myself pay attention to her as much as I am right now. The fact that we’ve both agreed not to act on it gives me the opportunity to acknowledge her undeniable beauty. And she absolutely is beautiful. 

After a while of just sitting, snacking and talking, Finn pulls out a game that he brought from his parent’s house. It’s a cooperative board game this time where we all have to figure out who killed the ghost. Jasper lets it slip that if they drink and play games together it has to be co-op because one of them can’t contain their anger when they lose. And I know exactly who he’s talking about. 

Finn is a whole different person when he gets enough drinks in him. If he had played Bullshit the way he played last night, but with some alcohol, I don’t think he would have handled losing as well as he did. 

The game is fun and it helps me get to know each of them a little bit better because there’s a time in the game where we talk out what we’re going to do. And it lets me not only understand the way they think about certain things, but also brings up some funny conversations. I’m definitely enjoying this group a lot more today. 

I’m mid-smile of a stupid joke that Murphy makes about the game when I catch Lexa’s eyes on me again. It’s like the tenth time since we started playing the game and she’s not even trying to hide it anymore. I just shake my head at her, chuckling at how ridiculous our situation is. I admire her ability to put the past few days behind us and I’m grateful that despite everything, we’re still able to hang out. If I push the way my body warms up when I feel her eyes on me deep down, I can start focusing on how much I enjoy just being around her.

Finn and I are leaving in just a few days. I know when that happens everything will go back to normal and Lexa will be a memory. A really great memory, a what-if that I’ll let myself think about, but until then I can appreciate us hanging out like this. As kind of, sort of friends.

Finn’s laughter cuts through my thoughts as Jasper makes fun of him for something and I try to find his laughter as contagious as Lexa’s smile, but I can’t. I start to worry my cheek between my teeth, wondering if something as simple as a night out is all we’ll need to go back to what we had or if there’s more deeper underlying issues.

I pull out my phone to check the time, realizing it’s already eight, which means we’ve spent the last few hours playing and joking. This has been really fun, so time has gone by pretty fast. But I still want us to go out on the date night we planned and I know that the ice skating place closes at ten, so I place my hand on his knee, bringing his attention to me.

“Hey,” I say softly so only he can hear me. “Do you think we should get going soon? I can’t wait to freeze my ass off,” I chuckle, but he doesn’t reciprocate.

He seems conflicted for a second before he replies. “Actually,” and my hair stands up at that. “Murphy mentioned earlier that maybe we could all go out for drinks again?”

“You guys are drinking now.”

“Not all of us.”

“But…”

“C’mon, babe. It’s the last night we can all spend together, since we are spending Christmas Eve and Day with our families. And we fly out the next day, so,” he shrugs like it’s nothing. It makes my blood boil.

“Can we–” I pause, looking around when I notice eyes on us. It must be one of our turns to place our markers, but I really want Finn to realize how important it is for me that we spend some time alone tonight. “Do you mind if we step outside for a moment?” I ask him, not wanting to talk about it in front of his friends.

He huffs quietly. I don’t know if he meant for me to hear that, but it’s not helping. This whole situation is ridiculous, I shouldn’t have to beg my boyfriend for some time alone, yet here I am. Again. Asking for some of his time, which he’s barely willing to give me now.

“Excuse us for a second,” Finn says as he stands up. “You guys can keep playing without us.”

Lexa’s eyes follow us as we leave. I know it, I can tell because I’ve somehow developed a spidey sense when it comes to her and her searching gaze. I try not to let that fuel my anger; the fact that someone I’ve known for less than a week seems to get me and understand me more than my boyfriend of six months.

“Clarke,” Finn says as the door closes behind us and I slip on my jacket. “Let’s not make a big deal out of this, okay?” he says and I can’t believe he sounds exasperated. He has no right to be mad right now because I feel like I’ve been understanding of his time. I know we flew here to spend the Holidays with his family, so his attention would be divided. 

Then when we arrived here he sprung his friends on me and I still went with it because I know that they’re important to him. That’s why I’ve been pretty forgiving about the fact that he has been neglecting me and what I need, but this is fucking pushing it.

I cross my arms over my chest and give him a pointed look. “You don’t think I’ve already not made a big deal out of this?” I ask, tapping my foot. He furrows his brows, looking confused, because as it turns out he is still clueless about everything he’s been doing during this trip. “All I’m asking for is a night together, Finn,” I say, leaving all other issues aside. This is what I need to focus on right now. “I get that you miss your friends and I’m more than happy that you’ve been able to spend time with them, but if you don’t care to spend time with me, then what did I even come here for?”

Finn shrugs. “I don’t know, Clarke.” he sighs and by his tone I know I’m not going to like what comes out next. “Maybe because you can’t stand Abby and were desperate to join me on my trip so you’d have an excuse not to spend Christmas with her?”

The words hit me like a ton of bricks. What he’s saying isn’t entirely untrue, but that’s part of  _ my _ reason on why I wanted to come, I didn’t think it was also his. It seems like he realizes what he said, his eyes widening. He starts apologizing immediately.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and he sounds sincere, but I don’t know if I have it in me to care. “I shouldn’t have said that. That’s not why you came here. I wanted you to meet my family,” he tries reaching over to grab my hand but I take a step back, putting enough distance between us so he can’t touch me. “My friends,” he says, looking into Lexa’s house. We can see their silhouettes through the main window, all of them still gathered around the dining room table.

“That’s why I want us to go out with them tonight,” he offers as an explanation, but I don’t believe him. He doesn’t care if I go out with them, he didn’t care when I was gone the other night. He just wants to spend time with them, whether I’m there or not is irrelevant.

“All I’m asking for is one night alone,” I state. 

“And all I’m asking for is one more night with my friends,” he says, almost pleading. And I’m starting to see him for the child he behaves like. “We can spend nights alone when we go back to Seattle.”

“Finn, do you even like spending time with me?” and I know it sounds pathetic, but I have to ask.

He knits his brows together. “You know I do.”

“Then, let’s go to the ice rink,” I say as a last attempt. If there’s anything to salvage here, which I’m starting to doubt more and more with each passing second, then his answer here will tell me. 

“Clarke,” he sighs and that’s the sound of Finn’s chapter in my life closing. I don’t really need to hear anything else. “It’s just one night.”

And he’s right. It’s just one night. But it’s one that could have made a difference. 

“Fine,” I say in a defeated tone and he smiles. “If you want to spend the night with your friends, do it. But I’m not gonna go” 

He frowns at that. “C’mon, Clarke,” he takes a step closer, trying to grab my arm again, but I turn around and head into Lexa’s house before he gets the chance.

“Everything okay?” Lexa asks as soon as I walk in. I grit my teeth, but keep my cool because I shouldn’t be taking this out on anyone but Finn, and I already told him everything I needed to say.

“Yeah,” I say, faking a smile. “Finn was just saying you guys wanted to go hang out tonight.”

“Yeah,” Bellamy says, checking his watch. “We should actually get going so we can hit the bar before it gets too crowded and we can’t find a place to sit.”

Everyone around him nods and they stand up just as Finn walks back inside. He brushes past me and I flinch as he gently places a hand on my lower back.

He really doesn’t get it.

They all walk over to the living room to gather their belongings. “Ready?” Lexa asks everyone and they all nod. All of them except me. Her eyes search mine and I can read the question in her face before she asks, “You too, Clarke?”

I shake my head. “No,” I say, not even bothering to fake a smile. “Tonight’s about you guys,” I finish. 

They all look perplexed and ask if I’m sure. I just nod and walk out the door, heading back to Finn’s house.

#####

It’s funny how the brain works when you’re in the blissful stage of an early relationship. You look at everything through rose-colored glasses, like nothing the other person says or does could ever be wrong.

In contrast, it’s crazy how when the Glass Shattering effect occurs, absolutely everything they’ve done wrong comes to the forefront of your mind in a non-stop succession of events you realize would’ve clued you in if only you had been paying enough attention.

That’s how I feel right now, as I sit on Finn’s desk chair. He and his friends left long ago, not without Lexa’s trademark concerned look directed my way, the shake of my head the only thing stopping her from approaching me to ask any more questions.

I can’t bring myself to sit on his bed, too upset with him to be anywhere near it because it’s the thing that smells the most like him. Seeing it for the first time days ago had brought a smile on my face; now it’s just making me bitter.

Chastising myself, I regret having spent the last six months with someone who clearly doesn’t care enough about me. Anyone only knowing what happened tonight would think I’m mad at him for leaving me to spend time with his friends, but the truth is this isn’t the first time he has pulled something like this, it just never was quite as obvious.

While in Seattle he has done similar things, changing some of our plans at the last minute because his friends were suddenly available. He would either invite them to join us or reschedule our time together. I never thought much of it, I was okay without feeling a desperate need to hang out with each other. I have my own friends too and not hanging out with him wouldn’t be too big of a deal. Though, I do remember complaining a few times and he’d seem apologetic. 

But I never thought he would do the same thing in a different state, where leaving me behind meant leaving me alone, or worse, with his parents. Somehow I fooled myself to think he cared more than that.

I was wrong.

And I’m mad at myself for not bringing this up sooner. I should have confronted him days ago when he decided not to even let me know that he wouldn’t be coming home after a night out with his friends, but my encounter with Lexa clouded my judgement in more ways than one.

But that’s a thing of the past, I conclude as I tap my fingers on the desk. We are finished. Whatever vestige of our relationship I thought I could salvage by going on a stupid date with him tonight is completely gone after realizing his complete disregard for me.

It pains me a little, if I’m honest. Torn between the negative memories now clouding my thoughts and the little rays of sunlight my heart is clinging on to to justify six months spent with a man who clearly didn’t deserve my time.

I twirl around on the chair, trying to figure out what my next step is going to be. Our relationship is over, that much is for certain, but I don’t think I can bring myself to break up with him before we’re back in Washington. I don’t want to make things weird for his parents, who have been nothing but nice to me. I can stand to be his girlfriend for a couple more days.

It doesn’t mean he’s off the hook. I’ll still be mad and keeping my distance, but I won’t break things off with him until we are back home. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

A couple of hours or so go by and I’m still deep in thought when a white box catches my eye. It’s sitting on top of my luggage and I cover my mouth, trying to stifle a giggle.

Walking over to the closet, I grab the item I bought earlier that day when Finn and I went to the store to get stuff for the get together at Lexa’s and carry it over back to the desk. I look around Finn’s room, trying to remember where he said he left the wrapping paper and tape, until my eyes find the bag tucked between his nightstand and the wall.

I find a pair of scissors in one of the cups sitting on his desk, and I use it to cut the red, green and gold paper so I can wrap Lexa’s present. When my eyes had spotted the box while at the store this morning I knew I wanted to get it for her as a way to reciprocate for that stupid joke about ugly sweaters.

Tongue sticking out, I focus on every crease and fold of the paper to make sure it looks immaculate by the time I’m done. It doesn’t come out as perfect as I would like, but it’s all wrapped up and ready to go. I turn around, ready to walk back to leave the gift on my luggage until I can find the time to give it to her when a light turning on outside catches my eye.

I walk closer to the window, peering through the curtains and I see Lexa standing by her front door. The motion-sensor lights that hang outside of her porch must have activated when she made the walk from her car to her house.

Taking a deep breath, I brace myself for Finn’s imminent arrival. If Lexa’s home, I assume it means they are all done hanging out and Finn will probably walk in and up the stairs any minute now. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with him when he walks in.

To my surprise, or maybe at this point not really, there’s no sign of him even five minutes after Lexa’s return. I sit back down, letting this be the last piece of confirmation I needed to be sure ending things with him is the right thing to do.

I’m still holding on to Lexa’s almost-neatly packed present, so I go back to my initial thought of returning it back to my luggage when I notice her jacket, the one she lent me when she brought me back home a few nights ago, is still hanging on the back of Finn’s door. That’s when it occurs to me that right now would be the perfect time to return it, and deliver my little present.

The thought of seeing her cheers me up, especially when I imagine the look on her face when she realizes what’s in the box. I walk over to the door, grabbing the jacket before I open it. I make sure to be quiet as I head down the stairs, trying my hardest not to alert Finn’s parents of my exit.

I slip on my coat and boots before I head over to Lexa’s. I’m in front of her door in no time, her jacket in one hand, present in the other. I sling the jacket over my shoulder so I can have a free hand, hesitating for a second. Should I even be here? We had a no-alone rule in place, but we’ve managed to be friendly today, so maybe a visit isn’t off limits.

I knock before I can actually find an answer to that question, my body betraying me, my heart racing. What if this was a bad idea? What if Lexa’s upset to see me? I almost turn around, my foot lifting off the ground to push myself off in the opposite direction, but the door opens just then.

Lexa’s standing on the other side, eyebrows furrowed, probably wondering who’s knocking on her door past eleven o’clock at night.

_ Hi, it’s me _ , I want to say, but that much is obvious, so instead I stand there and smile at her like an idiot.

“Clarke?” Lexa asks, the same confusion that’s written on her face now lacing her words. “What are you doing here?”

The question makes me freak out. She’s right. What am I doing here? I search my mind for an answer, but the more she’s looking at me the harder it is to think up an excuse. But I don’t need an excuse, my reason for being here is legitimate. I think.

“I’m here to return your jacket,” I say, grabbing the object off my shoulder and extending it in her direction. “I wasn’t sure if I was going to see you tomorrow or on Christmas Day, and I didn’t want you to be without it for the rest of winter.”

She looks down at the jacket and then back at me, a smile playing at her lips. Eyebrow of Disbelief back in place. “As long as you didn’t take it with you, I could’ve gotten it at some point,” she offers and, well, I guess I never thought of that.

“Right,” I blush, feeling a little bit foolish. Is it that obvious that maybe I was just looking for an excuse to hang out with her again?

Apparently.

Before I can say anything she takes the jacket from my hand. “But thank you, anyway,” her eyebrow still in place and that same fucking smirk. “For returning it,” she finishes and I nod.

“Thank you for lending it to me,” I say, wondering if I sound as lame as I feel. Now that the jacket is off my hands, I feel the weight of the other object I’m holding. 

“Oh!” I lift the gift I brought up for her to see. “I also got you this,” I say, trying to be very careful not to shake it so I won’t give away its content.

Her eyes follow my hand until they focus on the present, her head tilting. She smiles. “You got me something?”

“Nothing special,” I shrug. “I wouldn’t get my hopes up. But, yeah.”

She looks between the gift and me a couple of times and I wonder if she’s just going to tell me to go home, that I shouldn’t be here freezing my ass off at her door. But after a couple of seconds she sighs, taking a step back. “Would you like to come in?” she asks. And if I hadn’t gotten so good at reading her I would think her hesitation meant she didn’t want me to join her, but I know it’s actually the opposite.

“If that’s okay,” I say, giving her a shy smile.

“Of course, come on.”

I step inside, taking my boots and jacket off by the entrance, my sock-covered feet padding against the wooden floor as I follow her into the living room.

“We have to be quiet,” Lexa says. I don’t know why we wouldn’t be, but the implication makes my cheeks burn. I shake my head, knowing that’s not what she meant at all. I’ve got to get a hold of myself. “Anya’s already gone to bed and she gets cranky if anything wakes her up.”

I nod, sitting down on one end of the couch, while Lexa occupies the space on the opposite side.

“How’d you know I was home, anyway?” Lexa asks and it’s yet another question that catches me off guard. 

“Hm?” I pretend not to hear the question. Trying to buy myself some time to come up with an excuse.

“You heard me.” she smirks again.

“What was that?” I’m coming up blank.

She shakes her head, “So, you’re a stalker now? There’s so many things I don’t know about you.” she jokes. Or, I hope she’s joking. 

I change the subject. “Here,” I hand her the gift cautiously, enjoying the way her eyes light up when it’s finally in her hands.

“What is it?” she asks curiously.

I furrow my eyebrows at her. “I’m not gonna tell you, silly. You have to figure it out by yourself.”

She nods, examining it. “Right.” First she lifts it up and down, trying to gauge if it’s light or heavy. Then she runs her fingers over it, maybe trying to figure out what it could be based on its shape and size. Then, she moves it left and right, but slowly. Slow enough that what’s in it slides side to side without making much noise, but she must pick up on something. 

She lifts it up, high enough that she’s holding it right by her ear. Her eyes find mine, and they are shining bright. Like maybe, maybe she’s already figured it out.

“Did you really–” she starts, not finishing her question as she violently shakes the box, something rattling inside. She lets out a hearty laugh and I swear my heart skips a beat at the sound. Just when I think this girl can’t be any more beautiful she goes ahead and looks at me with the brightest smile I’ve ever seen.

How dare she.

“I can’t believe you,” she says between chuckles. She brings the present down to her lap, expert fingers turning it over to find where the paper is being held together by tape, sliding them under it until she’s able to unstick it.

My eyes track her every move, and if I get distracted for a second just watching long, slender fingers moving around and under the folds I don’t spend too much time thinking about it. Soon enough she’s finished opening the present and her laughter becomes louder when her suspicions are confirmed.

“Shh,” I chuckle with my pointer over my lips and she nods.

“Clarke,” she whispers, shaking her head. “You got me fucking beans.”

“Uh uh,” I shake a finger at her. “ _ Jelly _ beans,” I clarify.

She sits there, staring at the now exposed box in her hands. She shakes her head one more time and I’m mesmerized by waves of brown hair bouncing side to side. This is the first time I’ve seen her hair loose like this, but I decide I like it.

I think I like her hair no matter how she’s wearing it.

“You’re ridiculous,” she says, but she’s smiling at me so I don’t care. “I should’ve listened to myself when I said not to ever accept a gift from you,” her smile slowly disappears and I wonder what I did wrong. Before I can ask, she speaks, “I thought we weren’t supposed to be alone,” she mutters, avoiding my gaze.

I search my brain for an appropriate answer. I don’t know why I came over. Well, not the real reason. I came over bearing a lent jacket and a funny gift, but I know there’s more to it than that.

I don’t have to think about it for too long to realize the truth is I wanted to see her, hang out with her maybe one last time before Christmas takes over and we’re both too busy. Before Finn and I are packing our bags and leaving for good. After this trip is over so will my relationship with Finn, which means I’ll never get a chance to see her again.

Because even though I’ve already made up my mind about breaking up with Finn, I don’t expect that to change anything between Lexa and me. I will still have been her best friend’s girlfriend and there’s no scenario where that wouldn’t be a deterrent.

On my part, no matter how done I am with him, I don’t know how I would feel about the whole situation. And I wouldn’t want to put Lexa in that position anyway.

That all actually hurts to think about so, I focus on the conversation at hand.

“We’re not alone. Anya’s here,” I say and I know I’m grasping at straws here.

She gives me a pitiful smile. “You didn’t know that when you knocked.”

“I mean,” I shrug, sticking to my original answer. “It’s late, I figured she was home, too.”

Eyebrow of Disbelief comes to visit me again. I look away, sighing.

“Okay, truthfully?” I blush, not daring to look at her.

“Please,” she says from beside me. I feel her shuffle and wonder if she’s scooting closer, but it seems she was just straightening up and facing me fully.

I continue to avoid looking at her. “I... I like hanging out with you,” I admit. My hands start fidgeting, and I feel slightly embarrassed by my confession. “And I’m leaving in a couple of days.” I shrug. “And I know you and Anya spend Christmas together, so I figured…” I trail off. The rest is pretty self-explanatory, I don’t feel the need to say it.

Lexa takes her time speaking and it’s a little unnerving. Maybe I should just go. I place my hands on my knees, ready to push myself up and off the couch, but Lexa speaks before I do.

“I like hanging out with you, too,” she says. I dare to look at her then and her eyes meet mine, a small smile playing at her lips. “I’m glad we were able to put–” she doesn’t say the words, just gesticulates at the air, but I know what she’s saying. “I’m glad it’s behind us, because you’re fun and you make me laugh.”

Just sitting here with her feels nice. There’s still a little bit of tension, sure. My eyes may accidentally stay on her lips a couple of seconds longer than normal. My hands may twitch when I think about what it would feel like running my fingers through her hair. My breath may catch in my throat when she looks at me a certain way. But all that aside, just being in her presence is  _ good _ . And I like it.

“Happy to provide you entertainment,” I joke and she smiles. “I’m glad I met you, Lexa,” I say and I’m being completely sincere. I hope she knows that.

Maybe it was messy and maybe the circumstances could have been better, or different, but if this was the only way it could have happened I’m glad it did. Maybe months from now I can find her online, shoot her a text, and maybe we can just talk. Maybe she can tell me about her day, gush about some new tournament she kicked ass at. Maybe I can share a picture of one of my drawings, asking her what she thinks.

Maybe we can be friends and not just two people who shared a week leading up to Christmas that one time.

Who knows. Only time will tell.

I notice her hands have gone back to the box of jelly beans and I wonder what she’s thinking. Is she glad she met me or does she think I just came into her life to make things complicated? Maybe for her it’s not worth it.

“Despite your horrible gift giving skills, I’m glad I met you too,” she says finally and I smack her arm at her ungratefulness.

“I dare you to receive a better present this Christmas.”

“That gift you picked up the other day,” she says, motioning at the wrapped box under the tree, the one Anya got for her, “could be a box of tissues and it would be better than your jelly beans.”

I gasp, even though I know she’s joking by the way her eyes are shining. But she can’t just be an ungrateful butt and get away with it. “Oh, yeah? Then give me my beans back,” I giggle, reaching over to try and grab them, but she’s too quick, grabbing the box and putting it a safe distance away from me.

“No,” she almost growls. “These are  _ my _ jelly beans,” she sounds so protective of them and it’s adorable.

I hum. “Hm. That’s what I thought,” I say, smiling at her.

“Whatever. Just because I’m a sucker for sentiment doesn’t mean your gift isn’t horrible still.”

My eyes widen at her cheekiness and I stand up. “That’s it!” I stomp playfully over to her and she lets out the same kind of squeak she did when I ‘won’ her at the thumb war we had. It’s a cute noise, but it’s not going to save her jelly beans. Since she’s still sitting down I have a slight advantage. I can reach no matter where she puts the present, so when she holds it over her head, as far back as she can I lunge for it. 

She’s too quick for me, though, with her stupid martial arts training or something, because she’s able to move the box to the side before I’m able to acquire it. And when I jump for it that way, she tosses it to her left hand, the box rattling its presence, making me need to follow it to the other side. She laughs at me each time I miss and it’s the saddest game of keep away that I need to win by any means necessary. 

I climb on top of her and instead of going for the jelly beans, I go for her arm. My hands grabbing on and trying to pull it closer to me. She’s strong and even when I’m using two hands she’s still able to resist my insistent tugs. 

“Clarke, no!” she playfully scolds me like I’m a dog and that just spurs me on more. She puts her hands and the box behind her lower back, keeping it between her body and the couch. I wrap my arms around her trying to reach for it, thinking that I’m about to win. My fingers brush the object briefly before I feel her grab my hands with both of hers.

My struggle is real and sad and I honestly had no idea she was so fucking strong. She’s able to easily put my hands behind my back and what’s more pathetic is that she’s able to hold them both there using only one hand. She uses the other to flaunt the jelly beans in front of my face. 

“You’re terrible at this,” she giggles as she shakes the box.

“Whatever, I let you win because they’re your amazing, most incredible gift that anyone has ever gotten you.” I lie and of course she doesn’t believe it. “Now let me go, nerd,” I giggle as I try to squirm out of her hands.

It’s suddenly quiet and I can sense the shift in the mood. Her laughter replaced by unsteady breaths that kiss my neck. And I think for the first time of what I’m doing and what position I’m in, where I am in correlation to her. My knees are on each side of her thighs and with my hands pulled behind my back my chest is pushed forward.

I look down at her to see her gazing back up at me with dark eyes. So fucking dark and I swear I could get lost in them if I let my guard down even for a split second. And for a moment, we sit unmoving, the air becoming heavy around us. My heart beating like a drumline is the only thing I can hear. 

_ Shit. _

I move my leg slightly and the sound of the rattling box we had been fighting over pulls us both out of whatever trance like state we are in. She pulls back, her hands letting go of mine and I jump off her lap like she’s suddenly on fire. 

“Shit, sorry,” I mumble, looking down at my feet. “I didn’t mean, I mean, I... I’m sorry,” I blush, embarrassed. I don’t want her to think this is what I had in mind when I came over. It wasn’t. I truly just wanted to see her one more time. 

I’ve just barely made the decision to break up with Finn. And not because of Lexa, but because of everything else I’ve been going over in my head all evening. Because our relationship isn’t going anywhere, because he’s not what I want. But Lexa doesn’t know any of this and–

“Hey, it’s cool,” Lexa interrupts my thoughts, standing up.

“But, I am sorry,” I can’t stop apologizing.

“Hey, it’s fine. We’re good,” she offers a small smile. 

I start to calm down at her words. “I should get going,” I say and she nods.

“I should go to bed, anyway,” she says attempting to yawn to really sell it and I appreciate the excuse. “But, Clarke, it was nothing,” and whether she’s telling that to herself or me, it’s still good to hear.

I nod. She’s right, it was nothing. We are still cool and friends or acquaintances or whatever the hell you want to call it.

“Cool,” I stand for a moment, blinking. Forgetting what I should be doing. My eyes land on her, her hair a bit messy from our play fighting and the thought of her hair being messed up for different reasons flash through my mind. My hands ache to touch her, to grab onto some of that hair to pull her closer. 

“Stop looking at me like that, Clarke.” she says in a low voice.

“Right, sorry.” I look away, toward the door and remember what I was going to do. “I’m going.”

“Yup,” she says with a smile. “And I’m going to bed,” she adds quickly before her eyes widen. “Like, by myself,” she blushes.

“Of course, duh,” I say, nodding quickly, blushing just like she is. “I’m going,” I say one more time and maybe third times the charm. I will my legs to move and when they finally do I walk straight for the door, forgetting some important things.

“Clarke?” Lexa points at my jacket and shoes.

“Oh,” I chuckle. “Right, of course.” It’s a bit awkward while I stand by the door putting my boots on. Once they’re firmly in place I put my jacket on and pull the door open, surprised when Lexa walks over.

Holding onto the now opened door, she gives me a warm smile and I don’t want to leave. “Good night, Clarke,” she says and the thought of not seeing her again overwhelms me one more time.

I hesitate then, standing under the doorway, my eyes on her. She knits her eyebrows together, probably due to the scrutiny of my gaze.

Considering my options I take a deep breath, finding the courage to make my next move before I can change my mind. I know I will regret it if I don’t.

Taking a step forward, my eyes never leaving Lexa’s face just in case there’s a sign of discomfort, I step into her personal space and wrap my arms around her waist, giving her a tight hug. 

I try to ignore her sharp intake of breath and my rapidly beating heart as I tilt my head slightly upward, placing a quick kiss against Lexa’s cheek. Her skin is soft and my lips feel like they’re on fire, but in a good way. I drop back to the ball of my feet, resting my head on her shoulder for a moment. I squeeze one last time before I take a step back.

She’s standing there, seemingly too stunned to move, still holding her breath, her eyes blinking the only sign that’s she’s alive.

I smile. “Take care,” I say with a wave. She returns the gesture and it’s enough for me to take another step back. “And Merry Christmas,” I add before turning around.

“Merry Christmas,” she squeaks out.

I don’t know how long she stands there by the door as I make my way back to Finn’s house, but by the time I reach the front door she’s gone.


	6. Chapter Six

Christmas Eve has been tentative at best and straight up uncomfortable at worst. It’s been one of the longest days I’ve ever experienced. With essentially both my feet out of this relationship coupled with Finn not really giving a shit about me and pulling the same stunt he had when he went out with his friends last time, having to spend the day with him and his family was hell. I think hell is putting it mildly. 

The worst part was when I was having breakfast with his parents. It wasn’t being alone with them that was the problem. It’s been almost a week and I’ve spent what I think is an adequate amount of time with them that small talk isn’t too terrible anymore. It was when my soon to be ex-boyfriend wandered in while we were eating and Mrs. Collins threw me an apologetic look. Like, even she knew that her son was an idiot for leaving me alone yet again. 

He didn’t eat with us, explaining that he had gotten some coffee on his way over, and went straight upstairs. The sad part was that I didn’t follow him, I think he expected me to, but the thought of being alone with his parents was a more appealing offer. They at least had the decency to pretend they wanted to be around me.

Finn didn’t make it back down until a couple of hours later. In the time that he was gone, Kim had asked me if I wanted to make cookies with her and I agreed because why not? My mom and I never really did much together, so it was a different experience for me. Not wholly unpleasant, but it’s not something that I see myself wanting to do again. 

When Finn saw that we had made cookies without him he threw a bit of a fit, complaining that he’s usually there to help. He’s such a mama’s boy, emphasis on the word boy, and I wondered, not for the first time today, what it was that I ever found attractive about him to begin with. 

Where yesterday had been a day to conjure up reasons that we could still work as a couple, today seemed to be the day that pointed out all of the reasons that we shouldn’t. And they were all surface level.

He seemed to understand that I wasn’t happy with him, but he still tried to joke around with me. Whether it was because he thought that that would win me over or just because that’s how he handles every situation didn’t really matter to me. It was all annoying. 

I had a different mantra today, “Just two more days.”

I let out a sigh of relief now that it’s time to go to bed, but roll my eyes when I realize that that means that I have to sleep in the same bed with him. I wonder if he’d think something was up if I request to sleep in the guest bedroom without him. 

I’m putting on my sleeping shirt when I feel him coming toward me and before he can reach out to touch me, I move away. I’ve been avoiding his touch all day whenever possible. This time he lets out a sigh. 

“Clarke, let’s talk,” he says as he follows me to the bed, his hand behind his back. 

“Honestly, Finn, I don’t want to.” I wave my hand at him to brush him off as I get under the covers. 

“Come on, babe.” he pleads with those eyes that used to get me listen to him, but now doesn’t affect me at all. 

He sits at the foot of the bed, his hand falling onto my calf and the warmth of it annoys me. I want to kick it off so bad. 

His shoulders deflate when I give him no response, I barely even look at him. “Look, I’m sorry that I wanted to hang out with my friends.”

What the hell kind of an apology is that? Now I do kick my leg, not at him, just to shake him off of me. Just two more days. 

“I want to make it up to you.” he hands whatever he was holding behind his back. It’s a gift wrapped, small, rectangular box. I don’t want it, but he shoves it in my direction. “Here.”

“Finn,” I start, but he interjects.

“Just, at least open it.” he’s pleading again and I roll my eyes, but eventually accept it. 

I sit up, my feet still under the covers, and tear into the wrapping. Not because I can’t wait to see what’s inside, like I do with most gifts that I receive, but because I want to get this whole thing over with. 

His eyes are on me expectantly, trying to gauge my reaction as I lift the lid of the flat box. In it is a key and a keychain that he must have bought here if the beehive is any indication. Is this something cheesy, like a key to his heart or something? I must have a curious look on my face because he starts talking. 

“I had this made before we left Seattle, and I was going to give it to you tomorrow, but…” he trails off and I know what he’s thinking. He gave it to me now so I’d stop giving him the cold shoulder. 

But it only serves to upset me more. This is a situation where it’s do what you want because asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission, but in gift form. I drop my head as I realize what this key is for. 

“What the hell, Finn?” I mutter and it’s clearly not the response he thought he’d get. 

“What the hell, what, Clarke?” 

At some point before this trip, when I thought that everything was going great, I had thought about how neat it would be to wake up with him every morning. And we discussed it out loud together multiple times, just pillow talk, and we both seemed to be on the same page about it. 

But then, weeks went by and there was no gesture on either of our parts, I just assumed that we’d wait for the right time. 

This is definitely not the right time.

I place the box on the nightstand next to me, staring at it for longer than necessary just so that I had something to look at. I run my right hand through my hair and let out a big sigh, my hand running over my mouth as I lean against the headboard. Just two more days. 

“What is this?” I ask as I point at the key that’s just sitting there, mocking me.

He looks at me, squinting, like he’s trying to read my mind. But if he could we wouldn’t be in this whole situation to begin with.

“It’s a key, Clarke.” he answers and I look at him, waiting to see if he’s being his normal self and trying to make a joke to get me to smile at him or something. But the more I stare at him, the more I realize that that was an honest answer. 

Just two more days.

I take a deep breath before letting out another sigh. “For what?” I ask, a harshness to my voice this time. I know what the key is for, but I want him to say it so that he really thinks about why it is that he’s giving it to me right now.

“My apartment. I want you to move in with me.” he says with a hopeful smile.

I run my hand over my whole face now, this time slowly and I know he’s not the greatest at reading me, but he definitely knows that my reaction is not a good one. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Finn,” I start and I don’t even know what to say. I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to keep my thoughts in check, that I can’t unload everything right now, that I just need to wait for two more days. “Why now?”

“Well, I mean, I was thinking about what you said about like, spending time together and stuff.”

And stuff. I guess he’ll just gloss over everything else.

“And after last night, I thought that I’d show you that I do like spending time with you. So much so that I want to live with you.” 

I can feel myself heating up, my eye about to twitch, but I take a breath to try and calm myself. I don’t want to answer while I’m upset, I know that if I do I’ll say something that I’ll probably end up regretting. “If that’s what you wanted to show me, you would have gone to the ice rink with me.”

He sighs at me this time and I don’t think any amount of deep breathing is going to put a stop to my rising anger when I hear that. “How many times do I have to apologize for the same thing?” 

I’m not sure how much longer my mantra is going to help keep my thoughts internal. “Finn, I’m going to ask you to stop talking now.”

His eyes light up and it seems that his level of exasperation is catching up to mine. “No, I want to know how long you’re going to use that against me.” 

I can’t believe that this is an actual conversation we’re having. I also can’t believe that he’s the one getting upset with me because my feelings were hurt. “You’re such an asshole.” is all I can think of to say. I guess I need to breathe some more. 

Just two more days? I don’t know if I’m going to make it. 

He stands up and points to his chest, “I’m the asshole? I’m not the one who turned my nice gesture,” he points to the key still in its box. “Into another fight. The _same_ fight.”

I remember watching a true crime series a while back that focused on women who killed and what their reasons were. Most of their motives were cheating spouses or they themselves were cheating on their spouses and couldn’t leave them, for others it was for money, stuff like that. But there were some that I had thought seemed petty, like they just didn’t like how they were spoken to over the years of their relationships. I’m starting to sympathize with those women. 

It’s my turn to stand now and I start to pace like if I walk back and forth enough times it’ll burn up some of this seething rage that’s on the cusp of erupting out of me. I’m moving so much that I’m afraid I’m going to break the floorboards with all the friction I’m causing. 

“I need to get out of here.” I say as I head to the door. I need to separate myself from him or I’m not going to be able to make it two days. 

He blocks the door, “Why? So that we can have this same argument when you get back?”

I cross my arms over my chest and drop my head back to gather myself. But looking up at the ceiling, seeing those same fucking stars, it reminds me of the time he stayed out before, among other things. And that seems to be the trigger. Screw two days. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Can’t do what?” his tone mimicking mine.

“This, Finn!” I throw my arms up. “Us. Do you think that this is working?” I gesture between the two of us. 

“Are you seriously trying to say you want us to break up?” he groans like I’m being unreasonable. I am _really_ starting to understand those women. “Just because I wanted to hang out with my friends?”

I can’t believe that I never realized how fucking stupid he was until now. “Oh my god!” I stare at him for a moment, his eyes blazing into mine. “You’re fucking with me, right? Like, this is some stupid joke that I don’t understand?” 

I realize that I’m getting to the point of no return when I drop an f-bomb on him. When we would play around or playfully argue, I drop them freely because it has a different meaning. When it’s in an argument I know that I’m nearing a melt down. 

“Well,” he shrugs. “What the fuck else could it be?”

Oh.My.God.

“Jesus Christ, Finn,” I don’t know what I’m going to say. That’s not good. “This isn’t the only time, this trip, that you fucked off without me!”

His forehead crinkles, but his look of confusion is overshadowed by one of anger. “You sure didn’t act like it bothered you. Are you just bringing that up to try to prove a point or something?” 

He’s not wrong about that. I can see why from his perspective that maybe him leaving all night wasn’t a big deal, since I stupidly took him to bed when he arrived. But, we’re arguing about him leaving again last night, can he not put two and two together?

“How could you not realize, on your own, that what you did that night was fucked up, too. I shouldn’t have to tell you.”

“Okay, well,” He crosses his arms over his chest. “What do you want me to do about it now?” 

He’s not even sorry. Worse, he’s not even listening. I don’t know why I’m even arguing about this. I’m done. I’m so done. 

“Nothing,” I sigh. “I don’t want you to do anything.” I look at him, no longer seeing the guy that I used to love or the guy that I might think about from time to time after our break up. I just see a guy. “And I don’t want anything from you. Finn… I’m done.”

In our anger, our chests puffed up, our shoulders were high. But with the last two words I see all that posture drain out of him. He doesn’t push back like he did earlier, seemingly understanding that I mean it this time. 

“Where did this all come from, Clarke?”

I pause for a moment. If I think back throughout our entire relationship I can see all the times that he behaved just like he has on this trip. Switching plans up on me, choosing time with his friends over time with me. I never realized what that meant until now, until his disregard for anyone but himself put me in a situation he knew would make me uncomfortable, like leaving me with his parents or making me go home with someone I barely knew. The same someone that–

“Someone showed me that I want to be more than an afterthought.” I say with a shrug.

His eyes snap to look at me, “So that’s it, huh? You’re dumping me for another guy.” he says like that must be the only possible reason that I want to end things. Not because of the things that I’ve brought up tonight. 

“No. And if you think that’s the reason, then you haven’t been paying attention.”

He sits down on the bed, elbows to his knees, hands in his hair. I’ve seen this same position before and I know what’s coming. There were a few times before that I’ve seen him do this. One of which was the time after his drunken tirade toward a cab driver. 

“I’ll be better, Clarke.” he says through the now quiet room. 

“I…” I pause for a moment, I don’t know what to say to that without coming off harsh. “I don’t want to wait for you to be better, Finn.” That’s as nice as I could think to put it. 

“You don’t have to wait, I’ll change now, I swear!” 

“I don’t want to change you.” I sigh. Hearing him say those words are something that maybe, _maybe_ if he said yesterday would have made a difference, but the glass has already shattered. “I just think you need to find someone who is okay with the way you do things.” I pause then shrug. “I’m not her.”

He sighs one more time before looking at me, imploring eyes that used to win me over every time we used to bicker about little things. But this isn’t a little thing. This is his last ditch effort, I can feel it. “But, I love you.” 

Words that used to make me feel like soaring now ground me in the reality that my feelings have changed for him. And it’s the first time I actually feel like crying about the loss of our relationship. It wasn’t perfect, but we did have good times. And at one point, I did think that I was in love with him. 

“I…” I open my mouth, the automatic response used to be to say it back, but I know I can’t. 

He hears the hesitation in my voice and I feel like he understands the finality of it. 

“So… what now?” 

I cross my arms and shrug. “I don’t know.” I look at the ground, suddenly finding the carpet very interesting. “I don’t think I’ll be able to get an earlier flight out.”

“Right…” he sighs and looks at me, his eyes welling up. 

“Do you think we can be okay around each other until then?”

He nods and stands, “Yeah,” he sniffles. “I think so.” he starts to walk toward the door.

“Where are you going?” 

He sighs, but doesn’t turn to talk to me. “I’m going to fix up the guest room for you.” 

#####

“Anya stopped by earlier to drop off a couple gifts.” Mrs. Collins says as I’m walking past the three of them eating breakfast on my way to the kitchen. She doesn’t greet me with the same energy that she has greeted me with all the other days that I’ve been here. No offer of breakfast or coffee. Finn must have already told them what happened or they just put two and two together when they saw that I was sleeping in the guest room instead of with their son.

This is going to be a more awkward day than yesterday. 

“Oh?” I ask, wondering why she’s telling me this. 

“Yep, yours is on the coffee table in the living room.” she explains while taking a sip from her coffee. 

I glance over at Finn, pushing his food around on his plate. This breakup must be taking its toll, he’s not one to let perfectly good food go to waste. He looks up for a moment and I can tell that he’s cried, at least a little bit, within the last half hour or so. That’s probably another tip off to his parents about what happened last night. 

I also can’t imagine that the entire exchange Finn and I had had was quiet, either. 

I continue to the kitchen because even though everything is weird and uncomfortable, I’d still like to at least have something to drink, water or coffee. Maybe all the alcohol ever to make this day more bearable? Thankfully, there is some coffee left in the pot and I help myself to some even though it wasn’t offered to me. 

I take my cup and walk out past the table of awkwardness to the living room where my gift is. Placing my mug down on a provided coaster I grab the present and take a seat. I glance over to the tree to see that they had already opened their own gifts if the empty space is any indication. This Christmas is starting to get even more awkward than the one I had last year with my mom and that is saying something.

I find a tiny note taped down to the gift with the adhesive from the bow: 

_“It’s not beans, don’t try to shake it.” -L_

The words make me involuntarily smile. I’m not one to take the wrapping paper off meticulously, like Lexa does and I’m not about to start now. I rip it off as quickly as I can to expose the box underneath. Inside is a notebook, pen and microfiber cloth. I get the pen, but the cloth? 

There’s also a pamphlet explaining that the notebook is reusable. You can draw something or write something on a page and then upload whatever you did to have it stored in one place then erase it with the cloth and use the same page. That’s not something that I knew existed. 

I open it up and find something already written on the first page: 

_“It’ll never be as good as the first notebook you were given, but I thought you might like it so you can keep all your sketches in one place.” -L._

I smile at the words and start to feel a tear forming in my eye. “She remembered.” I whisper to no one in particular.

“What the fuck?” I hear growled out from behind me and it’s only then that I realize Finn is not only here, but reading over my shoulder. 

“What the hell, Finn?” I say, flinching from the surprising sound of his voice.

“Fucking bitch,” he mutters as he storms out of the house without putting on any extra layers or even shoes. 

I try to follow as fast as I can, but I can’t run out barefooted, so it takes me an extra few seconds to slip on my boots. By the time I’m outside, he’s banging on Lexa’s door, screaming for her to open it and I run over to him, calling him as I do so.

“Finn, what are you doing?” I ask as I make it to the porch and touch him on his bicep. He brushes my hand off and keeps banging on the door. 

Anya appears as she opens the door and before she can say anything, Finn rushes past her. 

“What the hell, Finn?” Anya says

“Where is she?” he stomps around like a mad man. “Lexa!” he calls even louder and angrier than anything else he’s said today. 

Lexa comes into the living room, quizzical look on her face. “Merry Christmas to you too, bro.” she sure gets quippy when people storm in on her. It’s the same tone she used on me when I barged in on her a few days ago. 

“How could you do this to me?” 

“What are you talking about?” Lexa asks, perplexed.

“How many times have you two fucked?” he spits out and my mouth drops open. I glance over to Lexa, the only thing to give away what’s going through her head is a quick jump of her eyebrows. 

“Whoa, Finn, come on, man.” Anya says.

“Stay out of this, Anya!” he screams at her. He’s obviously not thinking clearly, otherwise I don’t think he’d dare say that to her. Anya starts to advance on him before Lexa stops her with a hand to Anya’s right shoulder. 

Anya scrunches her eyebrows together, looking between Lexa and Finn before sighing. “Whatever the hell is going on with you two, fix it.” she says before rolling her eyes and walking away. 

“You should go with her, Clarke.” Lexa says. 

“No, fuck that! Stay and answer me!” he booms as he paces her living room floor, much like I had done just a couple of days ago. 

“Finn-” she starts, but he doesn’t give her a chance.

“Is this to get back at me, Lex? For dating that girl you were pining away for back in high school?”

If ever there was a look that said, ‘You’re fucking crazy,’ it was the look that Lexa is sporting right now. “Dude, what are you talking about?”

“Did you fuck Clarke to get back at me for dating Jen?”

Her look intensifies as her gaze lands on me and back to Finn. “What? Finn, we hashed that out years ago, why are you bringing it up now?”

“Because you fucked my girlfriend to get back at me for it.” his voice is getting increasingly loud. 

“First, I didn’t fuck Clarke.” she glimpses over at me and even though it’s brief and she’s fighting with Finn, I can tell she wants to say that she wanted to. “Second, we were like sixteen when that other thing happened, we fought it out already. Believe me, I am totally over that. So, stop,” she approaches him slowly before placing her hand on his shoulder. “take a breath, man.”

It seems like it’s working, like her words are calming him. And a myriad of emotions fly across his face as he contemplates whether or not he believes her. But his eyes land on the box of jelly beans that I had purchased with him on one of the end tables. He walks and picks it up, the rising and falling of his chest picks up speed. 

His eyes snap to me, “Did you give this to her, Clarke?” his voice is low.

I can’t bring myself to answer. It’s not like anything happened that night, but if he knows that I was over here without him, that’s not going to make things any better. I start to fidget now, my fingers moving against each other faster than they ever have and his eyes narrow in on them. He knows that this is my nervous tell. 

“How many times have you been over here without me?” 

I look away, remembering the first time I was here. Innocent at first, but then she landed on top of me and then it wasn’t so innocent for me after that. 

He squints first, then his eyes widen like he figured out everything. “When you took her home, Lex,” he starts as he slowly makes his way over to her. “did she actually make it to my bed, or yours?”

I’m pissed off at his implication and approach him swiftly. “I slept in your bed, Finn. Okay?” I say. “If _you_ took me home, you’d know that.” I add for good measure, reminding him that it was his decision for me to get home the way I did. 

“Then where were you when I got back?” he raises his voice again and Lexa stands in front of me, blocking his path to me, but that doesn’t stop his eyes from trying to burn me. 

“Stop talking to her like that, Finn.” Lexa interjects with a finger to his chest, backing him up slightly.

I lower my eyes, I can’t really maintain eye contact. 

“You were here, weren’t you?”

I nod before answering, “Yes, but nothing happened.” 

There’s a moment of silence before I hear his breaths speed up, “Is that why you fucked me like that?”

Lexa frowns and looks back at me, confused as to what he’s talking about. 

Finn doesn’t wait for me to give an answer, if I had one to give. “I knew you were being weird, doing different things…” he looks down for a moment before glaring daggers back at me. “When you shushed me, I thought it was hot, but…” his jaw clenches. “It was because you weren’t there with me.” he’s starting to piece things together and I start to fidget even more now. 

“When you fucked me, Clarke, were you thinking of her?” his voice low and threatening as he points at Lexa.

I stand there for a moment, both of their eyes on me and all I can do is swallow. I never wanted him to know, I never wanted her to know, and now they’re both here and the question is out. I don’t want to tell him the truth, whether to selfishly save face, or to spare his feelings, I’m usure. Probably a mix of both. 

He takes my silence as confirmation, “You’re such a fucking slut,” he spits out at me and I feel like I deserve that after everything that’s happened. 

“Finn, you stop that shit right now.” Lexa growls and his fiery eyes turn on her. She doesn’t flinch.

“Or what?” he snaps at her, “You’re no better than she is.”

Her eyes burn into him, “She’s not a slut, you’re just an inattentive asshole.” Lexa spits back and by the look of him, that sets him off. 

Everything happens in a flash, Finn’s right fist trying to connect with Lexa’s face, but she sidesteps him with no trouble, doing what she taught me. Blocking, checking, but on the counter she twists his punching arm behind him and breaks his base so that he’s down on one knee, her foot pressed into the back of it. 

He starts to squirm as she places her hand on his other shoulder, standing behind him, “Finn, dude, stop.” But he doesn’t stop, he growls and struggles to break free to no avail. “Snap out of it.” 

I know that she’s not really hurting him, just subduing him, but I still worry for his safety. I also know that she’s okay, that she can handle herself, but I can’t help worrying about her either. And I feel terrible that they’re fighting this way, that I’m the reason this is all happening. 

“Let me go, Lex!” Finn yells as he reaches behind himself with his free arm, but she’s able to keep his arm at bay by adding extra pressure to the shoulder he’s reaching back with and it stops him from being able to do anything but throw his head back in a lame attempt to hit her. 

“Then snap out of it and let’s talk, Finn.” she says both firmly and pleadingly. 

There’s a sad undertone to the way she says that. And I feel awful for making her feel that way. 

“Fine!” he struggles with that word, I guess she is starting to hurt him. 

“Okay,” she nods, “I’m going to let go. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” he nods in reply and she lets him loose. 

He stands and starts rubbing his shoulder, trying to massage whatever pain there is from Lexa’s hold away. I can see the anger bubbling up through his eyes and I know he’s going to renege on their deal. I can tell that Lexa sees it, too. Finn’s arms raise and in an instant they’re on her chest, pushing her backward and she steps back, barely faltering.

“I told you not to do anything stupid,” she says in a controlled voice, her nostrils flaring the only tell that she’s floored. “And I know you’re mad at me so I gave you that one, but now I need you to get the fuck out of my house until we can both talk about this rationally,” she utters, the harshness of her tone making Finn flinch. 

He stands there, his eyes still on her, his hands balled into fists, contemplating whether or not it’s worth it to try to put his hands on her again. His heavy breathing the only sound in the living room before he speaks. “Fuck off, Lexa.” 

And with that he turns away from her and starts heading towards the door, stopping right before he reaches it to look at me. His eyes questioning me, asking if I’m going to follow. But there’s no way after what just happened that I’m going to go anywhere with him. I wouldn’t feel safe, so I stay where I am, unmoving. 

“Fuck you too, Clarke,” is the last thing he says before he opens and walks out the door, slamming it shut behind him. It makes the house rattle and the sound that follows is deafening, like he took the air out of the house when he walked out as well.

Anya walks into the room seconds later, her eyes searching for Lexa who’s still staring at the door. “Where’s Finn?” she asks. I’m sure either one of us could answer, but I wait for Lexa to speak.

“He just left,” she says. “Everything’s fine,” she tells her and I don’t know what she’s referring to. It’s fine that her best friend came over to start a fight? It’s fine that she had to kick him out? Whatever she’s alluding to is enough to make Anya relax and her shoulders drop a few inches.

Then Anya turns her attention to me and I have to do everything in my power to not flinch. Her hard gaze says everything she won’t, like she’s blaming me for what just happened. And she’s not wrong, the sudden feeling of guilt overtaking me. I walk over to the couch, needing to sit down and collect myself. Lexa and Anya exchange hushed words where they’re standing. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but after they’re finished Anya heads upstairs and Lexa finally turns to look at me.

I don’t know what I’m expecting to find when our eyes meet. Maybe anger, or confusion, but she’s just looking at me with concern.

“What happened?” she asks softly as she approaches the couch. She doesn’t sit on it, keeping her distance by standing several feet away.

Worrying my cheek between my teeth I shrug. I’m not entirely sure. I know he’s not happy with our break-up, and I know he managed to see Lexa’s present and read the note she left, but I don’t think any of that explains why he reacted the way he did.

“Why did he...” she starts, but then stops herself. She knits her brows together, like she’s trying to piece things together. She must come to a deadend though, because she speaks up again. “Why did he come over like that?”

She’s looking at me, lost, and it’s only then that I realize she’s missing a lot of information. I may not be entirely sure why he reacted the way he did, but I know what lead up to it. “I broke up with him last night,” I say, answering her question. The confession seems to catch her off guard and she blinks a couple of times, like that’s the last thing she expected to hear.

“Why?” she asks and I wonder if she’s thinking it’s because of her. Based on the way her face has fallen I think she is, she’s probably blaming herself, thinking this is all her fault. But the truth is, it isn’t. Maybe meeting her and being around her helped open my eyes to the reality of my relationship with Finn, but it’s not her fault that we broke up. It would have happened eventually.

This whole trip just helped me realize I wanted better, and she’s only a small part of that.

I stand up and almost take a step toward her, turning my hand into a fist to fight my first reaction, which is to reach over to touch her. I stay where I am, though, and avoid any contact. She still looks conflicted and I don’t want to give her the wrong impression.

“I realized things between us weren’t working out,” I say. She opens her mouth to say something, but I interrupt her. “It’s not because of what happened, or didn’t happen, between us,” I reassure her. Or at least try to. “Meeting you was–” I need to make sure I say the right thing. “It was only one of many things that helped me realize that’s not the kind of relationship I want to have.”

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and I can almost picture her trying to reconcile everything that happened between us and the eventual fallout of my relationship with Finn, so I try to convince her once more.

“I know he’s your best friend,” I say, avoiding her eyes. Instead I focus my sight on the wooden floor beneath my feet. “But as far as boyfriends go,” I shrug, leaving that there for her to interpret. She had made a few comments about it before. “I wasn’t planning on breaking up with him until after we got back to Seattle. I wanted to avoid making the situation more uncomfortable than it already was. But then,” I say, shaking my head at the memory. At how incredibly clueless he is.

“Then he decided last night was the perfect time to gift me a key to his apartment,” I look at Lexa then and she’s looking at me with wide eyes. “I know, right?” I laugh bitterly. “At that moment I knew I had to just, break it off. It was so clear he didn’t understand what was going on. Worst of all, he didn’t understand me.”

Lexa is looking at me intently, just listening to me vent and I realize at that moment how unfair it is. She’s Finn’s best friend, she should be listening to him complain about me, not the other way around. “I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head. “I know you probably don’t want to hear your friend’s ex-girlfriend complain about him.” She looks away as soon as I mention their friendship and I feel the need to apologize again.

"I'm sorry," I repeat. "If it wasn't for me, you and Finn wouldn't be–" I stop, not wanting to say it out loud. I'm surprised when she shakes her head.

"It's okay," she says. She probably feels the need to explain further at my incredulous look. "Finn and I... We've been friends for years, but we've had our fallouts. You heard him earlier, the thing about Jen," she says and I do. I didn't want to pry and ask about it, but it did catch my attention. "I would never want to purposefully hurt him, but it's not the first time we've had a fight," she shrugs. I wonder if the only thing stopping her before was the fact that I was actually his girlfriend, but now that I'm not– I push that thought of my mind. It's not the time to worry about that.

"We always manage to move on from whatever happens along the way. I'm sure it won't be any different this time, we just need a little distance."

I nod, thankful to know at least I didn't burn a bridge between them. Finn's now my ex-boyfriend, those come and go. I hated the thought of getting in the way of years of friendship, though. "I still feel like I shouldn't complain to you about him," I say with an apologetic smile.

“I–” Lexa says, then stops, thinking her words over before actually speaking. “I really don't mind, Clarke. Plus," she says, pausing for a second. “I still don’t understand why he came into the house the way he did.”

I got a little bit off track. I nod. “Sorry, right. Your gift?” She nods for me to continue. “He read the note over my shoulder. And…” I shrug. “He stormed off right after.”

Lexa sighs, running her hand over her face. “Shit. I’m sorry,” she says and it makes me wonder if she’s sorry for the situation that put us all in or for the gift itself. I hope it’s the former, because the notebook was a really thoughtful thing to get me. I decide to let her know as much.

“Thank you, by the way,” I say and for the first time since Finn stormed off I feel like I can offer her a smile. “It was really sweet.”

She ducks her head in the most adorable way and it makes me wish things weren’t so complicated, because if I could I would walk up to her and kiss her right there and then. “I thought you’d like it,” she mumbles, still avoiding my gaze.

“I love it,” I say and I mean it. I can’t remember the last time someone put so much thought into a gift for me.

She looks up at me then, finally matching my smile. “So, what now?” she asks and it feels like such a loaded question. There’s so many ways I could answer that, but I go with practical.

“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “My flight leaves tomorrow, but I can’t stay with him tonight.” That thought alone makes me shiver. “I guess I’ll just head to the airport to see if I can catch a flight out today instead.” I run the possibility through my mind, realizing it’s probably very unlikely I’ll be able to switch flights without having to pay an insane amount of money. “And if not I’ll just sleep at the airport until I can board my flight tomorrow.”

She shakes her head at that, looking at me with determined eyes. “No,” she says firmly. “Why don’t you– you should stay here tonight,” she offers and I look at her, eyes wide. I can think of so many reasons why that’s not a good idea.

“Lexa, no,” I say. “I don’t want to inconvenience you. I’ve already done that enough.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest. She starts tapping her foot for good measure and I laugh at the woman standing in front of me.

“But–”

“No buts,” she interrupts. “Let’s go get your stuff and then I’ll set the guest bedroom for you, okay? I’m not letting you sleep at the airport just because Finn’s an asshole.”

I want to ask if she’s sure, just in case, but the way she’s looking at me tells me there’s no room for arguing. Part of me is thankful she’s not just taking sides with Finn and is willing to take me in.

“Thanks, Lexa,” I tell her and she nods.

“We’ll be right back,” Lexa yells towards the top of the stairs. We’re walking to the door when Anya reappears.

“Where are you two going?”

“Clarke’s staying here tonight,” Lexa says and Anya’s eyebrow rises almost imperceptibly. “Her flight leaves tomorrow, but she can’t stay at Finn’s. We’re just gonna go grab her things.”

Anya shakes her head at that, walking down the stairs. “Forget it, you’re not going there right now,” she tells Lexa and then directs her attention at me. “I’m going with you.” By the looks on our faces, she feels the need to explain herself. “There’s no animosity between Finn and I right now,” Anya explains. “If you go over there with Clarke and he’s there, it might get just as bad as it was here.”

“Guys, Finn’s not going to hurt me.” I say. “Things aren’t good between us, but I don’t think he’d ever hurt me.” 

“Probably not, but at least it might make it a bit less awkward.” Lexa shrugs. 

She’s right and I nod. I wouldn’t mind someone else with me and Anya seems like a good buffer. 

“Okay, let me put on some proper clothes first. Don’t want the whole neighborhood to know what my pajamas look like,” Anya says before heading to her room.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks once she’s disappeared up the stairs. I frown at her. “With the break-up and everything,” she explains.

“Yeah, I–” I sigh, trying to find the right words. “When I made up my mind a couple of days ago the worst part was thinking I wasted six months of my life by being with him. And after what just happened,” I shrug. “It just confirms what I already knew. I’m just sorry I put you in this situation and you’re stuck hosting me for the night.”

Lexa smiles, reaching over to grab my hand, giving it a short squeeze before letting go. “Don’t be silly, it’s not a problem at all.”

My heart skips a beat at the contact, but I try to shake it off. I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about her after everything that's happened, but my body won’t listen and it’s not my fault it reacts the way it does every time Lexa comes near me.

“Ready?” Anya asks when she walks back into the room. She reaches for her coat and boots and I nod.

“Yeah,” I say as I follow her out the door, bracing myself.

#####

Finn wasn’t even there and I’m able to pack my things up pretty quickly. It was awkward running into his parents going in and again while we were heading out the door. The warmth that they offered me when I first arrived, gone. Just a wave goodbye like they were glad I was leaving. And it doesn’t surprise me. I’m just the girl that broke their son’s heart now. 

On the short walk back over to Lexa’s, Anya stops me. “Lexa’s fiercely loyal,” she states and I look back at her, a little confused as to why she’s telling me this. “She and Finn have always chosen friendship.” 

I don’t have a reply for that. 

“You better be worth it.” 

For a moment I stand in place, watching one of the most intimidating women I’ve ever met walk away. Her words ringing in my mind. 

#####

As soon as we are back at their house with my bags in tow Lexa says she’ll go set up the guestroom. Part of me thinks she’s just looking for an excuse to either get away from me for a bit or find something to keep her busy, but either way I’m not going to let her do it alone. So I tell her I’m helping her and don’t take no for an answer, because I would much rather be with her than stay with Anya after the short exchange we shared on our way back.

Her words still repeat in my head while I grab the corner of the sheet I’m in charge of tucking in. I worry I’ve meddled in Finn and Lexa’s friendship and I feel guilty, but then I catch the way Lexa is looking at me, the smile she gives me when she realizes I caught her and I think maybe it’ll be okay.

Lexa offers to make us lunch as soon as she finds out I didn’t get a chance to have breakfast this morning. I stand to one side, leaning against the counter, while she takes things out of the fridge and starts chopping and throwing them into the pan.

Ten minutes in and it already smell delicious. My stomach agrees with a loud growl that makes Lexa laugh and I just tell her to shut up, thankful that we can still be friendly after everything that happened this morning.

Anya joins us at the dining room table once the food is ready and we eat mostly in silence. It makes me wonder if this is how all their meals are, part of me wishing I could stick around long enough to find out.

My mind wanders and I let myself think about how different things could be if I lived here. Much like I had done on previous days, I wonder if we had met under different circumstances maybe this could be a regular occurrence, like I’m just here eating the food the woman I’m seeing prepared, instead of my ex-boyfriend’s friend.

Without meaning to a sigh escapes my lips and Lexa immediately looks my way, eyes searching my face. I know she’s trying to figure me out and I’m scared of how good she is at it. It feels like she reads right into my thoughts when she reaches a hand under the table, placing it on my knee and giving it a light squeeze.

I wish she would just leave it there, but instead she takes it back just a few short seconds after. I focus on my plate then, hoping to avoid looking at her longily.

I know I just broke up with Finn and maybe in any other situation I wouldn’t even be allowing myself to think about Lexa the way I am, but I can’t help it. Ever since I met her, ever since our time at the bar and our walk back to the car, I’ve felt this inexplicable pull toward her. Something I’ve never felt before in my whole entire life.

How am I supposed to ignore that? Especially when I know I’m leaving the next day. It’s hard, but I feel like tonight is my last chance to– I shake my head. No. I can’t be thinking about this right now.

Anya offers to clean up, probably to get away from the room and the tension surrounding us. I’m pretty sure she can feel it just as much. I’m grateful for her departure, her judging looks still too much for me to handle, but it also means I’m left alone with Lexa and if I thought being close to her before was difficult, this is even harder.

She’s looking around now, like she’s trying to find something to do and it makes me wonder, not for the first time today, if she’s struggling with this just as much as I am. Her eyes suddenly land on something and they light up

“Do you know how to play Speed?” she asks, standing up and going over to grab something from the bookcase in the corner of the room. I shake my head just as she turns around, holding a deck of cards.

She explains the game to me as she shuffles and deals the cards and while it sounds simple enough, I am absolutely terrible at it. In theory, all we have to do is place a card higher or lower than the one in the middle of the table until one of our hands runs out and I try. I really try. But Lexa is too fast and I can’t compete.

I don’t know how long we play for, but just when I feel like I’m getting better and have a chance to win based on the almost equal amount of cards left in both our hands, Lexa goes ahead and drops five, six, seven in a row and she wins.

Again.

“It’s not fair,” I say, leaning back on my chair with my arms across my chest. I tell myself I’m not going to pout, but I’m pretty sure my bottom lip is protruding at least a little bit. “You’re like a freaking ninja.”

Lexa laughs. “No. I’m a normal human being, you’re just too slow,” she teases and I reach to grab a card to throw at her face, but it’s so light it just lands right in the middle of the table. Lexa snickers.

“You’ve been training in martial arts practically your whole life,” I say. “So of course you have an advantage.”

“That has nothing to do with playing cards, Clarke,” she says, looking at me funny. She’s so smug, I hate it. “I train in blocking and counters, not how to stack cards,” she says matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, but you train your hand-eye coordination, Lexa,” I emphasize her name like she’s being insufferable.

Lexa shrugs. “Whatever. Just admit you suck,” she laughs and I grab another card, throwing it like a frisbee this time so it actually hits her. It lands right on her chest.

“Counter that,” I say, smiling proudly.

“You don’t want me to,” she says, her eyes turning serious. “You wouldn’t stand a chance.”

I’ve always hated the way her smugness makes me feel and right now is no exception. She sounds so sure of herself, it makes me think back to the time when she was showing me some of the Kali moves, how she let me win, but immediately showed me it was nothing but an illusion as soon as I challenged her.

I bite my lip, looking away.

I really need to find a way to stop my thoughts from wandering into dangerous territory.

“Anyway,” I say, trying to distract myself. “I bet you if we played Pictionary you wouldn’t be so full of yourself.”

“Probably,” she admits. “But we don’t have that game, so,” she looks down at the cards, gathering them so she can shuffle and deal again. “Can you think of any card game you’re actually good at?”

This time I throw the box that usually holds the cards at her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it feels like it ended at a weird place, it may be because the chapter got too big. So, I had to divide it. Hope you enjoyed it, though! :)


	7. Chapter Seven

We spend the afternoon playing different card games, all of which she’s better at than me. I insist there’s an unfair advantage; aside from her ninja skills, she also grew up playing and I didn’t. While I usually prefer not getting my ass kicked, I still welcome the distraction and by the time the sun has set behind the mountains I feel lighter than I’ve felt in the last couple of days.

Having exhausted all card games, we move onto the couch. I take a seat on one end, with my back against the armrest and my knees pulled up. Lexa does the same, except with one foot hanging off the side of the couch while the other one is tucked underneath her.

We fall into silence and it’s strangely comfortable. Once again it makes me wonder what it is about the other woman that challenges everything I think I’ve come to know about people and relationships. Being around her feels effortless, like there’s not a care in the world.

I like that feeling. I want more of it.

“Hey,” she says, nudging my leg with a foot I hadn’t realized she had moved to extend on the couch. “What’s your favorite Christmas memory?” 

I don’t know if she’s asking because she’s trying to fill the silence or because maybe she’s worried I went quiet thinking about things I would rather not think about. One look at her tells me she’s asking because she cares and it makes me feel like I can honestly answer her, like she’s not just chasing a cute Christmas story, but a real one.

“It involves my dad, as you could probably guess,” I say with a small smile. The thought of him and all the memories we formed together still too heavy. But I push through, because I think Lexa will actually sit there and listen and it makes me feel like sharing a piece of him with her makes him less absent.

“As I’ve told you before, my mom’s a doctor.” She nods. “So she didn’t always get to spend Christmas with us. One time she was supposed to, but she ended up getting a call early Christmas Day and she like, freaked out.” I shake my head just thinking about the memory. “I was probably nine or ten? Old enough that I was already used to it, it didn’t really matter.”

Intent eyes are watching me as I speak and I can’t help but smile. She’s so attentive, I’ve never met anyone who makes it seem like they’re holding on to my every word.

“But for some reason it mattered to her, so she made my dad drag all the Christmas presents into the car so we could spend Christmas with her at the hospital.” I roll my eyes at how ridiculous that idea sounds, even now. “Looking back I understand she just wanted to spend some time with us, but back then I was just mad. I didn’t want to spend Christmas there, I was more than happy staying home in my pajamas with my dad all day.”

I still remember the look on the nurses’ faces when they saw the three of us walking in with a bunch of presents in tow, my mom pleading for them to find an available room where we could spend the day.

“It was... not great. Hospitals aren’t exactly cheery and the atmosphere wasn’t very Christmasy. Not for ten year old me, anyway,” I say, grimacing. I hope she won’t judge me for what I’m saying. “My dad could tell I was having a hard time, so at one point when my mom was busy with patients he led us to the children’s ward. I knew where we were going, I visited my mom at the hospital enough times to know it by heart, and I was absolutely dreading it.”

I had held on to his sleeve, pulling back, begging him to turn around, but I was no match for him and he just dragged me along the way.

“I think as we were walking there I realized how ungrateful I was being, spending Christmas at the hospital somewhat by choice.”

“More like your mom’s choice,” Lexa supplies with a smile. I chuckle.

“Yeah, but a choice nonetheless. Meanwhile all these kids were there because they had no other option. I thought he was taking me there to punish me in a way, to show me exactly how spoiled and childish I was behaving.”

That memory of smiling faces is in my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how happy those kids were. Even in those circumstances, they didn’t care. It was Christmas and they were just _happy_.

For a second I worry I’m boring her with my story, but she’s looking at me with a smile, her eyes never leaving mine and I know she cares. So I continue.

“I think the best gift I got that year was being able to make those kids happy. I think they were just excited to see someone new. They were so welcoming, all showing me their toys and letting me play with them.”

“I remember sitting on one of the beds, playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with three other kids and at one point I looked up and found my dad standing by the door, just looking at me with a smile on his face. I think he knew he couldn’t give me anything to make my Christmas less miserable, so he helped me give to others instead.”

Silence surrounds us as I get lost in that moment, just remembering his smile. I miss it, even to this day.

“He sounds like a great person,” Lexa says after a few moments of quiet. I smile.

“He was.”

“I see where you got it from,” she says. She uses her sock-covered foot to nudge my shin this time, making my leg wobble and I laugh.

“Stop,” I say, pushing her foot away with my hand. I mean to just push it off, but just like many other times before, my body is begging me to keep touching her. It’s gotten increasingly difficult to stop myself as the day goes by, and now that I’ve finally laid my hand on her I can’t seem to pull away.

I absentmindedly pick at her sock, my eyes making their way back to her face. She’s looking at me with such fondness, it makes my heart swell. “What about you?” I ask, because I want her to tell me, too. I suddenly realize I want to get to know everything there is to know about the woman sitting across from me.

Her eyes had been fixed on my hand until I speak. She looks up at my question and seems to think about it before answering. “Probably the first Christmas I spent with Anya when it didn’t hurt anymore,” she says. I wasn’t expecting such a confession, still amazed at how she’s managed to move past what happened and look at the bright side of things.

“It took a while. The first couple of years were really rough.” I nod in understanding, I can only imagine. Losing my dad was hard enough. “But I think it was probably our third Christmas together, it wasn’t anything fancy. But I just remember finally feeling happy again, like I was actually, really going to be okay.”

“As you can imagine, we didn’t have a lot of money. Anya was in her early twenties raising a tween,” she says as she laughs and all I want to do is hear her laugh again. “So no big presents or trips or anything. It’s always been just us, at home.” My hand hasn’t stopped moving on her foot, but it’s become softer, slower. My brain more focused on her story than its movement. “But that Christmas I woke up and my first thought was to wake up Anya. Not my parents, not their death, nothing but going to wake her up so we could open presents while sipping hot cocoa.”

She laughs again and I swear it’s like music to my ears. “I learned that day it doesn’t matter what time of the year it is, you do not wake Anya up.” At my raised eyebrow she explains, “She yelled at me to leave and I had to run to escape the pillow she threw my way. I think she felt guilty after, because she quickly left the bed and went into the kitchen to prepare our drinks. But I didn’t care,” she says as she shrugs. “That was just Anya being Anya and I was just thankful I had her.”

The picture of Lexa going to Anya’s room, all giddy with excitement, makes me smile. “I would have loved to meet little Lexa,” I say, the hand on her foot unconsciously moving up and down.

“I think she’d have liked little Clarke,” she says with a smile. And even though the story she just told me could’ve had sad undertones to it, she looks nothing but content. I hope one day I’m able to look past the bad things in life and just smile at the good ones.

The movement of my hand doesn’t stop, feeling the need to connect with her in more ways than one. At some point I feel her skin and I slide my fingertips under the hem of her sweatpants, a light touch on her shin.

She smiles at me, although it seems to falter for a moment. It makes me panic, wonder if I said something wrong, but then her lips part just slightly. She takes a shallow breath, and I suddenly realize it has nothing to do with what I said and everything to do with what my hand is doing.

I’ve always liked the reaction I get out of her, but for the first time I allow myself to actually enjoy it; chase it.

Our eyes lock and I don’t look away as I keep grazing her skin with my fingertips, enjoying the lump that seems to form in her throat before she swallows thickly. I wish I was sitting closer, just so I could let my hand wander higher up, instead of mid-shin. But it’s all I can do, so I keep touching her smooth skin, loving the reaction I’m getting from her.

I open my mouth to say something, but we both jump when we hear something hit the floor in the kitchen and a hissed ‘ _fuck!’_. Lexa laughs, leaning her head back to yell in the direction of the kitchen.

“Are you okay in there?” Lexa asks. I immediately miss touching her when she retreats her leg so she can place it on the floor to stand up. “Do you need any help?”

“I’m fine,” Anya says and she sounds exasperated. I guess she must’ve started cooking while we were sharing stories. Lexa gives me an apologetic smile before she stands up to go help. “Dinner’s ready, though,” she adds.

“I’ll go get the food, just take a seat at the table in the meantime,” Lexa says with a smile and I nod, making my way over to the dining room just as my stomach growls.

Perfect timing.

#####

Sitting on the bed in Lexa and Anya’s guest bedroom is definitely not where I expected to end up when this day started. I thought it would be another awkward day, just like yesterday, but maybe times a hundred since I lost my cool and broke up with Finn. In a way, I’m glad that he made an ass of himself, but only because I got to spend the day with Lexa and her stupid quick hands. 

_Hm, yummy hands._ Nope, not the time to think about that. 

With my back against the headboard and my knees pulled up, I hold the notebook Lexa gave me against my thigh, my hand moving swiftly across a page. It’s such a thoughtful gift, but I think the thing that got me the most was the note she left inside it that I’ll never erase. 

When I had told her the story about my dad and how supportive he was of me, I didn’t think that she meant it when she said that she’d keep it in mind. But she did and when I read what she wrote, I felt… I don’t even know how to describe the way I felt. It’s hard to describe a feeling you’ve only had once in your life. Maybe, if I were to equate it to something, it would be to when the Grinch’s heart grew three times its size. Not that I was a grinch or anything. Or, at least, I hope I wasn’t being one. 

It’s so different from my experience with Finn. I remember one day I was wearing my dad’s old baseball cap, the one he bought not because he followed the sport, but because he liked the team’s logo. It was one of the few things of his that I keep with me. When Finn asked me about it, I told him as much and the next day he got us tickets to watch the team play. It was the thought that counts, but it was the wrong takeaway.

And I know that I shouldn’t compare the two (it’s clear who would win), but it’s hard not to. Because I spent a significant amount of time with him and I don’t think he ever really got me. While with Lexa, we’ve only known each other for about a week and she got me right away. 

I’m pulled from my thoughts when I hear footsteps outside the door, a knock following shortly after.

“Yeah?” I ask, my attention no longer on the sketch, but toward the noise. Lexa opens the door and leans against the frame, pillow in hand. 

“Hey,” she says with an almost shy smile.

“Hey,” I return in kind. “What’s up?” She looks so good. I don’t know how someone just looks good in everything. Like, she’s just in a pair of flannel bottoms and an old white t-shirt. How is that so hot? 

“I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable here.” She looks around the room before scrunching up her face. “Ask if you needed a pillow…” she says as she holds the one she has in her hand up. 

Looking beside me and seeing a mountain of pillows makes me look back at her with a smirk on my face. “Uh huh.” I pat the stack and raise my eyebrow, trying to capture that same incredulous look she gives me all the time when I lie to her or make up excuses. 

She blushes. “I wasn’t sure if that’d be enough… for a princess like you,” she tries and, in my book, fails to hit the level of teasing she was striving for.

“Good one,” I reply and giggle as she throws the pillow she has in her hand at me.

She blushes again and it’s such an adorable look. “Shut it, Clarke of Seattle.” She bites on her bottom lip and now she’s hot again. What the hell is wrong with me? Her gaze starts to wander just slightly lower and her head tilts to the side. “Hey, whatcha drawing? Can I see?” she asks as she starts to move closer to me. 

“Huh?” I look down at my drawing, my eyebrows hiking to the top of my forehead before I quickly shut the notebook. “No.” I can feel the heat in my cheeks. 

She stops in her tracks for a moment, a quizzical look on her face. “No?” she shakes her head at me. “You can’t just tell me no, Clarke.” 

I don’t know what it is about that statement that excites my whole body, but it does. Or about every other statement she makes, really. I’ve felt attracted to people before, but never like this. Never have I felt the way she makes my hands itch to touch her and my blood rush south with pretty much anything she says or does. It’s ridiculous. But I get myself together enough to say, “Except, hey, I just did.” Followed by the sweetest smile that I can give her.

She advances on me with speed that I forgot she possesses, but I’m still able to place the notebook under my butt to protect it from her prying eyes. “Clarke?” she raises her brow at me, trying to intimidate me. Is that how browbeating got its meaning?

“Lexa,” I say as snarkily as I can. 

“Okay, well, I was gonna ask but,” she shrugs. 

_Shit._

I put my hands up to shield me. I don’t know why I thought she’d go for my face or upper body really, but she doesn’t at all. She grabs my ankles and jerks me down the bed, giggling at the sound I make as she does so. 

“Lexa! You butt!” I squeal out and it only makes her laugh even more. I try to take comfort in the fact that the notebook, though no longer under the protection of my butt is still under my back. But my comfort is very short lived as she rolls me over onto my stomach with ease. I might as well have been hiding my notebook from her with a piece of paper that read, ‘No.’

I roll back over to see that she, obviously, already has the thing she pushed me for. I try one more sad attempt at retrieving it from her, but she blocks my reach and pushes on my chest, making me fall back down to my side of the bed. 

I resign myself to the fact that I’m not going to win this one and I feel adrenaline and heat pump through my body at alarming speeds. I cover my face with one of the thousands of pillows this room has like it’s going to be able to stop the shame of her seeing my mindless sketch.

“You’re so cute,” I hear, but it’s muffled because of the pillow. 

“Whatever,” is also muffled. My heartbeat accelerates as I wait for the relentless teasing that I know is about to come my way, but seconds go by and not a word has come out of the woman sitting beside me. 

When I hear nothing, I feel the need to say something. “It’s not even close to done yet, so.” Like that’s going to stop my cheeks from reddening. More seconds go by and I start to wonder what she’s thinking and why she’s not saying anything. 

I drop the pillow from my face and sit up to see her having taken over my position on the bed, with the softest of smiles as she looks over her own face. Roughly sketched, of course. I’ve only been working on it for about twenty minutes. 

“Don’t judge my skills by that. I need more time,” I mumble as I walk, on my knees, closer to her. My fingers start moving against each other.

I’ve drawn so many people, plenty of friends and acquaintances, my parents. There’s still one that I drew of mom and dad when they were happy and in love displayed on my mom’s dresser. And it didn’t matter to me what they thought about them, I was just drawing those things for me. Either for practice or just to occupy my time. 

But this sketch of Lexa was never meant to be seen by anyone, least of all the woman that inspired it. It was personal, it was intimate, it was the way that I see her. It was only for me to see. 

Her eyes land on my hands and she places her own over them to calm me. It’s such an innocent touch, but the electricity it causes to run all over my body? Man, I’m screwed.

“I am flattered to be the first thing you drew,” she finally says, a touch of pink to her cheeks. 

My eyes drop to our combined hands, the red in my cheeks deepening. “Yeah, well,” I duck my head. “You’re pretty good inspiration, so.” 

She perks her brow, but it’s not as high as her Eyebrow of Disbelief and I’m starting to understand that that just means she’s interested. Or, she’s going to try to say something funny, or both. She has very expressive eyebrows and I love getting to learn them. 

“Well, if you needed me to pose for you, you could have just asked,” she shrugs with a smile, taking her hand off of mine. I miss its warmth already.

I’ll never forget the way she looks. So, I don’t _need_ her to pose, but if we’re talking about want, well, that’s a different story. 

“Yeah? Any pose I want you in?” slips out of my mouth and for a moment, because throughout this week we’ve been having to fight against what we want, I turn away from her, looking anywhere she isn’t. 

But then I feel her eyes on me, so steadily on me, and I meet her gaze. It’s intense and eager and I regret nothing I just said. 

“Draw me like one of your French girls,” she replies. 

The silence in the room after Lexa’s remark is broken by my uncontrolled laughter with her following in kind. It’s a good reminder for me that not _everything_ she says turns me on, but I’m good with laughter, too. 

“You’re a doofus,” I say, my giggles dying down.

“Doofus, huh? Your insults are just getting harsher and harsher!” She grabs at her chest like an old southern woman and I shake my head at her. 

“Drama queen,” I giggle. 

I try to stifle a yawn that’s coming on, covering my mouth with the back of my hand. I don’t want her to think that I’m tired.

“Should I let you go to sleep?” she asks and I want to say no, that I want her to stay. This is our last night together and I want to spend as much time with her as possible. But I guess it’s true that yawning is contagious because a second later she yawns, which makes me yawn again and I guess that answers for me. 

She smiles at me and pats my hand. “I’m gonna go,” she says as she stands. 

Would it be wrong to ask her to sleep with me? Just sleep? Probably.

“Okay,” I get up off the bed as well to follow her to the door, trying to hide my disappointment. I stop once I reach the doorframe, Lexa standing only a couple of feet away from me in the hallway. Before I can think about it I reach for her arm, gently wrapping my fingers around her wrist.

She looks down at my hand and then at me. “I just wanted to– Thank you,” I tell her, tugging at her arm until she’s closer to me. Her eyes are wide, like she doesn’t know what I’m doing. And honestly, I don’t know either until I wrap my arms around her waist, resting my head on her chest, squeezing tight. “For everything,” I whisper.

I only let myself hug her for another second before pulling away, too scared she’ll feel my heart beating out of my chest. She stands there, looking at me and the surprise I saw before has now been replaced with–

It makes me wonder if I’m looking into a mirror, the look on her face probably just like my own. I want to reach for her again, bring her in, kiss her and I think she wants to, too.

But then she shakes her head and takes a deep breath and I know what she’s going to say next.

“Good night, Clarke,” she says, only slightly tumbling back.

“Night, Lexa.”

We share one last smile, her eyes shamelessly traveling up and down my body, before she turns around and heads in the direction of her room, leaving me by the door, wishing I had the courage to ask her to come back.

#####

The past twenty-four hours have been emotionally draining, what with my break-up with Finn and the fight that followed. I was honestly tired earlier when Lexa was in here and I’m not usually one to have a hard time sleeping, so I thought that with everything that happened and the fact that it’s almost two in the morning that I’d be out like a light. 

But I’m not. Shortly after Lexa left I tried closing my eyes and letting sleep overtake me. But as soon as I did, all I could do was think of Lexa and about how far away she isn’t. Lying in her bed, in her pj’s, hot as ever. 

My body practically begging me to walk the few feet it would take to get to her room. And with the way we ended the night, I’m sure I wouldn’t be unwelcomed. There’s no way to have misinterpreted that look that she gave me before we parted ways in the hallway. 

That look was fucking mesmerizing. The hunger of it, the way she bit her bottom lip while she let her gaze wander my body. God, really all the times she looked at me today, every single one of them are flashing through my mind, heightening my arousal and my hand itches to slide down.

I turn on my side, knowing that if I stay on my back, I’ll be more tempted to take care of myself. I don’t want to do that in her house. I feel like somehow it’s disrespectful even though there’s no way that either one of them would know that I did it. 

But turning on my side doesn’t quell my thoughts nor my desires. The bed sheets smell like the clothes she wears, the pillows, even the comforter. It doesn’t have her unique fragrance, but it still reminds me of her. This is fucking torture. 

I turn over to my other side, my hand landing on top of the mattress and I take in a deep breath to try to stop myself from imagining that she should be under my hand, not the empty space. And I start to wonder if she’s being tormented much like I am or if she’s obliviously happy dreaming about whatever. 

I lie on my back again and cover my face with my hands like that’s going to erase the images of Lexa and her eyes and her mouth and her sexy arms and her sexy everything. I let out a big sigh and think, again, to walk into her room. 

No. I won’t. But, maybe if I get some water, either to drink or pour down my pants to cool me down, it will help to abate my desires. 

I throw the covers off of me and sit up, sliding my legs toward the side of the bed, my feet landing on the cold wooden floor. I’m about to stand when I feel a pull from the other side of the door. A delightful shiver runs up my spine and I know that Lexa is there. I can feel her there, much like when she looks at me when she doesn’t think that I know she is and my breaths become shallow. 

But there’s no movement, no advancement to open the door and I start to wonder what the hell she’s doing out there. Is this hard for her, too? Does she want to come in? Was I just making too much noise with my constant shifting of positions and now that I’ve stopped she doesn’t feel like she needs to come in here?

More seconds go by and I feel like we’ve been in this stand still for hours. She hasn’t moved from her spot, not even an inch and if I thought I was being tortured before, I didn’t know what I was talking about. 

I remember that I was going to get up anyway for that water. If I find her on the other side, that’ll be my excuse for being there. It won’t be weird for me, if anything, it’ll make her have to explain herself, not the other way around. 

With that in mind, I stand as softly as I can. I don’t want to alert her to the fact that I’m going towards her. And the closer I get, the stronger the pull becomes and my god, I just want to collide into her. 

I open the door quickly to find her about to knock on it. Her surprised face in the dark is pretty comical and I can’t stop the smile that creeps to my lips. I love that I caught her off guard. She’s usually pretty good at masking her emotions, but it takes her a second longer to achieve it this time. 

I raise a brow at her in question. “What are you doing here?” I ask as I lean my hip on the doorframe, my arms crossed over my chest. 

She doesn’t respond for a bit, silent while she lets her eyes look me over, and though I can’t see exactly where she’s looking, I can definitely feel it. A tingling heat on the side of my neck trailing up to my lips. 

“I…” she bites her lip and holy hell I want to be the one doing that. She clears her throat, “I, uh, just wanted to check on you,” she whispers and there’s a little shake to her voice that I’ve never heard from her before. 

She’s thrown off and I love it. I want to throw her off some more. 

Still leaning against the doorframe, I reach out with my right hand and run my fingertips up her bare arm, feeling her skin rising to meet my touch, then back down to interlace our fingers, both our palms still facing the floor. 

“Oh?” I question while still looking at our somewhat connected hands and I hear her audibly swallow. 

“Yeah,” she sounds like she’s already recovering. Dammit. “I thought I heard you moving around in there.”

I nod and bring her hand to my hip, letting her rest it there so that I can keep touching her arm.

“You having some trouble trying to sleep?” she asks as she brushes her thumb under my shirt. And I know I’ve messed up. That thumb on me turning the tables of our dynamic as my mind concentrates on how good that feels against me. 

And there are so many ways that I can answer that, so many ways that I want to. But almost every one of those answers will lead us into territory that we both agreed we wouldn’t go. The only thing I can say that I know is safe is, “A little.” 

“Anything I can do to help?” she questions as not just her thumb, but half her fingers glide under my sleeping shirt. And everywhere they touch, no matter the pressure, sends a current straight to my core. 

“You’re the worst,” I groan softly and I hear her chuckle.

“What?” she says as she moves just a little bit closer and the heat of her body envelopes me. “I’m just trying to be hospitable.” 

Hospitable, my ass. But that last word reminds me of what I had gotten out of bed for in the first place. “Water!” I whisper stupidly and she hikes her brow at me now. I clear my throat, “I mean, I was going to get water. That’s what I was doing.” I nod. “Getting water… Water.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t clear on that. Did you want water?” she chuckles at her own joke and I just roll my eyes at her. 

Her fingers that are under my shirt dip into my bottoms, but just the tips and I swear she’s trying to fucking kill me. If I wasn’t already leaning against something I’d have to just to be able to remain standing. And my god, I’m trying to be strong, because of some kind of faithfulness that she still has to Finn and the fact that my relationship just ended with him. But, fuck.

“You’re not even trying, Lexa,” I scold as she dips a little lower, fingertips grazing just a bit below my lower back. 

She pushes out a soft giggle. “I really am, though.” Her fingers still tantalizing, she moves closer. “I really, really am.” 

I shake my head at her as my hand glides up her bare arm, resting fully on her bicep. And I think to myself, not for the first time, how strong she is. How toned her arms are and I can’t stop the thought of how well she could utilize that strength while on top of me. 

“Uh-huh,” my fingers drift over the exposed part of her chest, right below her collar bone and a soft growl escapes her lips. I bring my face closer to her neck, breathing in what the bedsheets were lacking and wonder how I’m going to convince myself not to pull this woman back into the bed behind me. 

“I’m a little offended that you don’t believe me,” she says and now she’s flush against me and her mouth so close to mine. I move to meet her. 

Our lips connect, so light, so soft, it’s barely even a kiss, but I catch my breath all the same. The feeling electric and crackling through the air. My legs turning into jelly when I hear her soft moan. Her hand on my hip tightening its grip, my hand tangled in the collar of her shirt as she moves to capture my bottom lip, sucking gently. 

We break apart as we hear a door opening and I’ve never wanted to kill a sound before, but that opening door would definitely be the first. Anya’s shape stumbles into the hallway as she sleepily walks to the bathroom. She pauses for a moment, a murmur of expletives escaping her when she realizes that Lexa and I are also in the hallway. 

She stands by her destination just staring down at us. “What the hell are you guys doing hanging out over there?”

“I was just going to get water,” I squeak out and I don’t know how I remembered to say anything, let alone something kind of accurate, at her questioning. 

“Nothing,” is Lexa’s response. Such good thinking on her part. 

Anya stands where she is for a few more seconds and I’m sure if the lights were on, I’d be able to see that eyebrow raised. “Uh-huh,” she mumbles before going in and shutting the door. 

I start to fidget with my fingers a little, surprised by how shy I feel right now. I can tell that Lexa feels the same way. 

“So…” she starts and it’s really cute. 

“So…” 

She takes a deep breath, “I’m gonna,” she squeaks out before clearing her throat and I giggle at the fact that she sounds like a boy going through puberty. “I’m gonna go to bed. Now that you’re, like, now that I know you’re good.” 

I nod. “Yeah. I’m gonna,” I point toward the stairs. “Yeah, water.” 

“Right,” she slowly backs up and we hear the toilet flush. 

“Cool,” I add, still leaning against the frame of the door. 

She’s almost to her room as Anya reemerges. 

“Good night, girls,” Anya waves half-heartedly before returning to her own room. 

“Night,” Lexa and I say at the same time and we both look at each other, giggling. 

Lexa opens her door but before she enters, she glances over at me one last time. “Night, Clarke.” 

“Night, Lexa,” I say for the second time tonight. I bite my lower lip, wondering if it would be so bad to follow her there. 

I shake that thought away and somehow push myself to do what I told Anya I was going to do. 

The only thing I can think about is that kiss. If Lexa hadn’t been touching me the way she had or if I hadn’t been running my hands wherever I felt like I wanted to leading up to that kiss, I could say that it was one of the most innocent kisses I’ve ever had. 

But the way it made me feel? The way it made my body respond to such a light touch, the way it sent shivers through me that made my legs weak, the way it burned me and ignited the flame that lay dormant in my belly? Yeah, not innocent.

I have to stop thinking about the kiss, though, or I’ll never make it back to the guest room. If I keep thinking about it, the first thing I’m going to do when I get to the top of the stairs is walk straight into her room, softly close her door and crawl into her bed. 

I hear shuffling of feet across the floor as I lean back against the kitchen counter, finishing the last of the water in my glass. My heartbeat quickens in pace, so much that I think it might just jump out of my chest. I see the outline of Lexa’s figure in front of me in this dark house and I start to struggle for breath. Her presence more intimidating than it was when I opened my door to her. Whereas that Lexa was unsure about what she wanted to do, the one standing in front of me now is unwavering in her needs. 

“Lexa?” I squeak out as I place my glass down on the counter. 

In less than two strides she’s pressed up against me, in less time than that her mouth is on mine again. Her hands are on my sides lifting and I let myself be moved to wherever she wants me to go. I’m sitting on the counter and she moves between legs that voluntarily wrap around her. 

Her kiss is no longer soft, not even a hint of how delicate it was when we were upstairs. This kiss, this mind melting, thought diminishing, breath stealing kiss is everything I’ve ever wanted a kiss to be. The taste of her, the smell of her, the way she wants me all summed up in this beautiful dance of our tongues. 

I’ve never felt so wanted. 

I try to bring her as close to me as possible, my legs squeezing, my arms tightening and it’s like she’s trying to do the same thing. Her tight grip on my ass pulling me into her like she wants us to merge, the way she pushes her hips into me eliciting noises I didn’t know I could make with my mouth covered by another. 

When she tries to break the kiss, I move with her as she pulls back. I don’t want to stop, but she places her hand on my chest, not allowing me to follow. I let out a sound of displeasure and I only get a low chuckle in response. 

I clasp onto the collar of her shirt and pull as hard as I can, but she resists. “Why did you stop?” I ask, breathless.

“Shh,” she places her finger over my lips. “You’re making too much noise, Clarke. You’re going to wake Anya.” I lick that finger before taking it into my mouth. She doesn’t seem to care that she’s making as much noise as I am when she moans out loud at what I’m doing to her with my mouth. 

Hypocrite.

I grasp the hem of her shirt and she seems to get the hint, discarding the now meaningless piece of fabric off of her while I do the same with mine. She moves to get close to me again, like she was before she shushed me, but I stop her with my hands on her shoulders. The question on her face disappearing quickly as my hands and eyes start to wander. 

My hands on either side of her neck, the nails of my fingers lightly scratching and I feel her skin rise up underneath them. I keep trailing down, same pressure, same cadence, across her chest and I feel her shiver against me. My eyes land on her breasts, her nipples firm and begging to have attention paid to them. I’m nothing if not accommodating, my palms grazing over them. 

Lexa moans my name and I don’t think I can ever hear my name again without thinking of the way she just said it. She pushes her chest into my palms, trying to feel more than the light touches I’m allowing. But I move lower down her body, away from her chest entirely and the growl that produces is worth whatever she’s going to torture me with as payback. 

“Geez, Lexa, you’re so aggressive,” I tease and I run my hands up and down her sides, over her taut stomach and back to her sides again. She’s so soft and I can feel her whole body humming under my touch. It’s intoxicating. 

“I’ll show you aggressive, Clarke,” she purrs before leaning in and biting my ear. It catches me by surprise and I yelp like a puppy.

I feel quick breaths of air and a smile against my neck. She’s fucking laughing and I shake my head. “Shut up, Lexa,” I sigh before pinching her sides. 

“Or what? You gonna yip at me again?” she chuckles and she thinks she’s so funny. I go to pinch her again, but she grabs both my wrists, much like when we wrestled for the jelly beans, and puts them behind my back, holding them there with one hand. I fell for the same fucking move. 

“You’re the worst,” I breathe out before she starts nibbling on my neck. And it’s soft at first, just like our first kiss, but soon devolves into something animalistic and raw and she’s devouring me, biting and sucking, this time it’s no surprise to me. This time there’s no high pitched yelp, but low moans and ecstasy-laced encouragements. 

Her free hand starts in my hair, used to bring me closer to her as she has her way with my neck. I know I’m going to have bruises that I can’t hide tomorrow, but I honestly couldn’t care less. Then she uses it to rake down my sides and I feel my whole body quiver. And I feel it grip my left side as her mouth slides down my chest, her tongue skirting past my nipple. 

I knew she was going to torture me. 

I’m at her mercy, I know this and I feel it too. With my hands trapped the only way I can convince her to go where I want is to tell her and she’s not a very good listener. Her mouth goes everywhere else, my earlobe where she sucks just a little bit. To my neck where she runs her tongue over it just a little bit. To my mouth where she kisses me just a little bit. To my stomach where she bites me just a little bit. 

“Fucking hell, Lexa.” Is it possible to whisper and scream at the same time? If it is I just did it. “Suck on my nipple, for fuck’s sake!” 

Her reply is a soft giggle with a shake of her head and I hate that she’s so good at making me suffer. 

I’m second guessing my stance on that growl being worth this. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. 

She starts to loosen her grip on my hands, whether on purpose or because she’s losing focus, but I take advantage and slip an arm free. The first place it flies to is the back of her head to guide her to where I’ve been begging her to go. And she lets me get her close, but stops just before, placing teasing kisses all around it. I can feel her fucking smiling against me again.

“The. Worst,” I groan and she chuckles against me once more. 

“If you ask nicely, maybe I’ll consider it.” And the way she says it is so cocky. “Manners, Clarke.” 

I’m not going to beg for her to do it, I refuse. I do it for myself. Not with my mouth, but with my own hand. And if she thought of stopping me, she doesn’t follow through. She only watches as I touch myself, my own hands squeezing, my own fingers adding the right amount of pressure to a neglected nipple. Her eyes on my fingers spur me on. 

It’s strange that doing this, touching yourself in exactly this way when you’re alone feels like maybe it will help get you started. But when you have someone watching you, eyes burning into you as you do the exact same thing? It’s almost enough to finish you off. 

She licks her lips, still watching me intently, but I can tell that she desperately wants to participate. Especially when I feel her fingers digging into my thighs and she whispers expletives into the air. 

“I’m not going to beg you,” I tell her as I cup my breast, offering it up to her mouth. 

Even in the dark that my eyes have adjusted to I can see her struggle with herself. Like, she wants to take it, but she still wants me to use my pretty words to plead with her to do it. Her dilemma is a short one and I can’t help the way my head falls back when she finally surrounds it with the warmth of her lips. 

The flicking of her tongue does extraordinary things to me. With every movement my moans crescendo until she’s covering my mouth with her hand, a wordless way of telling me to shut the hell up. But she doesn’t stop what she’s doing which would be the best way to get me to quiet down, she just adds more things like sucking and light bites and holy shit the way it makes my center thrive. 

My left hand moves to the back of her head, tangling in her hair, holding her in place. My right clutching onto her side just below her breast. I’m starting to get desperate the more her mouth moves and the more desperate I become, the more insistent my hips rock. But I can’t get enough pressure where I want it the most and she’s either not tuning into my nonverbal cues or she’s purposefully ignoring them. Knowing her, it’s the latter. 

I toss my head back and to the side a little to move her hand from my mouth just enough for me to speak. “Lexa, I want to come,” I pant against her fingers. “Make me come.” 

Her eyes flash up to mine and I already know what she’s thinking. 

Fuck. 

She licks my nipple one more time before she withdraws. That fucking smirk she loves to sport in place. “Ask me nicely, Clarke,” she growls and I know I’m not going to get away with it this time. I don’t have the patience and I’m far past caring. 

“Please, Lexa,” I pull her in for a short kiss before begging against her lips. “Please.” 

“See?” Lexa nips at my bottom lip. “Manners aren’t so hard, Clarke,” she chuckles as I growl. 

She tugs at my pants and I immediately use my hands to help me balance while I lift my butt so that she can easily take them off. The cold granite against my bare ass shocks me for a moment and it’s a reminder that I’m butt naked in this woman’s kitchen. 

I don’t get to dwell on it for too long before I see her slowly drop to her knees, kissing every inch of me she can on her descent. And I have to say, I was not expecting her to do that here, but you will never fucking hear me complain about it. 

With her head between my thighs I scoot as close to the edge of the counter as I can, my legs over her shoulders and my heels in her back. It wouldn’t be Lexa, though, if she didn’t tease me before giving me what I want. I feel her breath on my inner thigh, first my right then my left, barely grazing me as she passes over my center. 

“Lexa,” I say, elongating the end of her name. “Don’t make me beg again.” I look down at her, that smirk reminding me about how much she’s enjoying torturing me. 

“Just one more time, Clarke,” she says as she pokes her tongue out, letting it skim across me. 

“You drive me crazy.” 

“That’s the point.” 

I drop my head back for a moment to compose myself before looking at her once more. “Please.”

She bites her bottom lip before asking, “Please, what?”

It’s torture, but it’s a delightful one. “Please fuck me, Lexa.”

Her mouth connects with me then, her tongue easily finding what it set out for. Her lips wrapping around with a bit of suction. 

I don’t know if it’s because of all the teasing or because I’ve been wanting to do this with her, but haven’t been able to until now or if it’s just because I’m doing it with her, but within seconds of her delicious expertise I feel my body shaking. My mind goes blank and waves of pleasure flow through me and out into her mouth. 

I cover my eyes with my left arm when my mind finally recovers, slightly embarrassed for coming so fast. I feel the need to start apologizing until she whispers, “You’re so fucking hot,” and I can feel her breath on me again. She looks up at me, “You’ve got to be quiet this time, though, Clarke.” 

The words, ‘this time’ immediately get me going and I feel her mouth on me again. The way her tongue moves, circles, it makes me dizzy and I hold onto the back of her head for support. I know I’m starting to moan, my cries ringing in my ears, but I can’t help myself. She feels so fucking good.

But then nothing.

“What the fuck, Lexa?” I groan. Why would she stop?

“Be quiet!” she scolds, but I can tell even though she means it, that she’s pretty damn proud of herself, too. 

I nod and try to be conscious about the noises that come out. 

She starts again and it’s like she never left. I’m just as close as I was and I can’t stop the first moan that escapes me, but I catch the next few by biting on my bottom lip. I’m nearing my climax, so quick, though not as quick as the last time. Some squeaks fly past my guard as I push her head further into me. Seconds later my head falls back and I bite my bottom lip so hard I think I might be bleeding. 

Her hand comes up, trying to cover my mouth, but only able to grasp at my chin as another orgasm thunders through me. My hands too busy bringing her closer to bother covering my own mouth. 

She stands up quickly, her body still between my legs. “You don’t fucking listen, Clarke,” she growls against my lips before kissing me passionately. Much like she did when she first entered the kitchen. I can taste myself in her mouth and the thought alone almost pushes me over the edge. 

“I’m sorry,” I mumble as I bury my face in her neck. I’m not actually sorry. And I don’t think she’s even that mad about it if the way she’s grasping onto my ass is any indication. She pulls and I hook my feet together allowing her to carry me off the counter. 

“Keep holding on to me,” she whispers as she turns around with me clinging to her. She starts to walk out of the kitchen, holding on to me tightly, her lips on mine while she traverses our way to the stairs. 

“What about our clothes?” I whisper against her.

“We’re not going to need them,” she says as she sucks my earlobe in between her teeth. She’s still lost in the haze of wanting release and I feel like I’m just a little more clear headed right now than she is. 

“Lexa,” I start as I attempt to unwrap my legs from around her. “We can’t leave them there. What if Anya is up before we are?” which, lets face it, is probably going to happen. I don’t intend on letting Lexa sleep for a while. 

It takes her a moment to really hear my words, but when she does she puts me down quickly. “Oh, shit! Right,” and rushes in her half dressed state to grab our scattered pieces of clothing. It’s funny that she can be so fucking hot one second then cute as hell another. 

She grabs my hand when she comes back with our small bundle of clothing and rushes me up the stairs. It’s a huge turn on to see how desperate she is to continue things. 

I let out a soft giggle when she throws me on her bed before closing the door behind her. I sit on the edge of the mattress, motioning with my pointer for her to come closer. When she’s within a reachable distance I tug on her pants to get her to stand in between my legs. She’s been wearing it for far too long. I kiss her stomach as I pull on her bottoms and they fall so easily to the floor. 

I’ve been obsessed with her scent since I met her if I’m being honest with myself. Since that moment that she invaded my personal space to steal my dinner roll. And every moment after that, when it was on her jacket, when she taught me some cool moves, any time she was near me, really.

All those times will never compare to the way she smells right now, in her heightened state of arousal that makes my mouth water. I want to tease her like she did to me, I want to torture her to get back at her. But much like the way we unwrap gifts, where she’s slow and meticulous, I’m quick and impulsive and that pushes me to just give in. 

I slide my hands behind her, gripping and pulling her as close to me as possible. Her skin feels so good against my lips as I trail kisses from her belly button to her soft curls. I feel a hand on my shoulder to keep her steady, another in my hair to encourage me further. 

Her essence envelopes every sense I have, but right now the sense that’s being stimulated the most is taste. She tastes like heaven and it scares me a little at how addicted I already am to it, to her. Every movement of my tongue, of my lips, adds more of her onto my taste buds and I never want to stop pleasing her. 

“I want you inside me, Clarke,” she whispers and I feel like I might short circuit from the heat that spreads through my whole body. 

I grab her right leg and place her foot on the bed so I can more easily reach her, my left hand gliding up her thigh. My mouth still on her, I slide a finger to accommodate her want for me. And when I feel her grip on my shoulder tightening, her legs trembling, and I hear her saying my name over and over, I know that I’m doing a good job. 

She may always be the one with the strength and she may always be able to overpower me, but when I fuck her like this, when I make her writhe the way she is right now, I’m the one in control. And I’m the strong one who keeps her from falling when she’s pushed over the precipice.

“Fuck,” she breathes out, both of us on our backs. The only sounds in the room our heavy breathing. 

#####

I blink my eyes open, forgetting for just a moment where I am and wondering if everything that happened with Lexa was just some amazing dream. But when I feel her bare back against my chest and I can smell her unique fragrance on her neck and I can run my fingers along her arms, I thank fuck that it wasn’t. 

I don’t know what time it is, but the sun still has not risen which is the only indicator of time in this bedroom. It sucks, though, because I want to see what a naked Lexa looks like in the brightness of the morning. 

I mean, seeing a naked Lexa in the early morning was hot, but being able to see every centimeter of her in the light is something I’m dying to see. I wonder most about her boobs and I feel like I should maybe chastise myself for that, for behaving like a teenager, but honestly I don’t care. I want to see her tits. 

I continue to run my left hand up her arm and to her shoulder where I place a gentle kiss. I hear Lexa’s breath change from one of sleep to shallow panting as I glide my fingers across her stomach, skirting just above her pubic mound.

_She’s awake._

I move closer to her, pushing my whole body into her as I lightly rake my fingers over her sides, over her ribs, just under her breasts. I hear her breath hitch and that’s all the permission I need to descend my touch. 

I breathe her in as I nibble her neck. She tastes good everywhere. I let myself lick and bite her there as my fingers stimulate and work her into a frenzy. I move to put my right arm under her neck, letting her rest her head on it so that I can touch her chest. I squeeze her breast and she moans out loud, her hips moving more and more against my hand. 

I glide my tongue up to her ear and nip at it. I know she’s getting close and I want to help her get there. “Come for me, Lex,” I breath into her ear. 

She lets out a whimper that makes my toes curl. Jesus, the things she can do to me with those little sounds of hers. I feel that now familiar tremble across her body and I bite down on her neck again to enhance her pleasure. She can’t stop the noises she makes and I think that I did what I set out to accomplish. 

“Ready to go again?” I ask as I feel her settling down.

“Jesus Christ, Clarke.” 

#####

“Wake up, sleepy.” 

Someone is running their fingertip along the bridge of my nose. If they’re trying to wake me up, as their words suggest, they’re going about it the completely wrong way. That finger feels nice and relaxing. I feel myself drifting back to sleep. 

“Clarke,” 

They’re poking me now. On my cheek, my forehead, my neck. My mind is starting to wake up with the rest of me now. I’d know that finger anywhere.

“Lexa, stop,” I mumble as I turn to face the other way. 

I hear her giggle and feel her tug on my side so I can’t turn around on her. “Nope, wake up.” 

It’s bright out and I remember what I wanted to do earlier. My eyes fly open and I turn quickly toward the person who’s been annoying me to wake up. Not really annoying, but forcing me awake. 

But when I see her she’s already out of bed and she had the audacity to get dressed. What the hell? “What the hell, Lexa?” The smile she has on her face falters for a second before I speak again. “Why the hell do you have clothes on?” I tug on the hand that she just used to try and turn me over with. “Take them off, get back in bed with me.” 

There’s a war going on, I can see it playing out all over her face, I wish she’d just give in to my side of the battle. She bites her lip as she looks at me, the color of her eyes darkening. I’m winning. Her gaze wanders and just like every other time my skin tingles wherever it lands and it’s when it lands on my bare chest that I remember that I don’t have any clothes on. 

“You’re killing me, Clarke,” she says as she tears her eyes away. “Jesus fuck, you’re even hotter now,” she puts her hands in front of my face like she’s trying to block me out of her line of sight.

“I am also very willing to show you like, all my body if you come under these covers.” I waggle my eyebrows at her. 

She giggles and closes her eyes, but turns to face me. “I will not let you tempt me,” her brows furrow. “Again, anyway.”

“I feel like you have that backwards,” I chuckle as I grab her hand and place it on my breast. The long suffering moan she utters makes me wonder why the hell she wants me to get out of bed in the first place. 

“I think I remember you being the one that couldn’t control herself,” she giggles as I toss a pillow at her. Even though she can’t see it, she was able to block it anyway. I think that that is so unfair. How am I supposed to sneak attack her?

“Come on, hot stuff, don’t make me beg,” but I pout anyway. Again, she can’t see me, but I’m hoping she can hear it in my voice. 

“Clarke, we gotta get you to the airport soon,” she says it softly and I detect a hint of sadness.

“But, my flight’s not until three.” I scrunch my eyebrows together. “What time is it?”

“It’s noon, but you’ve still gotta get ready, plus the ride to the airport, plus the holiday travel… I feel like, if anything, you’re already late.”

My heart feels heavy. I don’t want to go. Being with Lexa, and not just the hot stuff we did, it feels so good. I feel like I belong with her. And I know that that sounds crazy and super clingy, which is why I’ll never tell her, but I just want to spend all my time with her.

“Right…” I sigh as I lie on my back. 

I can sense the heaviness in the room. She feels the same way I do, I know it. It offers me very little comfort, but I guess it’s something. 

#####

It’s the last few moments that Lexa and I are going to be spending together before I’m on the plane going back home, but it’s hard to find anything to say to her right now when all I want to do is beg her to come with me. 

“Hey,” she says softly as she grabs my hand, giving it a quick kiss before resting it on her thigh. My heart melts at that because everything we did last night, including cuddling together after, all those things weren’t nearly as intimate as what she just did. 

It’s such a simple gesture, innocent too, but it means a lot more than it looks like. Whereas fucking is an expression mostly built on finding the other person attractive or fuckable, her placing my hand on her while she drives just shows that she likes feeling me. Having contact with me without it leading to anything. 

“Whatcha thinking about?”

So many things. Like how good she makes me feel or how attracted I am to her. How all I’m going to do is think about her, how I don’t want to leave because that means I’ll be leaving her. And how much I’m going to fucking miss her. “Nothing.” 

“Yeah,” she sighs and it’s like she knows what I’m actually thinking. Just like she has since we met. “Me too.”

It’s ridiculous. I’ve only known this girl for seven days. Not even seven full days, but she has a hold on me that I’ve never felt, that I never knew was possible. I’ve gone my whole life without knowing her and I was fine. But now, I feel like I can’t go another minute without her. And that is not normal, it can’t be. 

When I was with Finn, even at the beginning stages of the relationship, we didn’t see each other everyday and I was fine with that. He was fine with that, too. That was my normal, because that’s how it seemed to work with him and honestly, any of my relationships prior.

But the thought of getting on that plane and not seeing Lexa again makes my chest feel tight and I seriously consider grabbing the steering wheel to force her to turn around. I wonder if she would be mad?

I must have been in my head for longer than I thought because I can see the airport coming up on us rather quickly. I don’t know how I’m going to step out of this car without her. To my surprise, instead of heading to the Departures to drop me off, she heads to the short-term parking. I’ll get to spend a little more time with her, and that’s nice. 

“Wow, I must be special,” I smile.

She lifts her eyebrow in question and I can’t help but think about how hot she and that stupid eyebrow are. “Focus, Clarke. Pretty sure you were gonna say something snarky,” she says smiling back. 

I giggle, she knows me too well. “Well, now I don’t want to say anything,” I mumble. “You ruined it.” 

“Oh, god,” and even though she’s not looking at me, I know she’s rolling her eyes. “Just say it.”

I shrug. “I dunno, something something, spending money on me by paying for parking. Something, something, making me feel special.” 

“Wow!” she says as she finds a spot to pull into. “Great joke.” 

Shaking my head, I move to poke her in the forehead, but I miscalculate when she turns to fully look at me and I get her eye instead. 

“Shit!” she covers her eye and starts to rub the pain away. 

There was a time a bit ago, I think sometime during our thumb war, that she had looked at me a certain way and I wanted to poke her in the eye for being mean or something. If I had done it then I don’t know if I would have felt bad about it, but I really do now. 

“Shit,” I say, taking my seatbelt off so that I can move closer to her. “I’m sorry!” I touch her cheek, worry on my face. “Are you okay?” 

Lexa glares at me for a second with her good eye before she starts giggling. “What the hell, Clarke?” And if there was any animosity in what she was trying to say, it didn’t show at all in her voice. 

I push the hair out of her face as she drops her hand and starts winking repeatedly, trying to will away the pain. “I’m sorry,” I giggle softly and kiss her on her brow. “You okay, baby?” I kiss her on the side of her injured eye and then her cheek. “I’m sorry,” I repeat. 

Lexa smiles at me and my stomach is on a roller coaster again. I don’t know if that feeling is ever going to go away and I don’t ever want it to. “Did you just call me ‘baby’?”

“Hm?” I did, but I didn’t mean to. It slipped out. So, I’m going to go ahead and pretend that I didn’t. Or that I don’t hear her question. “C’mon, let’s go, I don’t want to miss my flight!” Except, yes I do. What I do want is to go back to her place and keep her locked away in her room with me for the rest of our lives, but I can’t.

“Clarke!” she giggles as she tries to grab my arm, but I’m able to get out the door before she can get a hold of me. There’s nowhere that I can really run off to, especially since my luggage is in her car and also I don’t want to be away from her, so this is quite the predicament.

She catches me quickly, it wasn’t even really a chase. I barely made it to the trunk of the car before she was on me, her arms wrapping around me from behind as I let out an embarrassingly high pitched squeal to the delight of a few passing strangers. 

She bites my shoulder and I let out another squeak that makes her chuckle in my ear. “You’re adorable,” She bites me once more, this time on my neck and the sensitivity of it reminds me of how she marked me last night. 

“You’re an animal,” I chuckle. “Now get my luggage.” 

She places a soft kiss on my ear before whispering, “Okay, _baby_ ,” and biting me. I try to pinch her sides as she opens the trunk while laughing at me. 

#####

After getting my seat for the plane changed and checking in and all that, we walk toward security. The closer we get, the more my control over my emotions starts to dwindle. And when we get to the line, I feel stuck. My heart has been feeling heavy since Lexa woke me up, now it’s an anchor dropping to my legs, unwilling me to move.

My flight will start boarding in fifteen minutes and I know it’s going to take me at least that to get through security, so I’ll be pushing it if I don’t start going now. But I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here, with her. I want to go back in time to when I first met her seven days ago just so I can spend a whole week with her all over again.

“Hey,” her soft voice pulls me out of my thoughts and it makes my heart clench in an almost painful way, the sole idea of not hearing her voice again making me want to cry. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes tightly for a few seconds, refusing to let any tears form. 

Warm fingers wrap around my wrist and she tugs me, taking me out of the line. I look at it, worried once again I will miss my flight if I don’t start moving along, but I can’t find it in me to care. Not when she pulls me into her personal space and I can smell her, the fragrance bringing back memories of the night we just shared.

“I wish I could stay,” I whisper and I swear I can feel my bottom lip quiver. I’m not looking at her, too embarrassed by how not in control of my emotions I am right now.

“Then stay,” she says, moving her hands to my hips and gripping tightly, like she’s willing me to not move. To not go. “Stay with me,” she whispers as she leans her forehead against mine.

I look at her then, searching her eyes for any sign of doubt, of a lie. But I can’t find anything, the same feeling I’ve had all morning ever-present. She also doesn’t want to part ways.

It brings me comfort, however small.

“I wish I could,” I say and I mean it. If I didn’t have school, an apartment, a life in Seattle I would ask her to drive me back to her house in a heartbeat. “But I can’t.” I know there’s no need to say it outloud, we both know this, her invitation to stay just wishful thinking.

“You can’t just come into my life like this and then leave.” She’s speaking so softly I can barely hear her over the sound of plane engines and busy travelers. “It’s not fair.” Her bottom lip protrudes and I can’t help but close the distance between us, bringing it between my lips and sucking on it as I kiss her, trying to commit everything about this moment to memory.

The little shaky breath that leaves her lips right before I capture them with my own. Her hands pulling me closer. Our bodies flushed together. Her tongue and mine meeting in a warm embrace. The moan deep in her throat when I play with the small hairs on the back of her neck.

I want to live in this moment forever.

But I know we can’t. So I pull away, very aware of the seconds ticking down. I really need to go. Taking a step back so that I don’t feel tempted to kiss her again, I take her hands in mine because I can’t stand to spend my last few minutes with her without at least touching her.

“Why don’t you come with me?” I ask in a desperate attempt to keep her in my life.

She laughs, bitterly almost. “I wish I could,” she says. She opens her mouth to speak, but then closes it. Squeezing her hand, I encourage her to speak. “I could, however…” hopeful eyes look into mine. “Maybe come visit you soon?”

The idea of seeing her again, of her coming to Seattle and spending time with me makes my heart beat with happiness for the first time since we walked into the airport. “Really?”

She ducks her head and it’s adorable. “If you’d like me to.”

“I would love you to,” I say, pulling her to me and wrapping my arms around her, melting into the embrace as soon as she has hers around me. Having to leave absolutely sucks and more than anything I wish I could stay, but the idea of seeing her again gives me enough hope that I feel like maybe I can breathe again.

She smiles. “Okay,” she says, nodding. “Okay. I will look at my calendar and figure out when I can make it. Do you have a preference?”

“Tomorrow!” I say and she laughs. “Or the next day. Or the week after. I don’t care, Lexa, just come see me as soon as possible.”

“I will,” she says and I know it’s a promise. She takes a deep breath, like she’s bracing herself for what she’s going to say next. “Now go. I don’t want you to, but.”

“I know,” I agree. I pull her in one last time, kissing her senseless, hoping the kiss will last until we see each other again. Based on the grin she gives me after we pull away, I’m pretty sure that’s all we’ll be thinking about.

Standing back in line, I try to soak up every second I have left with her until the path separates us. It’s moving faster than I wish, but I try to focus on the idea of seeing her again instead of the imminent goodbye, which reminds me–

“Oh!” I say suddenly, startling her a little. “Your phone.” She looks at me quizzically. “Gimme your phone,” I say, palm out, smiling when she obliges. After having her unlock it I open her contacts and add my phone number to it. Biting my bottom lip I choose the option to add a photo, grabbing her by the collar as I pull her so I can place my lips on her cheek, snapping a picture to go along with it.

“There,” I say, handing her phone back. “We’ll take better pictures when you come see me.”

She smiles, staring at the image before she looks back at me. “Sounds like a plan.”

The line has finally reached the point where it starts turning and we can no longer stand next to each other. She gives me a smile, which she somehow manages to make it look more bright than sad and I hold onto it, hoping it will carry me over.

“I’ll miss you,” I say, because I want her to know.

“Me too,” she replies, pressing her lips against mine one more time. “But don’t worry. I’ll see you in Seattle in no time.”

Her eyes follow me all the way until I have to walk past security. I miss her already, but I choose to focus on the thought of her visiting soon, already thinking about all the places we are going to go to and all the things we’re going to do.

My phone dings in my pocket as soon as I sit down to wait for my row to be called. My face breaks into a smile at the message.

_I hope you’re free on the 12th, I’ll be arriving at 2:30pm_

And no matter what, she can bet her ass I’ll be there to pick her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is always where I imagined this particular story ending. Because Clarke is no longer at his hometown and stuff. If you don't agree with me, feel free to yell at me in the comments and maybe I can write an epilogue of sorts. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you all for reading! And telling me what you liked and didn't like. It's been fun! And I hope entertaining for you :)


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